so..**long** (big time vent) sorry.

it was my 8th grade year. the "bad boy" of the class all of sudden had a huge crush on me.. and when i say bad. i mean bad. drugs, cheating, the whole nine yards. but for some reason i was attracted. everything about him drew me in. his deep green eyes. his touch. everything. i wanted to help him. i wanted to help him to grow into the man i knew he could be.. years went by. I tried to help him. he cheated. over and over. and i couldn't find the will to give up. i kept trying. but he started getting into worse and worse drugs and kept cheating... although i was the only one he would really be himself around. when i was with him i got through to him. he communicated. he understood life. he understood good. but also the bad. then his dad committed suicide. worst day of his life. i was on the phone with him when his aunt called him to TELL him his dad was dead. pathetic. Ever since then.. it all went downhill. over and over he would talk about suicide... over and over i tried to tell his mom to get him help.. he would get mad and tell me he would do it. and make sure i was around/or on the phone so i would feel guilty. he wanted me to hurt. but i couldn't walk away. for heavens sake.. he needed help and i was there.. and had been there.. and wanted to change him..
then it happened. for some reason i didn't go to school one day.. my mom NEVER lets me skip. but that day she happened to. and he was going to skip. but didn't because he didn't want to make me mad.. he knew i got mad when he didn't go to school haha.. but i wasn't there.. and the people that gave him drugs were. i'm sure he did them. and then got caught. he told me and everyone else.. someone slipped ambien in his drink. i had seen him on ambien. this isn't what it was. he was CRYING and CRYING to me on the phone.. he didn't want to go back to AEP (a punishment in our school, kind of like prison) he was so sad..... we were on a "break" at this time.. which pretty much meant nothing but he had cheated on me again.. he just kept begging and begging for me back. said he had stopped the drugs.. and wouldn't ever cheat again.. now after the 50th time of hearing this.. of course i didn't believe him. i told him i was sorry... but i couldn't do this anymore.. he told me.. "ok, hold on" i did... and then i heard the "BANG".. my stomach fell.. i was dead in my footsteps. i couldn't move. couldn't think. all i could say was "nathan, nathan, nathan nathan" no answer.... i hung up really fast in panic.... tried to call back realizing how stupid i was... and it was busy... busy.. and busy.. i ran to my mom.. we went there right away. the front door was locked. but his side door is always open. my step dad opens it. .we call his name.. no answer. his mom isn't home.... we walk in the house... room to room.. then get to his... my step dad goes in. me one step behind.. and he starts yelling for me to get out of the house.. i knew... i melted. i went into an alternative mind state. In a matter of seconds his mom comes rushing around the corner "remembering she left a gun in the house from hungint the weekened before she turned around quickly to come back home"... it was too late....... this all happened september 26 2009... one month exactly till his 16th birthday.. his mom had already bought him a truck and all... It all just hit me hard tonight. i never REALLY DEALT. i just put it all in the back of my head... i pulled out my "nathan" box tonight.... everything from notes, a shirt that still has his scent JUST A LITTLE because i bundled it up in sac after sac. pictures. drawings he made for me. my promise ring.. everything... i broke down... Why now... i'm in a happy relationship.. i have my little girl... but this is bringing me down.. its subconscioulsy on my mind at all times...

i just needed to vent.. thanks ladies...

RIP NATHAN 1989-2005

i am so sorry

sometimes we don't feel grief in our day to day lives... but it's always there.


rest in peace nathan.

Quoting Loz ♥ Lily:“ i am so sorry sometimes we don't feel grief in our day to day lives... but it's always there. rest in peace nathan.”

yeah, i know what you mean.. and its weird.. because i remember my counselor saying.. "this may not effect you now.. but one day it will" uhhh what she right... i think i may have a picture.. i'll add it.. he was very handsome...

Quoting ABbiE_MaRiE:“ yeah, i know what you mean.. and its weird.. because i remember my counselor saying.. "this may not effect ... [snip!] ... you now.. but one day it will" uhhh what she right... i think i may have a picture.. i'll add it.. he was very handsome...”

yeah, i think denial or indifference is a copying strategy. sometimes it's just easier not to think about it.

until one day you do.  

do you still see a counsellor?

I am so sorry, but please dont ever blame yourself. Suicide is the easy way out for people. Its going to hurt all the time. But you'll still be okay. Your baby is beautiful.

Quoting Loz ♥ Lily:“ yeah, i think denial or indifference is a copying strategy. sometimes it's just easier not to think about it. until one day you do.   do you still see a counsellor?”

no. i never did. that was my school counselor.. and i told him i didn't want to speak with them... I have a really hard time talking to people.. but tonight i just felt like letting it all out...

Quoting karaina²²:“ I am so sorry, but please dont ever blame yourself. Suicide is the easy way out for people. Its going to hurt all the time. But you'll still be okay. Your baby is beautiful.”

Thank you very much. And i know.. but sometimes i do. After the toxicology report came back... his system.. had almost NO drugs in it... he was telling me the truth.. and i turned him away... after all those years....

Quoting ABbiE_MaRiE:“ no. i never did. that was my school counselor.. and i told him i didn't want to speak with them... I have a really hard time talking to people.. but tonight i just felt like letting it all out...”

it might really help.


but if you ever need to talk, and talking to a computer is easier, i'm here  

Quoting Loz ♥ Lily:“ it might really help. but if you ever need to talk, and talking to a computer is easier, i'm here  ”

well thank you very much. it was nice just to vent.

I'm so sorry for your loss. grief with this kind of loss, i think, never really goes away, just kind of goes dormant for short periods and then rears it's head again. good luck and i'm sorry

My prayers go out to Nathan and to you, stay strong mama   It's kinda crazy, when I was a senior I had to write a short story for english and it was so similar to the one you just told  

Quoting camillifer:“ My prayers go out to Nathan and to you, stay strong mama   It's kinda crazy, when I was a senior I had to write a short story for english and it was so similar to the one you just told  ”

as in this happened to you? or you just had to write something and this is what you came up with?

that is awful... im so sorry  
i can not even imagine what you are going through..
wow... im speachless. 

My heart to you love, I've been there, not exactly there but close enough. If you need help or an ear sympathetic and understanding I'm here.

Quoting ☆ Kirstin ☆:“ My heart to you love, I've been there, not exactly there but close enough. If you need help or an ear sympathetic and understanding I'm here.”

thank you very much.