re: Non-Spanking Mamas / Gentle Discipline Support Thread

Hi! I'm a mama to a 3yr old little girl and an 8 month old little girl and I need some advice. I'm trying to change the way I discipline my 3yr old because I have been spanking her and I don't want to anymore but I really don't know what else to do; I've tried every other means under the sun & nothing works. Could someone please help me or give me some advice??

Quoting Jenn O:" I need to vent. And get support. I locked Claire in my room (where she's been sleeping) and she's upset ... [snip!] ... to add I did go in and apologize to her after I posted this. Still feel frustrated and lost. She went to sleep thank goodness."

i'm a single parent so i get the doing it alone thing. Kids act 'bad' when they feel bad. Whilst some behaviours are normal for a 2 yr old, your responses, the amount of activity and attention she is getting and your stress level will impact her the most and affect her behaviours and their frequency. Can you get out the house alot with them? Go to friends houses to take the heat out of being home alone with them?

For tidying up, it's a developmental stage to pull things out and put away again. I would not take any toys away in punishment. At night, once she's asleep, put away all the toys that she doesn't use very often. Pack them away for a little while. Only have out the toys that she loves or uses at least a couple of times a week. Put them in clear easy to use storage to keep them organized. I never made my son tidy, because he's his own person and it's not right to force people to do things, that teaches about parental control (negative) rather than tidying. For tidying i model it to him - i tidy up everyday. I'm gentle with my things and look after them. A couple of times a day when he appears to be finished with something then i get on the floor with him and ask if i can tidy it up. If he's done and it's ok, i tidy, and he copies/joins in. I never really have to verbally ask. As i'm doing it i used to remind him that we're tidying up his toys together 1) so they don't get lost and 2) so they don't get broken and end up in the trash.

There are some periods of disequilibrium where their development is progressing, but it takes a temporary regression whilst their brains are wiring and they're moving on. During these periods they can ask for more help then they previously needed, like with tidying up. It can be frustrating for us, but they genuinely do need the help, and the reassurance is equally important as they are suddenly hit with the realization of their new abilities and independence - whilst it's a positive thing it can unsettle them a little during sensitive periods.

Kids frequently push the parent who is still home with them, when the other parent has left. Sometimes they feel very insecure about the parent who's missing and so they 'test' the other parent so to speak, to make sure that no matter how "bad" they are that you still love them and will still be there for them unconditionally.

When i'm mad, i instantly try to recognize that if i yell or be punitive it will not actually change the behaviour long term, and it will harm our relationship and my future abililty to discipline. I try to remind myself that i'm only doing it to release my anger and it's bad for him, so i bite my tongue. I've had periods of intense stress (fleeing domestic violence, disabled mama and spirited kid = tricky combo lol) and totally not controlling myself and it tends to spiral out of control and we both feel and act terribly. When i'm in control of myself my son's behaviour reflects that. They are like little mirrors of our emotions and behaviour.

Quoting Nicole07040125:" Hi! I'm a mama to a 3yr old little girl and an 8 month old little girl and I need some advice. I'm trying ... [snip!] ... else to do; I've tried every other means under the sun & nothing works. Could someone please help me or give me some advice??"

I'd highly recommend the book Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn.
Not punishing is not just about changing your actions it's a change of mindset. Like examining what your goals are and what you mean by "works".

For me it's realizing that children are innately "good" and want to "behave".

I believe there is a need behind every behaviour, and due to inexperience and cognitive immaturity our kids are just trying to meet these needs in the best way that they can. They are just making mistakes and it's NOT personal. It's not being "bad" and doesn't need to be stopped -- it's a mistake and they need to be shown how to meet that need appropriately. Knowing that kids learn best through positive and supportive experiences is helpful to keep in mind.

It's knowing my job is to model the 'right' behaviours and that my place is not to control my preschooler, my goal is to support and guide him into being a happy independent adult. It's throwing the control and 'doing to' out of the window, and moving to 'working with'.

Aha parenting and the natural child project are good websites for free info. Googling "attached family members only" will bring up a great site with age-categorized behaviours and solutions. The Kohn book is my favourite though, it's insightful and very helpful in changing that punitive mindset to get your working with your kid instead of against. Playful Parenting by Cohen is another good practical book. There are others that are specifically helpful for if you've had a punitive upbringing (being spanked etc) yourself too.

Thank you mama a to z! I will look at those websites and will definitely work on changing my mindset. It may sound selfish or wrong but I never stopped to think that I was apart of the issue. I greatly appreciate the advice. Parenting would be so much easier if kids came with instructions lol

I think they sort of do, but our culture and society is so unchild friendly that we tend to stop trusting and listening to what are kids are really saying, and our own instincts are covered over with societies addiction to controlling kids. One of the best and hardest parts for me is blocking out pressure from others and focusing on us, redefining our own goals, rules and expectations i guess.

I do not believe in physical punishment nor do I feel a child should be yelled at. Speaking from experience I have to say that violent punishments are bad for a child's emotional and social development. When my 15 month old daughter does something wrong usually all I have to say is no no or eww nasty and she drops it and runs the other way. She does have her moments when she refuses to listen and at those times I remove her from the situation, usually I hold her in my lap and tell her that, that will hurt the baby. It's like she understands exactly what I am saying to her. I've been around plenty of children her age and the ones I have met do not listen so well. I think I got lucky.

I have shared my experience on improving my toddlers behaviour on my website www.keepingmytoddlerentertained.com Please read my about me page. Good Luck, I hope this helps

Hi ladies! I'm Carol and I have a 9 month old dd who is already getting into things she shouldn't, and knows the she shouldn't because she smirks at you while you tell her no. Right now I'm at a loss of what to do because she's learned how to remove the outlet covers. We had cheap ones at first but last night we purchased ones that are suppose to lock in the outlet so you'll need a coin to get it out. False advertisement, because the girl pulls them right out still. I tell her no no, she can get hurt, move her away and give her one of her toys to play with. She goes right back. Last night I spend over 30 mins just telling her no, and moving her. This morning when we came downstairs she went right back to it! I'm going to pull my hair out (which is actually another issue I have..the girl is mean lol she hits and pulls your hair and laughs). DH wants to spank and smack her hands and tells me I'm being to soft on her that I won't do it. Please help me! I don't really have time to read through 300+ pages to see if the answer was already suggested lol

This is great! I need to bookmark this page and read through everything when I get the time lol Thanks in advance to all you mommies out there

Does anybody know about the book "Love and Logic?" Why they say it's OK to spank in there is beyond me, and beyond logic.

I have a very nerve testing daughter ....she is 3 what 3 year old is not a ball of energy! My husband and I have been blessed with always resorting to alternatives. I got spanked as a child and I feel that it only taught me how to get angry and not how to deal with my emotions. I love this post! and I do not hit my little girl!

Someone recommended to me, and I have also tried it myself, that if you are feeling overwhelmed, instead of spanking a child, punish yourself and lock yourself in your room so you can force some distance between you, and allow the anger and frustration to subside.

i was smacked and belted all through my childhood...its 1 of the reasons my mother left my father..as she is a very soft person.i have my own child now and he is 1 year old...and i will never make him feel the way i did growing up....parents are meant to be like hero's in a way.they are meant to love and protect you,make you feel safe.and when your a child your learning what is right and what is wrong...but when you are made to feel afraid of your parents and to scared to explore then how are you meant to know what is right and wrong?..i can say when i was i child i was scared ask for anything (so i would just take)scared to tell the truth (so i would lie) hitting children makes them fear to be good..(sorry for the long post i just despise spanking and would like to say to the creator of this post ..thank you )

Thank you for having this thread. I grew up in a spanking family, but I do not believe in spanking. I believe that when a child is hit by an adult they can learn to be bullies because if I am hitting my child because they are smaller than me and not following MY rules then my child can hit someone smaller for not following THEIR rules. Maybe I am extreme, but that is what I believe. DD is only 10 months so we redirect and tell her no. As she gets older we will use time out for our form of discipline.

Stopping this abusive cycle is one the very best things you can do as a parent. Kudos to all of you who are parenting your children in a more conscious way!