re: Non-Spanking Mamas / Gentle Discipline Support Thread

Quoting Devil's Advocate:" Thank you, Mara. You are always so helpful. I found myself doing it when after the 1000000th time of me telling her to do something with no change and time-out wasn't working either."

i let myself repeat something three times, then i re-analyze my strategy, b/c those words aren't working.

generally, as soon as i apply my attention to the situation (rather than just saying, "do/don't do this, max") and figure out why he's at it and how to work WITH him on it, it works out splendidly.

it's only when i'm busy/rushed/irritated and don't want to focus properly on what's happening, that we end up on the track that ends up in my utter frustration -- to the degree that i did the auto-spank, and have since tried to make it a bit of a joke / threat. "max, i'm getting angry right now. don't make me feel like spanking you!"

or as nick does it... grabs him playfully and says, "you wanna be spanked?" and then max giggles and says, "no."

Quoting Mara:" i let myself repeat something three times, then i re-analyze my strategy, b/c those words aren't working. ... [snip!] ... you!" or as nick does it... grabs him playfully and says, "you wanna be spanked?" and then max giggles and says, "no." "

I caught myself today as I was just about to say
"Dawn, I'm gonna spank your butt"
and I took a break and felt better but I was so quick to jump to that. I'm so glad I got out of that feeling before I even said anything to her.

I need some serious encouragement. My daughter is almost three and has been HORRIBLE to people lately. I have recently lost my temper a few times. I don't hit her but have yelled at her... the most recent was that I cussed at her when she slammed my (expensive) phone onto the ground, immediately after I asked her not to and while I was reaching to take it away from her. So the screen shattered and I my immediate response was to send her to her room so that I wouldn't go crazy on her. My reaction was absolutely horrible and I just feel like an smurf for how I worded it (I yelled at her to go to her "smurfing" room.) This has happened once before where I've yelled and maybe threw a bad word in there. I generally apologize soon after because I feel bad about it.

Anyway, in this example she went to her room and I went in and apologized for cussing and yelling at her. I gave her a hug. Now what gets me is that she will not say sorry to anyone and it has been getting on my absolute last nerve. She will purposely hit, kick, bite, pinch and do things to hurt others and does not apologize and repeats the behaviors. Her father and I are consistent in apologies to her whenever we hurt her (accidentally step on her foot or if we lose our temper or something else where an apology is needed.)

I do not know what to do. I redirect and it's like she is too smart to realize that I'm trying to distract her. I put her in time out.. no difference. I've had it and am at the end of my rope with this behavior. I need ideas and I need them fast. She has taken to treating other children like smurf and I hate looking like a mom who just lets her child run out of control because I don't know how to get in the middle. I just don't know what to do. Do I need to hire a super nanny? Do I need drugs? What do I do.. Ugh HELP

I try to teach her about feelings, that it's wrong to hurt people but I'm obviously not doing it effectively. I don't want her to be someone who just walks all over everyone. I want to intervene and make her understand that it's not okay to hurt people and that when you do, you need to apologize.

Quoting ♥ darah ♥:" I need some serious encouragement. My daughter is almost three and has been HORRIBLE to people lately. ... [snip!] ... I want to intervene and make her understand that it's not okay to hurt people and that when you do, you need to apologize."

what i do with my 3 yr old is i make her sit, regardless of what she did wrong or where we are, I make her sit right where she is. That makes her mad, i tell her if she can sit quietly we can talk about the issue that made her have to sit. Usually she cries loudly, I just ignore her and play with our 1 1/2 yr old, but while she is screaming i remind her that the longer she cries and screams the longer she sits, and i explain that if she is quiet for 3 whole minutes with out a single peep from her then she can get up and we can talk. Finally she will stop, she will wait until i say come here, and we talk about what she did, if it is something really bad, she has to sit in her room with no tv and no toys, and if she screams for a half hour, i let her, and then when she stops screaming i start the 3 minute time out, I will be honest, it was hard at first, I just knew that I didn't want to hit her, because I have been a product of when hitting gets out of control. when her time out is over, we talk, it can be a 5 minute talk or 50 minute talk, we talk about what had caused her to have to sit. sometimes its pushing her baby sister down, or taking a toy, she understands it is wrong, and I make her kiss and hug and apologize to her sister (or whoever) and I have her tell them why she is sorry.... it took a while, but she got it, and now if she is caught I just snap my fingers and point down, she sits immediately, she may cry kick and scream "BUT WHY" and i just tell her over and over periodically once you quit screaming for 3 minutes we'll talk. And to be honest, her pediatrician is the one that told me to do that, I thought she was smurfing crazy- and i said to the pediatrician that she was smurfing crazy, because I was worried that Lilly (my 3 yr old) was bipolar (runs on my side and my fiance's side) i thought this is just what it was going to be like for the rest of my life only get worse the older she gets.... But now, she is very polite, please and thank you's im sorry's, may i do this or that or may i have this or that- even around strangers!!! you have to be consistent, though.... you break the consistency at all, you will have to start all over, so the hard part is sticking with it, try it for about a month, and see if it works Good luck sweetie!!! my 3 yr old broke so much stuff before this..... oh and get a baby monitor with a camera- wonderful investment- so if you do send her to her room, you can make sure she doesn't break a window (like lilly) or a door (like lilly!) because she isn't getting her way!! it cost like 100-150- but well worth the investment, and you can always use it later for something- we have one in our girls room and getting a second for the play room- my fiance is convinced we can use it as cheap security for the front and back doors when we are home (if you ask him about when we aren't home all he says is "idk", lol, but he won't spring for security, lol) You can always PM me if you want, i can always talk you thru the hard times, i would call one of the nurses constantly at my peds office, lol.....

Quoting ♥ darah ♥:" I need some serious encouragement. My daughter is almost three and has been HORRIBLE to people lately. ... [snip!] ... I want to intervene and make her understand that it's not okay to hurt people and that when you do, you need to apologize."

My daughter went through a really 'mean' phase with other children. Like...pushing them down the stairs at the playground mean. Funny in hindsight, not at all then.

I seriously followed her, like 6 inches behind her, everywhere there were other kids. If she went to hit/push/whatever, I took both of her hands in mine and told her we don't hit, we should PLAY with other children.

I think to an extent, children do this because they don't understand HOW to play with other kids. They know they want to interact, but they are just clueless as to how.

If she says something mean to other kids, I tell her a nice alternative to try instead. (Don't say 'get away from me!' say 'I'd like to play alone.' Don't say 'Give me that!' say 'Can I have a turn' or 'Can I play with you?' etc.).

Anyway, I think she either learned, or more likely, got sick of me trailing her, and is now much better. I can actually sit on the BENCH at smaller play areas and pay attention to my son and just pay attention to the door and make sure she's not making a break for it.

As far as impulsively breaking/throwing/doing things SIMPLY because I asked her not to, I'm clueless. Lemme know if you ever figure it out, lol.

I'd love some book suggestions on building my own patience.

Or even basic tips.

I feel like if I had more patience, our home would be so much happier. Maybe my daughter would feel better about me and be more patient in return. I don't know. I feel like I'm out of sync with my toddler lately and she's acting up.

Hi, I'm Kate and I have a 14 month old. I decided long before she was born that I would never hit my children. My dad was the same way with us, although I recall many times he would line us up and threaten to smack our butts with a belt. He would never let a punishment go unexplained and without an apology & I've always respected him for that.
But I have problems with my own daughter. We have a pet rat & pet tree frogs. She always takes my hand and has me get them out for her. As soon as she wakes up she wants to see "Mr. Loafy" (our rat) but she squeezes all of the small animals and throws them. I have smacked her hand to get her to stop squeezing the life out of them. I dont know how else to stop it, she loves Mr. Loafy so much & I know she doesn't think she's hurting him. She'll pet him nicely when I ask her to but once she picks him or one of the froggies up, they're done for.  
Also, she's starting to get better with it now, but she bites people. Mostly other toddlers, like her cousins. When they have something she wants or they start being mean to her she just bites them, nothing else. She's latched on to some people so hard that I couldn't pull her off or stop her. The only thing I could think of out of sheer fear for the other child is to smack her butt.
What else is there to do in those situations?

I try to not let her play with him anymore but she throws a tantrum and if I ignore it or tell her "We can't play with Mr. Loafy right now because he's sleeping / eating." She'll try to climb up the dresser and get him herself. I'm starting to feel like the only way to eliminate the problem is to eliminate Mr. Loafy. We already let the tree frogs go. (But we caught them in our swimming pool & only had them in the house for a couple nights.) She remembers where we let them go though and takes me there sometimes when we go outside.

I haven't posted in here in awhile, but I think it's time. I have a couple things to say. First off, it REALLY bugs me when pro-spanking people think that if you're not spanking your kid, you're not disciplining them. When I read an article about the cons of spanking, almost all the comments I see are about "sure, don't spank your kid and just let them run all over you and be THAT child in the restaurant that's screaming and out of control." When really, you can have a child that's MUCH better behaved than one that is constantly threatened with a smack on the butt (or whatever).

The other thing I wanted to say, is hard for me to write because it's very hypocritical and I feel bad about that. I'm a non-spanking advocate, yet in my heart, it's hard for me to say / believe that spanking is really "wrong". I was spanked growing up and I've always been a "good" kid, well behaved, well-mannered, etc. and in some part of my brain, it tells me that it's because I was spanked / disciplined / whatever, when in reality, it's probably just my personality type.

With that said, my DH is very pro-spanking and I am constantly getting on his case about NOT spanking and how inappropriate and ineffective it is. He will spank or threaten to spank for the STUPIDEST things .. like when our son (28m) comes into the room and asks to sit on his lap or play with him, but he doesn't want to be bothered.

Not that there is every a "good" reason to spank, but generally, I think of things like "don't touch the hot stove. don't hit your brother" ... you know "bigger" things to try and "protect" the kid. Not just threatening them because you want to sit on your computer by yourself.

but anyway .. getting to my point .. I've been spanking my son the past couple of days.   and I know it's because I can't get MY head on straight (not enough patience, etc) and not because of something that HE is doing "wrong". I mean, sure, in the moment, there is a "reason" for the spanking (not listening to me, etc). It's not like I just randomly hit him. BUT if I would just step back and talk to him calmly and deal with it differently, then I know there's no reason to spank him.

He's a "good" kid, really well behaved IMO, especially for a 2-yr old. And spanking him doesn't even "work". He laughs at me! really! If he is threatened with a spank, he'll turn around and offer me his butt with a smile on his face and laugh and pretend to spank himself. Maybe I'm not hitting him hard, but that's a good thing too, I suppose.

Anyway, I just wanted to get that off my chest. I know I need some accountability and I need to practice what I preach. I tell DH that he shouldn't spank Finn because it will just teach him that if someone (like his little brother who is 2m old now) is doing something he doesn't like, he can hit him. I also don't want to change the sweet little boy that I have. I don't want to create a "terrible twos" monster that doesn't listen and doesn't help. I don't want to "ruin" him just because I can't pull my act together.

So for those of you who have "fallen off the wagon" so to speak, just know that you aren't alone out there. Old habits / way of thinking ARE hard to break, especially when we are sleep deprived and short of patience and often having to deal with things alone because our partner is not around or chooses to not participate. But don't give up. We are all a work in progress and it's wonderful that children are so adaptable and resilient.

<blockquote><b>Quoting dream:</b>" but anyway .. getting to my point .. I've been spanking my son the past couple of days.   and I ... [snip!] ... participate. But don't give up. We are all a work in progress and it's wonderful that children are so adaptable and resilient."</blockquote>




Can you turn it into a game? I know if Sof's really stressing me out, e.g constantly opening the fridge door, I find it so hard not to yell/talk really sternly and I feel HORRIBLE, sometimes she looks at me like 'I'm sorry, you're scaring me' and sometimes she's more like 'Want a piece of me?' haha. If Finn can find humour in it maybe you can too.. I know in Playful parenting he doesnt punish at all, but turns the misbehaviour into a game. I recommended that book very highly, I have it on my kindle and it's so so good.

Quoting Sofia's Mummy♥:" <blockquote><b>Quoting dream:</b>" but anyway .. getting to my point .. I've been spanking ... [snip!] ... all, but turns the misbehaviour into a game. I recommended that book very highly, I have it on my kindle and it's so so good."

Can you get a fridge lock? A. rips it off in a few days, but they are a nice thought.

That is something that bothers me SO much, is A. in the fridge nonstop. It wouldn't bother me so much if she was like "I'm hungry, I'll grab this and eat it." but she just likes to go in. I ask her to stop and she says she's hungry, so I get her the snack that she chooses, DOESN'T EAT IT, and is back in in five minutes telling me she's hungry. Tough. Eat your snack you chose and stay out of the fridge!

End vent, sorry, lol.

Quoting Miss-Maia's Mommy:" Hi, I'm Kate and I have a 14 month old. I decided long before she was born that I would never hit my ... [snip!] ... I could think of out of sheer fear for the other child is to smack her butt. What else is there to do in those situations? "

I'd stop letting her play with the pets and just deal with her tantrums about it honestly. Just sit there and listen to her cry and say you know she's sad and you know she misses them, but she just can't play with them anymore.

I don't think yelling is awesome, but if she stops biting when you startle her with a smack on the butt, would she stop biting if you startled her by yelling something? (something quick, like her name?). My daughter has honestly never bit so I don't know what I'd do.

I'm Leah, non hitting mama here!