I just can't deal with this.

I haven't posted a lot on the boards, just here and there. I feel I spend my days just trying to get through them. When I read about how hurt everyone else is feeling here, I feel guilty about how I feel. It doesn't make it go away, it just adds. I don't know what to do. My husband is supportive, but he doesn't like to talk about "the thing that happened." I've been posting lyrics to Facebook, but I'm now alienating friends and just lost my only outlet. We've been to counseling. My MIL recommended I look for blogs or other mothers online when I told her I was feeling alone. She didn't mean it in a negative way, but I feel alone.

In mid-September, I went into preterm labor (shortly after 20 weeks), delivered our daughter--she was alive, kicking, holding onto my finger with her little hand...She passed away a few minutes later. Lab results came back that I tested positive for chorio. I've dealt with that, that there was nothing that could save her.

I haven't dealt with everything else. That I feel I'm really needing someone & everyone just keeps turning me away. I even had a friend tell me that I was lucky this happened before she was a "real" baby. She was real to me. I have a nursery of furniture, bedding, clothes...Her memory box (I'm supposed to have a baby, not a memory box) is on the table with the outfit the hospital gave her, filled with cards from the hospital and a few family members. I have her pictures everywhere--she looked exactly like my husband. But it means nothing to these people because she didn't come home, we didn't change her diaper...I feel like I am the only one still feeling upset about this, that everyone else thinks I should "be over it" by now, and that I even have to deal with it myself because nobody else wants to talk about it.

We are looking forward to having another child. Some days, I wish it would happen right now--Not to replace our daughter, but to have a child, the same reasons we wanted to have her.

It's been almost two months. I'm starting to believe these people that treat me like I shouldn't be upset about it.

I'm so sorry this is long, I just don't know what to do or how to deal with it.

Im SO sorry momma, thats horrible.... and its not going to go away like it never happened, ever ever, people need to understand that and give you as much time as YOU think you need  

I'm sorry mommy <3

Quoting emodwo:“ I haven't posted a lot on the boards, just here and there. I feel I spend my days just trying to get ... [snip!] ... treat me like I shouldn't be upset about it. I'm so sorry this is long, I just don't know what to do or how to deal with it.”

Here's what you should do: be upset! As long as you want. Grieve and get it out. Cry, cry, and cry some more. Punch pillows, go take a kickboxing class, something. Don't let people get you any more down than you already are.

No matter what anyone says, you ARE a mother. You carried that baby inside of you for 5 months and had things have been different, you would've had another 4 months left to go. Babies are little blessings.

My regards for your situation, but again - don't let ANYONE make you think you're less of a person or that your daughter wasn't "a real baby". Whoever said that to you, they don't sound like someone you should remain friends with, even if they were just trying to help you out.

Good luck, mama.

Quoting Le.:“ Here's what you should do: be upset! As long as you want. Grieve and get it out. Cry, cry, and cry some ... [snip!] ... they don't sound like someone you should remain friends with, even if they were just trying to help you out. Good luck, mama.”

amen to all of this!

It's so nice to hear from people that understand what's going on. My friends and family are wonderful, but they really stink in regards to just "being there." I can understand my husband avoiding this...he's still upset and has told me numerous times he just feels helpless because there's nothing he can do to fix this or make me happy. I do realize it's been nearly two months, but at the same time, it's only been two months.

Sure, there have been more "happy days." But it doesn't mean the sad times go away. Sometimes I'll feel wonderful all day, then just have a breakdown and have no clue what triggered it.

I'm really glad (in a bittersweet way) that people here at least understand that. I actually feel I'm getting more support from this board than I'm getting from people in my "real" life.

Quoting emodwo:“ It's so nice to hear from people that understand what's going on. My friends and family are wonderful, ... [snip!] ... least understand that. I actually feel I'm getting more support from this board than I'm getting from people in my "real" life.”

That's how it is for a lot of women I've seen on here. Their families are pathetic when it comes to giving support. Random women on the internet have helped ME out, as well! So I can get where you're coming from in that aspect, at least.

Are you and dh going to TTC anytime soon, or has it been exactly that - too soon?

Quoting emodwo:“ It's so nice to hear from people that understand what's going on. My friends and family are wonderful, ... [snip!] ... least understand that. I actually feel I'm getting more support from this board than I'm getting from people in my "real" life.”

happens a lot on here... its why lots of us come here, because its such a safe understanding place when it comes to lots of the hard stuff of parenting, and loss..... lots of drama sometimes, but for the important, hard stuff, BG is awesome. dont feel bad about using that!!!! its what we're here for, you can post as much as you want when you want, and people will be here and be understanding and supportive.

Quoting Addisons Momma!:“ its such a safe understanding place when ... ”

Yes, it really feels that way. And I'm very appreciative of everyone's responses. Thank you so much for just being there. It really makes a difference to know I'm not the only one experiencing these things.