I dont want to live.....

I cant stop crying today...

So much is going on... I wish I had someone I can talk to but I feel so alone...

My mother doesnt understand... she even used to blame me for his death ..that I "failed to protect him" in her words.....

My best friend only says its going to be okay.. but how does she know?...

My job keep preasuring for me to come back or they are going to hire someone else and when i do deside to come back they will not have an opening...

SIDS organizations stopped contacting me... family and friends stopped coming over.... the world is just moving on... and I feel like I am still stuck behind.. and i just dont want to go on.. I just cant.. I just cant.. I just want to talk to somebody but there is no body to turn to...

Even my son's father doesnt understand.. he keep yelling at me for not doing the dishes or constantly being on the computer talking about my son instead of "cleaning"...but its the only thing that helps.. and he doesnt understand....

A letter came to the house asking me if I want to attend a support group on Decmeber 10th.... and I was exsited about it.. I'll get to meet other mommies from my area... maybe even those who have children after the loss and I think it will be good for me.. plus I LOVE talking about my angel.. I love him so much... and when I told him that I want to go (its like 50 mins away from us) he started yelling at me how I need to go back to work and not worrry about "some stupid support group" yupp.... and when i called him insensitive he said that i was insensitive for not wanting to go back to work and help him and not be on the computer or a stupid support group all day long.... he says "when you are your friends (my best friend she really the only person i see) you are happy.. if you were really depressed you wouldnt be happy" like wtf?!? and wen i threw it vbak at him abouit laughing at work and shit he said that h goes to work and i dont.. so i guess that means that he is intitled to be dpressed and i am not?!?! oh yea and not to mention how he snapped and said "your stupif effing support groups is not going to change anything.. just go back to work and thats it"...

The one person I thought I'd be able to turn to ... the one who supposted to be there for me and understand....... we were supposted to be trying again.. but how can i with him being so fucken evil!?!

I just dont want to live anymore.... I even thought about what would be the fastest or best way to die.... i dont think I have enough balls for that tho.....

Thank you for letting me share....i just dont know where else to go with it.....

I'm so so sorry, mommy.

I won't say I understand, or know how you feel because I don't have a clue. But if you need a friend or someone to talk to or even if you just want to talk about your angel to someone, you can message me. I dont know what else to say.  

i'm so incredibly sorry for what you're going through. i'd totally go to that support group. who cares if SO doesnt like it? you need to grieve honey. killing yourself is not the answer. (coming from somebody that knows 2 who committed suicide)

if you need a shoulder, PM me ok?

Quoting R.I.P My Son 08.21.09-10.:“ I cant stop crying today... So much is going on... I wish I had someone I can talk to but I feel so ... [snip!] ... think I have enough balls for that tho..... Thank you for letting me share....i just dont know where else to go with it.....”

1- you need to see someone, you need a councelorto talk to, and if youre up for it, some meds

2- hes not being evil- men process grief differently. he is grieving in his own way, which for lots of men, is to try to get back to "normal" so it doesnt hurt so much. its probably hurting him that youre not supporting him, and its hurting you that hes not supporting you- youre not realizing (both of you) that youre BOTH grieving.
3- go to the support group, no matter what he says!! it will be good for you.

He's probably having a hard time dealing with it as well...but not showing it in the same way you are. That's what I get from him saying that your support groups won't change anything...he still can't accept what happened. At this point however I would probably be looking for a job or working as well....to continue to get my life back to normal instead of letting myself sit around and be depressed.

Quoting Kirstin0526:“ He's probably having a hard time dealing with it as well...but not showing it in the same way you are. ... [snip!] ... a job or working as well....to continue to get my life back to normal instead of letting myself sit around and be depressed.”

welll then go lok for a fucken job then.. thank s for the extra support on that like i already dont have enough preasure on that

It's ok mama. This is going to take you some time and that's ok. To hell with the rest of them, you are grieving in your own way. The same for him. It may be his way to deal with the loss but that still gives him no right. I think you need to go to a support group, talk about things and hear other's who are there in that same boat or who have been and gotten past it. Your little angel will never be forgotten, especially not by you, but in time things will get easier and life will move on. You were his only mom so you only know the pain of losing him. Everyone else may not understand. I really think you need to go seek others who do and will understand...it's what YOU need to get on with things. You'll be ok hun, this is something I could never imagine dealing with but stay strong and you'll be fine. If you need anyone to talk to, PM me and I will do my best to help. I'm sorry for your loss. May that sweet baby rest in peace!

Quoting R.I.P My Son 08.21.09-10.:“ welll then go lok for a fucken job then.. thank s for the extra support on that like i already dont have enough preasure on that”

I don't think you should go back to work until YOU feel ready. Fuck what everyone else thinks, only you know whats best for you. I think the support group would be great for you.

Quoting R.I.P My Son 08.21.09-10.:“ welll then go lok for a fucken job then.. thank s for the extra support on that like i already dont have enough preasure on that”

shes not trying to attack you, i promise- and lots of us (most of us) dont know what youre going through. the point is that if youre feeling this way, SOMETHING needs to change so you can feel better; and in a weird way, if you can try to put your hubs first and support him, he will be able to support you better. its a weird thing, but its usually true. then you guys can suffer, and heal, and move on, TOGETHER, instead of getting stuck in it like you are right now.....

Oh my gosh if i could hug you thru the computer i would..
First off, I am so so so sorry for your loss. My nephew died when he was 2 months old. The docs said it was from SIDS.
Second. Go to the support group. It will do you good.
Third. I think maybe your husband is acting like a complete asshole because its how he deals with loss, but that doesn't mean its okay for him to make you feel so bad. Have you thought about counsoling (sp. Im a terrible speller)
As for going back to work, its kinda heartless for them to be constantly telling you you need to come back or they'll replace you. I mean I understand they have a business to run and all but still.
I can't say i know how you feel, because i don't.. but ending your life isn't going to make things better.. I wish you the best and i really hope you decide to go to that support group regaurdless of what anyone says.

I'm so sorry for you loss. I think it would be a great idea for you to go to the support group. It will help you out a lot to be able to talk about your loss and be with other people who have been through what you continue to go through, especially if you can see how they learned to move on. Don't give up on your dreams.

Quoting R.I.P My Son 08.21.09-10.:“ welll then go lok for a fucken job then.. thank s for the extra support on that like i already dont have enough preasure on that”

1. I wasn't attacking you.
2. seek professional counseling, you obviously can't deal with this on your own and your SO is being no help. I'd suggest a licensed psychologist not a therapist in case meds are needed.

The only reason I said go back to work is because if I were in that situation, getting my life back on track and back to some sort of normality would help me cope. If I had to sit in the house all day with the baby stuff after losing him, then I'd be even more depressed to.

Quoting R.I.P My Son 08.21.09-10.:“ I cant stop crying today... So much is going on... I wish I had someone I can talk to but I feel so ... [snip!] ... think I have enough balls for that tho..... Thank you for letting me share....i just dont know where else to go with it.....”

I think you need to go to that support group. And honestly if your boyfriend/husband doesn't support you then I think you should go anyways. He needs to start understanding that you went through a hurrindous experience and you NEED support! Also your mom needs to get a clue and not critisize you for not "protecting" your son as she said, because this can happen to the best of moms and I can tell you were a great mom.

Quoting Addisons Momma!:“ shes not trying to attack you, i promise- and lots of us (most of us) dont know what youre going through. ... [snip!] ... true. then you guys can suffer, and heal, and move on, TOGETHER, instead of getting stuck in it like you are right now.....”

i unserstand that.. but im jusrt saying i get enough preasure about work that i HATE..... just dont need someone who doesnt even know whats its liek to be telling me that she would of went back to work.. like ok.. good for you.. did i not just say that i am not ready?!? ...but i undsertand what you are saying and i am going to try to start work on tuesday.....see what happens....  ......i waitress part time because i am still in school and people complain over the dumbest shit.... and i know they probably dont know that it could be that much worse.. but thatr shit is soooo  ...not to mention those who will constantly ask what hapened whether i want or dont want to talk about it aat the time... and those who dont kno what happened will ask hows is the baby..... its alot to take on....

plus if the baby was here we agreeed i was going to be a full time mommy and stay home with the baby until he is at least 9 months.. so now he is gone all of a sudden he wants me to go back to work and help him.. lik what if the baby was here then what? its alot....i just wish i stilll had my son.. 

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