What happened to me??

I didn't know where to post this, but here it goes.

I use to love being awakened by my LO in the middle of the night, any time fo rthat matter, I was there, happy, feeding, changing her, just staring at her. I never minded if she would cry, just because, I loved nursing her. We were bonding. I cleaned everything without complaints. It didn't even bother me that I was home alone with the kids 90% of the time. I didn't care that I never have "free or "me" time. I'm a mom after all.
Lately though, I'm tired, emotional, I scream and yell and get frustrated. She cries and I just get so frustrated with myself that I cry. I'm not hungry or too hungry, I eat then throw it up because my stomach hurts so bad. She dosen't sleep well because she's teething and when she's finally asleep it's time for me to get up and get the oldest ready and off to school. I can't even run to the store for a quick thing because it turns into a big hour long getting ready thing. I would rather stay home.I haven't gotten a haircut since she was born, I don't do my hair anymore, I don't care, no one sees me. I even started sneeking cigs, one this day another another. I don't want to start againg but it seems that it's the only time I feel less stressed when I do.
I've been getting such badmigraines that it just adds fuel to my fire of frustration. I don't want to get sick again. I seriously don't know what's wrong with me.
I use to be such a happy, anything can be thrown at me and I'd be ok kind of mom and now, not so much.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs and give up.
 

Quoting Monkey and Squirt's Mommy:“ I didn't know where to post this, but here it goes. I use to love being awakened by my LO in the middle ... [snip!] ... can be thrown at me and I'd be ok kind of mom and now, not so much. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and give up.  ”

Maybe you are depressed 

I feel the same way   I sadly started smoking again as well and im so dissapointed with myself  

Quoting Monkey and Squirt's Mommy:“ I didn't know where to post this, but here it goes. I use to love being awakened by my LO in the middle ... [snip!] ... can be thrown at me and I'd be ok kind of mom and now, not so much. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and give up.  ”

you need to go talk to someone.... theres so much going on with you right now, with you SO, the girls, etc, that it really sounds liek youre depressed.... even if you dont want medication, you need someone you can go talk to, out of the house.

Quoting Addisons Momma!:“ you need to go talk to someone.... theres so much going on with you right now, with you SO, the girls, ... [snip!] ... really sounds liek youre depressed.... even if you dont want medication, you need someone you can go talk to, out of the house.”

I'm having a avery hard time swallowing this pill. I thought I was over my depression. Every day it seems to be getting worse. I'm trying to figure out when I can go, the only day my SO is home all day is Sunday. I'll talk to him about when he gets here. I want all these negative thoughts and feelings gone.

Quoting Courtney*heart*James&Quin:“ I feel the same way   I sadly started smoking again as well and im so dissapointed with myself  ”

I feel terrible.

Quoting BoogsMommyEBFB-FSB:“ Maybe you are depressed ”

I know I'm depressed. I was hospitalized/diagnosed with manic depression at 15, went to therapy until I was 18 and I thought I was ok. I would have lows here and there but never anything this severe. This past year has been so shitty, besides having the LO, I've been holding a lot in and now it's coming to the surface.
I'm scared they'll take my babies away. that I won't be a good mom to them.