Crying Inside

Today marks 3 months since I let go of my precious little spirit and today I would of been in my third tri on my way to the finish line. I watch each day as my family members who were due with me and my friends who were due with me grow more and more each day. Even though I'm so happy for them all and wishing nothing bad upon any of them, it's like a whip lash every now and then at my heart. i stay strong for the most part, but the beginning of the month is always the hardest for me, especially if I have added stress. I have to say this isn't just about my lost angel, but also my cousin who's in ICU with a breathing tube heavily sedated and his dyalisis isn't working anymore for him. He's a young man in an old mans body that's failing...with no kidneys and a bad heart....and the worst part is I will never get to say goodbye to him...i get to hear about him suffering an fighting for his life...and it hurts so much to know I'm not there to give him my love...he's only in his 30's and has a loving wife and kids..and I try to understand why..why does this have to happen to him over and over...why must he keep suffering...he's fought so hard to live...i even got married on his birthday to honor him and give him something that would make him smile and happy everyday....he was one of the few in my family that accepted me for me and not what they wanted me to be. then my grandma who is more like a dad to me is losing her memory to the point of not even knowing who you are anymore and it's getting so bad that she over dosed on medicine...and at this rate if I get to see her again sometime in the future she will either not know who I am or be gone...I'm here on my own watching my family grow and yet also fade away...my dh has only been distant and treats our daughter and I like we aren;t the best thing in his life....I have to beg and plead to get him to spend time with us...and and...he can be fine one momment and loving and start realizing how he's been acting like a spoiled 16 year old lazy teenager who doesn;t appreciate the little things he has and then the next day all of that will be gone. he even changes his mind off and on with TTC and it jerks my heart out of my chest...I'm to so hurt and crying inside...and I feel like I'm breaking....I need him to hold me and tell me things are gonna be ok...why do I always have to be the strong one and keep things going...i love my daughter so much, she's my world along with my furbabies as is my dh if he would only stop pushing me away....Sorry for the long vent ladies I just needed to get it all out...

Oh Uni, I am so sorry you are so stressed and have everything going on. I will say a prayer and keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I hope your cousin and your grandma both do better soon. you know if there is anything that I could do for you I would do it. Keep being strong!

I love you Uni. I wish I could fly over there and be with you and give you a big hug and tell you something that would make it all better. But until I can do that, I will pray for you and keep you in my thoughts and I hope that somewhere at sometime, you get a break in life and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

You are a wonderful, strong woman, but that doesn't mean that you have to be strong all the time. It's ok to be weak. It's ok to be upset. It's ok to be at the end of your rope. Sometimes in life, that's what happens.

I hope in some small way I, and your other BG ladies, can offer you some support and a shoulder to lean on or cry on. Write to me anytime. You can call me too, but I think that would cost you an arm and a leg.

big hugs mama. hang in there. It WILL get better.

Thanks ladies for all your kindness and love it means a lot to me. I'm doing a little better today it was just all too much all at once. My mom sent me this avi to try and cheer me up and man alive is he yummy. I know things will get better with time and I just really hope I get my bfp soon. I really don't wanna have my heart put in the grinder again. I'm taking it one step at a time and one day at a time. I hold onto the things I love and make me happy and shift the bad into good or at least try my best. Thanks again for all your kindness

Love Uni(f)