I still feel them

All night long, I felt the babies moving.... But there not there... I can still feel Christina's foot constantly jabbing my ribs and Heath's hands constantly hitting my lower belly.. I feel so lost... I just keep thinking what if? What if I would have just waited and seen.. I mean things could have been different if I would have waited on the c-section.. What if everyone would have been alright? I keep thinking about Lydia and the hard struggle we had... Maybe God didn't want that for these babies too.. He works in mysterious ways right? I keep trying to hold my head up high, be strong.. But I just keep crumbling back down.. I keep thinking I'll never be able to function again... This hurts, it hurts so bad... Will Lydia have the same problems as I do? Will she have horrible luck on carrying a baby? Will she live a normal life, well as normal as it will be for Lydia...
I keep asking myself, why me? I sound so selfish but I really do wonder sometimes... Couldn't God have seperated my hurt into a whole bunch of different people and then we could all just hurt a teeny tiny bit.
I need to call Jack, but I can't bring myself to do it.. I want him here so badly... I want him to sit and cry with me, and hurt with me.. But I'm so scared he's going to reject this too.. What if he does? What if he doesn't?
I'm so angry, so angry at myself, so angry at God, so angry at my doctor, so angry at everyone... I hate myself for doing this to another child.. I should have listened to "certain" people, and had never tried for another.. I could have just let it go and someone who really wanted a baby maybe would have gotten one? Why was I so selfish, I have one beautiful angel baby already, and I have my precious Lydia.. But it was never enough for me.. I just wanted to be a mom.. I just wanted what every other women wants..
I'm so mad at God, for letting this all happen to us.. Sometimes I think I hate him.. It's horrible to say, but I get so mad at him.. I don't want my life to fall apart, why does he? Why does he think I'm strong enough to handle this all? I'm not.. I didn't think I could make it through Lydia, I felt like I could have died and now this?
My doctor, did she do the right thing? Could things have been different? Maybe if we would have waited one more day, things could have been different.. Just maybe Heath and Christina would still be in my womb, really kicking me...
I'm sick to my stomach and I just needed to write for a while...

Mommy loves you, my sweet angels...
Sleep good..

RIP
Heath Cedric Levi & Christina Harlow Lee


how do I get a youtube video to post on here?

I am so sorry, (((hugs)))

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Edit: Go to your albums, choose an album then click 'add photo' then put the youtube video url in the link thing and save it.

Im so sorry mama... you made me cry with you, if it counts lol I hope things get better for you.

I'm sorry momma <3.... I know nothing will ever make it better, But you have mycondolences.

Mama I wish I could take your hurt from you because you have been hurting for so long, through so much, and you don't deserve it. I don't think anyone is strong enough for everything you've been through.

I am so sorry mama

I just feel so alone.. I can't explain it to anyone.. My family wants to talk about everything so badly.. But I don't want them near me.. I don't want to be comforted by them.. I'm so sick... I can hardly beleive any of this, I still feel like I'm walking around in a daze..

i am so sorry Bridget. its ok to be mad. you have a damned good right to be mad. take your time. no one expects you to just bounce back. remember we are here if you need to talk.

Quoting TheAirForceWife:“ i am so sorry Bridget. its ok to be mad. you have a damned good right to be mad. take your time. no one expects you to just bounce back. remember we are here if you need to talk.”

      
i am sorry hun! oh and for the youtube thing, you go to ur albums and put it in and copy the url for here.