Oh Baby, There you Stand...

Today was an 'Eagles' day.
Specifically 'Wasted Time'.

'Well, baby, there you stand
with your little head down in your hand.
Oh my God, you can't believe it's happening again.
Your baby's gone and you're all alone and it looks like the end.

And you're back out on the street
and you're tryin' to remember.
How do you start it over? You don't know if you can.
You don't care much for a stranger's touch but you can't hold your man.'

How do I start over? How do I reinvent myself after this? I had it all figured out. I had my plans made. I was well into making them happen. With a daughter, pregnant with another. Loving husband. Finally a family and a plan.
For the first time ever, I was happy. I was strong without being so rigid that I was unable to bend. I was healthy for the first time in my life. Mentally, physically and psychically. My daughter had taught me to not take myself seriously, but the Army had taught me discipline and that I literally could do anything I set my mind to. The 'I can't do that' was gone. There were no walls.
Even the hate I'd dragged around from my childhood as an abused kid who was sent to foster care had abated.
I never thought it would.

'You never thought you'd be alone
this far down the line'

I had thought that I'd finally been thrown a bone. I'd done my time in hell and had climbed my way back out on my own merits. Someone cosmically was paying me back for having gone through crap.

Not to say things were perfect. That would be impossible and unrealistic. A slap in the face of what was. Marriage is hard. Money was really tight, andAllyn wasn't good with it at all. But I am. I wasn't good at letting myself trust anyone else.. I had to learn how to ask for help and let someone take over sometimes. Let my myself be 'off' for a while. We complimented each other. Always did.

But I was a partner in my marriage and a partner in parenthood. We trusted each other the way people who were literally trained to put our lives in each other's hands could. We both knew that

The strength that I have been able to build with Allyn's help literally keeps me alive now. The anger drives me. It'll take time, but something will give.
It is unlikely that things will be this way forever.

But someone owes me a pound of flesh.
I'll claw it out myself with my hands if I have to.

Quoting stephaniewalters:“ Today was an 'Eagles' day. Specifically 'Wasted Time'. 'Well, baby, there you stand with your little ... [snip!] ... things will be this way forever. But someone owes me a pound of flesh. I'll claw it out myself with my hands if I have to.”

That was powerful, you are a strng, courageous woman, you can do this!

Im sorry love, I was thinking about you and your family a few days ago. Wondering how you were getting along. I know I will never fully understand that pain you are going through. But as a fellow military wife my heart goes out to you and your family.

I'm in tears! This isn't fair for anyone to go through, I wish there were something I could say to make it easier but you know there is nothing anyone can say   You know he's watching over you and your alls little family he still has your back. He'd want you to carry on and raise your little girls the best you can!