Every Single, Single Day.

My life is different. It is good.
It is good because of my girls. One is 14 months and an absolutely peach. I love her so much I really do cry some times. I know that I'm taking really good care of her, and I'm not worried about that.
The other girl will make her entrance sometime in the next month or so. I'm enjoying being pregnant right now, because it is the last time I'll be able to carry Allyn's child. Thank God I was already with child when he died. It would have been a lot harder for me, as I could see myself drinking too much in the immediate aftermath of Allyn's death.

Allyn left me with a gift. A great gift, and a great life. He left us with the ability to have an extended family that really does care. At least we are not alone. Never alone.

I even have my lovely little boy, my dog Toby who has been with me longer than I was married to Allyn. Such a good little boy.

My family is complete. We do not lack for missing Allyn.
We don't, but I do.
The girls are too little to understand what happened, or that there ever was a daddy at all.
Toby has always been a lady's dog and that was reinforced when Allyn gave him strict insctrucions to take care of mommy and the babies while he was gone.
They don't know the difference, but I do. My soul does. I seethe with anger some days. Somedays I understand the way that life fits together. Somedays things make sense. Somedays I hate everything and spread low grade hate across the world. It'll only get worse before it gets better.

I have the semblance of normalcy at this point.
When I have Miss Piper and it becomes obvious everywhere I go that I am a single mom of multiple children, I know that I'll face a different stigma. I don't want to throw Allyn's death around as a charm against ignorance, but I don't want to be looked down upon because of the stigma attached.

On the other hand, my soul is slowly healing. I can sometimes feel the tender buds of new growth. The only people I'm answerable to are my girls and my hairy little boy. So any problem that could come up wouldn't be outside the realm of what I can handle. I am strong. I am whole.

Some day I will feel happier. Depression isn't the word-though I'm being treated for that, of course. More along the lines that my baseline level of happiness has dropped and a new level has been established.
I want to cry because I need to .
I want to laugh with my girls
I want to grieve for Allyn
I want to grieve with my girls, though that can't happen. They don't understand.

I can only keep going as I'm going.
Every single, single day.

you are very very strong

I heard about your loss a while back. I have so many emotions I want to say, but I can't fit them into words. It may sound cheesy, but it's true. You are so strong! I admire you, even though I don't know you.

I'm sorry for your loss :-)

You have two wonderful gifts  

Some days I miss him so much.
His birthday is the 26 and our anniversary is the 30th, not to mention the holidays.......

I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

Quoting SawyerSmile:“ I heard about your loss a while back. I have so many emotions I want to say, but I can't fit them into ... [snip!] ... I can't fit them into words. It may sound cheesy, but it's true. You are so strong! I admire you, even though I don't know you.”

 

Stay strong mama! Your girls are lucky to have you!

oh mama  

I'm here if you ever need to talk  

and so is the MWEC thread   wez da bezt.

*Hugs* <~ whenever you need one  

You are an amazing woman.

Quoting SawyerSmile:“ I heard about your loss a while back. I have so many emotions I want to say, but I can't fit them into ... [snip!] ... I can't fit them into words. It may sound cheesy, but it's true. You are so strong! I admire you, even though I don't know you.”

        !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm crying, for you. I admire your strength and know if I was in the same situation I would not be able to deal, and have the same outlook on everything as you do.

Quoting WSW{MWEC}:“ I want to grieve with my girls, though that can't happen. They don't understand. ”

But one day, they will understand. & their newly realized Grief will take them to the edge of those pits you feel trying to swallow you whole. And you will be the one who can help them from feeling that pull strong enough that they too have trouble to keep from falling in.

Whether you realize that is their problem or not, it will be, maybe you'll be lucky & can they won't find their way there until they're adults, or will be there when still fairly young children, but probably you'll have difficulty differentiating it from "Normal" Teenage angst, & they'll tell you over & over again that's not what it is, no matter how often you ask if it is. But it will be. & the great Mommy that you are I believe that you can start laying down the path to guide them now, so that maybe just maybe, their grief will be surmountable.

I love you mama. We are all here for you, your extended family through the internet especially us MWEC ladies. Stay strong, and remember that its ok to grieve and to be angry. You have a good right to do so. Keep your chin up and I am here if you ever need to talk.