For you, my angels.. (Long)

Lanie, Christina, & Heath,

I miss you all so very much.. I think about you every second of everyday since you left me, to go to your real home, in Heaven.. I sit here thinking about what could have been.. What kind of life I would have given all three of you, how your little/big sister Lydia would enjoy you all! Lanie, I think Lydia would just absolutely adore having a big sister!

Lanie you would be exactly 2 years, 3 months, 2 weeks, & 4 days old today.. Sometimes I sit here and wonder how I've made it this long without you here.. And then I remember I did it, because of the strength you gave me.. I feel you around me all the time, I can tell your watching, telling me, "Mommy, you can do it, your strong, your powerful, and I love you.." You were so beautiful when you were born.. I remember laying in the bathroom on the floor, just holding you against me.. I cried, cried so hard, I wanted you to be okay, I wanted you to be perfect, and you were, the Perfect Angel. I think about what you'd be like if you were here today.. What color would your hair be? Your eyes, and what would you be doing? Would you be into Dora the Explorer, Seasame Street like your sister Lydia, Barbies? Would your favorite color be purple, blue, or orange? What would your bedroom be like? Would you be a girlie girl like your mama, or a tom boy? I miss you so much, and like I said, I think about you constantly.. But I know you are in a much better place, and I know someone very special is watching over you.. I consider you, your sister, and your brother, and all the other angel babies, extrememly lucky.... To be in Heaven, I can only imagine what it's like... Beautiful I'm sure, peaceful, and I couldn't even think of what God is like, how gentle he must be with all of you..

Lanie LeAnne, I miss you, and I love you with everything I have.. Keep sleeping soundly my precious little one.. Mommy will see you again one day.

My little Christina&Heath,

When I had you both, and I heard your little cries, I felt a surge of relief, it meant you were both born alive, and fighting... Just like I thought you would, in my tummy you two use to wrestle with my belly or your brother/sister.. I knew you'd be strong, and a fighter just like your big sister Lydia. As fast as I heard you two cry, I heard nothing.. The nurses rushed you both off to help you.. I laid on the operating table, helpless while the nurses and doctors helped you both.. I laid there for what felt like an eternity, and finally they told me I was ready.. I got into my wheelchair and they hauled me down to the NICU, to see my sweet babies... I seen you, Christina first, you were so beautiful, so tiny, so fragile... You had the tiniest tuff of blonde hair on your beautiful head... I sat there and just stared in complete awe at the creation before me, then the doctors came over, and told me you and your brother had a very slim chance of making it.. Your hearts, and lungs were to underdeveloped, and you both were on machines, making you breath, and beating your hearts for you.. I lost it, I looked up at God, and asked why? I hope you and your brother both know, I never wanted to hurt either of you... I loved you far to much... The doctors explained I needed to decide what I wanted to do, keep the machines going or turn them off.. I needed to think.. And that's exactly what I did, I went to your brother, my little bald man, and cried and thought.. With every breath the machine was giving him, and how cold his arms felt I knew what I needed to do.. This would be no life for either of you, me, or your sister.. God wanted you two to join your sister Lanie, and him.. I held your brother first, I thought I'd hurt him, but the doctors reassured me, you two would feel nothing.. I held him so close to me.. I felt his little heart beating and I just couldn't bring myself to believe it wasn't actually him, I broke down.. I held him for an hour and a half.. The nurses took him and laid him down, I went to see you, Christina... You were so much tinier then Heath, your little piece of blonde hair made me think of Lydia.. How blonde her hair had been.. I looked at you and I thought about all the things you'd never do, never experience, my heart broke for you, and your brother... I wanted to go to Heaven, not you two.. I didn't want to live here on Earth without you, Heath, or Lanie.. As I held you and watched you, your brother had complications, and was pronounced dead, the machines were no longer keeping him alive.. I wished I had been there, I chose to hold onto you while they got him ready for pictures with you.. I couldn't think about it, I just wanted to wrap you, Christina, in a blanket and take you home.. Finally your brother was ready.. They brought him into us, I held you both together, side by side, how it should be.. Your brother was so cold, so lifeless, and I felt horrible pain inside, after about 50 minutes of holding you both, I decided it was time, Christina you have to know this was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life.. The doctors came over and turned off one machine at a time.. As I felt the life leave your body, I died inside.. I sat there holding you both... Praying, praying you'd have safe travels to Heaven...

Now I sit here, at home, no longer pregnant, with no children in the hospital, Christina & Heath, you two would be one week, and one day old today... I don't know how I'm goign to pull through this, but I'm going to, for you two... Two precious lives were already stopped, another one doesn't need to be.. From this point forward, I'm going to live, live for you all.. Lanie, Christina, and Heath.. I'm going to live my life to the fullest, with every breath I take for teh rest of my life going to you all.. With every breath I take I love you more, and miss you all more... Life for me, and your sister will never be the same with out you three here... But we'll live it for you.. In your memory..

My precious little one's, I love you all, and I miss you more then you will ever know! God, please take good care of them, like I know you will! Watch over me and your sister please!
I'll live on for you three!

I love you, I miss you, none of you will be forgotten,

Your mommy.

I'm so sorry for your losses  

wow this made me cry... i envy you for being able to see the bright side and see how they made you stronger and to see that you can do it. congratulations for being able to look past the bad, and being the best mama you can for your children

Im so so so sorry mama. Im here crying, at work. This all hits so close to home and I can only imagine part of the pain you are going through. Im not going to say everything will be okay and that time heals everything..All I will say is that Im here if you do need to talk and that you have beautiful angels watching over you!

Awwwww!
This brought tears to my eyes.
You are such a strong and beautiful person! To be able to see a brighter side in all this is nothing short of amazing. I admire you for doing what you knew needed to be done and remaining strong throughout it all.
<3

oh my, that made me cry!! You are in my prayers.

That was beautiful. You are so strong.

You are truely a remarkable woman.That was the most beautiful thing I have ever read. God gave you the strength of a million woman put together. I can't even begin to imagine the sorrow and pain you are going through. I pray that everything will work out for you and your sweet little girl. She is a beautiful gift! Stay strong momma. Everything has a way of working out in mysterious ways.

You are one amazingly storng woman.. I could never imagine going through all you have and still be strong!! You are in my prayers!! Love to you and Lydia and those precious babies watching over you from heaven may they rest in peace!!!

As I sit here in tears, I can't even imagine what you are feeling...thinking, ...doing...but know that there are a lot of people praying for you and Lydia. I'm so sorry for your loss...Heaven gained 3 beautiful angels! 

Bridget, I have read all of your posts lately. I have been thinking of what to write but I am at a loss for words. I am very sorry for your losses: Heath, Christina and Lanie. Lydia has gone through so much in her short life. And you are an extremely strong woman. An inspiration!