Out in the World Today

I finally decided that I need to shop for things for Piper. I've put it off and put it off, making all kinds of excuses. With Rachel I had everything I needed and a bag packed for the hospital months earlier. But this time it hurts. Allyn and I enjoyed getting baby stuff together so much that I figured it might be a tough thing for me to do without him. Turns out I was right.

I bought a double stroller and a breast pump without incident, and it didn't hit me until I was trying to manuver this huge box into the trunk of my car while carrying a watermelon under my shirt and keeping Rachel calm. It is just a normal part of my life now, doing things I'd usually ask Allyn to help with. It bothered me, thinking that I had signed up as half of a parenting team, not as a single parent. My single parent days were supposed to have an expiration date; twelve months. Fifteen at the most. Not forever.

I had promised Rachel lunch, so we went to a restraunt. On the way I couldn't get the memory of our last day together out of my head. We were both cross because the moving company had screwed us over so badly, and neither of us wanted the other to go. Allyn asked me to go to the airport to pick up Marlene and return for just one more night. I told him no because we couldn't afford a hotel and had nowhere to leave Toby anyway. It was always my responsibility to reign in Allyn's compulsive spending.
If I had only known.

As we sat at the restraunt and Rachel animatedly gobbled her lunch, I remembered how Allyn and I would forget to eat our own food watching her eat hers. We were so proud about how adaptable she was and how she enjoyed foods that we would have never suspected: tilapia, beans, guacamole, pho...
I ate about half my own food and sat trying not to throw up the rest of the time. I haven't thrown up since August, and there was no way for me to quickly get Rachel out of the highchair and into the bathroom if it became inevitable. I just sat and prayed that I wouldn't vomit all over a table in the middle of lunch rush. Rachel laughed and stuffed food into her mouth, listening to the echo off of the high ceiling.

We went into the mall and walked through Macy's on our way to the main thoroughfare. In the middle of the asile was a lady from the perfume department trying desperately to make a cologne sale. I shook my head at her as we approached, and even turned away as we got closer so she wouldn't say anything. Didn't work.

"Aw, come on! For the special man in your life!"
So I responded to her the way I usually do when people don't listen when I give them an easy out. I stopped, looked at her square in the face and said in a monotone voice:
"My husband died. Thanks for reminding me."
Then I walk away, without looking back for a response.
What else was I supposed to do? I made it as easy as possible for her to leave me alone.

We didn't buy anything in the mall because I was so upset at the perfume lady. I cried all the way home. Rachel slept.

I don't want to be one of those people that starts all thier sentances with 'my therapist says' but my therapist says that things are unlikely to get better any time soon, and I should dig in for the long haul. Here's why:

Nov 7: anniversary of my miscarriage
Thanksgiving
Nov 15: Allyn's memorial at the stadium
Nov 26: Allyn's birthday
Nov 30: our anniversary
Piper's birth.
Christmas
New Years'
My own birthday Feb 4th.
Sleep deprivation.

I hate everything.

We aren't going to put a tree up this year because I don't want to look at it and I don't want to take it down. Depending on how I feel I may ignore some holidays all together. Not that Rachel will miss them. I'll send her with family if it gets that bad for me. I don't want to set myself up for failure.

Did I mention I hate everything?


ETA: How the hell is my daughter so oblivious to me being so upset? I thought kids were intuitive.

I feel like picking up the phone to call you just to let you talk to someone. I am so sorry for your loss and though it will be tough, please know that there are people out here praying for you. I know you have never met me, probably won't ever meet me, and probaby don't care...but if you EVER need someone to talk to, I am here. Good luck and God Bless.
God breaks us so he can remake us.

Are you seeing someone for this hun?  

I'm really sorry for your loss. I don't know your story or what happened but I hope everything gets better.

I do think that you need to see a pshcologist so you can get through this and move on with your life. It isn't fair to your kids and it's not healthy for you to just stop life altogether

I am so sorry mama! No words that I can say can make you feel better, but I'm sure that you are a strong woman and you can make it through this! I will keep you and your little ones in my thoughts and prayers.....Again I'm so sorry!

Quoting Brycen&Livi ♥:“ Are you seeing someone for this hun?  ”

Yeah, weekly. And I'm on zoloft. A LOT of zoloft.

I hate those perfume ladies. Stupid bitches.

Keep on going through the motions, hopefully some day things will get a little better.. then a little better than that... and so on.

My husband's deploying in 2 months and all I can think about is you and Allyn.

Quoting shes*almost*one!:“ I hate those perfume ladies. Stupid bitches. Keep on going through the motions, hopefully some day ... [snip!] ... then a little better than that... and so on. My husband's deploying in 2 months and all I can think about is you and Allyn.”

Please remember that the odds of people getting killed over there is minute. Mine is a unique case. Medical malpractice. Unlikely to have similar circumstances. We don't lose that many anymore.

Quoting stephaniewalters:“ Please remember that the odds of people getting killed over there is minute. Mine is a unique case. Medical malpractice. Unlikely to have similar circumstances. We don't lose that many anymore.”

no no, i understand. i just mean the option to spend another night together or something like that. it just makes you realize that every minute is precious. where are you guys living now?

Quoting shes*almost*one!:“ no no, i understand. i just mean the option to spend another night together or something like that. it just makes you realize that every minute is precious. where are you guys living now?”

Ohio. I left Allyn in GA to deploy when he checked into the barracks and out of housing. Rachel and I went to Ohio to be near his family for the duration of the deployment.

Quoting stephaniewalters:“ Ohio. I left Allyn in GA to deploy when he checked into the barracks and out of housing. Rachel and I went to Ohio to be near his family for the duration of the deployment.”

Are you guys planning on staying there? Thats one of the few states Ive never been too, haha, do you like it? His family must be pretty awesome if you went to stay with them. Hey by the way, this is pretty sad, but i was think about you when i was watching Bones the other day... OMG.. David Boreanez.

Quoting shes*almost*one!:“ Are you guys planning on staying there? Thats one of the few states Ive never been too, haha, do you ... [snip!] ... Hey by the way, this is pretty sad, but i was think about you when i was watching Bones the other day... OMG.. David Boreanez.”

I never intended to make this my home. A year is a long time to be alone, and we decided to be near family instead of having no help with two babies. I'm lost now. I haven't decided what state to stay in yet. I liked Maryland, and I grew up in CA. If it gets so intrusive here (I'm kinda a minor celebrity in a bad way. No one wants to be known as a war widow) I'll up and leave. I've got a year lease though. My girls deserve a home, but it is the first time in a long time I've had an oppertunity to actually chooses where to live. I'm torn about living near a base. We still qualifiy for a bunch of services. I feel paralyzed to make this decision, so I'm putting it off for now,

Quoting stephaniewalters:“ I never intended to make this my home. A year is a long time to be alone, and we decided to be near ... [snip!] ... near a base. We still qualifiy for a bunch of services. I feel paralyzed to make this decision, so I'm putting it off for now,”

come to boston. ive traveled all around the world and have yet to find a better city. what do you do for work?

Quoting shes*almost*one!:“ come to boston. ive traveled all around the world and have yet to find a better city. what do you do for work?”

Work? What's that? I haven't worked since I got out. Nursing student with an EMS background, civilian and military. Staying home with babies until I decide to go back.

Quoting stephaniewalters:“ Work? What's that? I haven't worked since I got out. Nursing student with an EMS background, civilian and military. Staying home with babies until I decide to go back.”

yeah that works for me. i was a flight attendant, i'm slowing giving that up, and passing up on trips until they realize i quit.