Three Am and I Don't Care

It is early. Or late. Depending on weather or not you have slept. I haven't.
Rebound insomnia is a bitch. But so is everything else.

By all measures I'm doing alright. All functions check out, all systems go.
But not really.

Normal has become relative and 'Are you okay' is a stupid question.
I'm not killing myself, by feet or inches. My bills are getting paid. My house is clean and so is my daughter. But no, I'm not okay.

Usually life is full of living and the rest comes up only when my thoughts run rampant and I can't block it anymore. Like when it is 3:30 and I'm caught up in rebound insomnia and grief.

I can't stand that this whole thing was forseeable but was unforseen. Allyn had been having fishy symptoms for two years. It wasn't as though they were ignored either. Three duty stations in two years and no matter how many tests or physicals he had no one noticed anything horribly out of the ordinary.

He had high blood pressure and cholesterol. But he was well regulated by medication which I Nazied over him constantly. He took his pills. I went to the doctor often enough for pregnancy reasons that between the two of us we were always being seen by someone. He always had them check his blood pressure when I was having my vitals done. His BP was WNL.

Yet he still had symptoms that the two of us decided seemed either cardiac or neuro. Headaches, tingling fingers, auras,things like that. And he went to doctors for it. Had stress tests, his over forty physical. ECGs. MRI.

His ECG showed an elevated T wave, but the doctor wrote it off. And so it went for two years and multiple duty stations. Minimum of six doctors saw him for these things. We did everything we were supposed to do. He was finally diagnosed with a diagnosis of exclusion, 'phantom migraines'. He was given a medication to titrate himself onto.

But those don't kill you.
You know what does?

CAD. And not quickly.
Or at least that is what the preliminary autopsy report says.

It isn't a disease that sneaks up on you by any means. It builds up and has symptoms. Like headaches. And tingling fingers. You know what you should do? See a damn doctor. Get stress tests and ECGs and MRIs. Report any troubling symptoms.

How do you get cleared by a cardiologist and a neurologist and then die within weeks of a chronic disease?

The military has a real 'if you aren't dead you are deploying' attitude. I've seen people who shouldn't deploy go downrange repeatedly. Ususally they get sent back for medical treatment if they really shouldn't have gone. Buy I have never seen it fatal.
Until now.

It is possible that the last doctors were hedging their bets that he would be okay until the end of the deployment and that this would get caught in the post deployment physical. That bet didn't pan out very well. It doesn't quite make sense either because at least one of those specialists were civilian contractors working off post. They had no incentive to keep him deployable.

And so there is an investigation that may well last forever. As much faith as I have in the system I can't help but wonder if the Army will try to protect its larger factions instead of my family. I can't see how this would benefit them because the people investigating have no incentive to cover things up. There are no repercussions of finding someone negligent. You can't sue the government anyway.

Not that I am looking for money. If someone screwed up, I mean WHEN we PROVE that someone screwed up and can identify who, I want my pound of flesh. I don't care whose lives get ruined in the process.

Mine will never be the same. My girls will not remember daddy, and one will never meet him.

So now I wait in limbo, getting monthly updates from a CID officer who seems to be doing his job well. I'm gestating, eating, sleeping and taking care of my girls. I clean my house often enough that I'm not embarrassed if people show up. I go about daily life. I go shopping and try to find things to fill my time without taking too much responsibility for anything. But I'm not living. I'm waiting. And wondering.

I'm so bewildered. I know that the only people I'm answerable to are my girls and anyone who has a problem with my brashness can bite my big fat middle finger. But what else is there? I want to stay in the house and never talk to anyone, and I want to leave because it gets claustraphobic. I want to move far away from here and all of the memories associated with this place and I want to stay so we can have permanency. I want to go to school but it seems like a bigger burden than I can bear right now. I want to tell everyone to leave me alone, but I'm lonely. I'm mad at the world but I understand that people die and I'm not mad about that. I hate everything.

I don't want to sit here and get old and gray. I've got itchy feet and cannot fly.
I'm so lost. Last time I was this lost I got married ran away and joined the Army. Now it is more profound.

I miss Allyn. I know that is painfully obvious, but it is the most primal truth I know. I've got a huge hole in my soul that is depthless. I've got a void in my life that renders everything else meaningless. Except my girls.

If it weren't for my girls I'd be a lot worse off. And so would a hell of a lot of military doctors.

To be truthful, a prior-service-combat-medic-pregnant-pissed-off-Army-widow is a pretty formidable force to be recconed with. I'm 24 and ten thousand years old.

Lord have mercy on my soul. And that of anyone who gets in my way.

In no way can understand what you have gone through and what you deal with everyday. I will not tell you that it will be okay, I will not tell you that it gets better. I don't know that it does get better and I don't know that you'll be okay. I do know that you have one gorgeous daughter, and another on the way that both need you and love you. All you can do is the best you can for them. Be your best for them. If you'd like to go to school, maybe online classes wouldn't be too much to handle right now. You wouldn't have to leave and most of it can be done on YOUR time (with in deadlines of course). I don't know momma, but if you ever need to talk, rant, bitch, rave, whatever I will listen. I won't even say anything if you don't want me too... I'll just listen. You can PM me anytime you'd like. I'm always here.

whoa......you sound like life has just beaten you down...

you deserve happiness....love....time....but more importantly you deserve to live and be free...

I am at a loss for words after reading that....I dont know what to say..

You are an amazingly strong woman. I hope time will help your cause. Always remember and never regret. If you ever need anything, I can't say I will understand but I will listen.

I know its knot much coming from a stranger.

Keep your chin up. Your daughter is beautiful, as I'm sure your little one in waiting will be too!

wow... i'm really speechless mama... i can say i'm beyond sorry for your loss.  your going through a lot and it isn't a fair card to be dealt to you. i wish there was a magic word to make your world so much better... just know that there are open ears here for you.

*hugs*

hey girl. all i can say is give em hell. you deserve justice, you deserve the little peace of mind that will come from that justice. will it heal all and make it all better? probably not, but it will do some bit of good. I hope you find that peace and that justice, and just know i am here if you need me.

keep fighting them. even if there is no reason to cover anything up, to get out of proving negligence, you'll be there at every turn.

I'm so sorry for your loss and can only imagine how much your hurting atm. You area strong and amazing woman.The only advice I can give is that (from what i've heard and experinced in my life so far) that there is always light at the end of the tunnel it might only be a small speck thats only just visable atm but it's there, hang in there and in time (itwill be awhile yet) but it will get better  . And when things get really bad remember that you've got two very special little girls and will always have a little piece of him with you because of them  . And I hope that you get the justice you and your little ones deserve concerning the doctors *hugs*

It is a true crime when doctors fail to do their jobs thoroughally and correctly to the point that a person dies. I truly hope that they are punished for their actions or more accurately, non actions but I seriously doubt that will ever happen.
Although that will not bring back your beloved husband and childrens father it may at least help to avoid other tragedies in the future.

I have been misdiagnosed more than once with numerous complications, but I amone of thelucky ones in that their actions did not end my life.

My heart goes out to you and your girls...the military and this country will forever be in your debt...nothing they do will repair the damage that has been caused, but the right course of action will bring you some kind of closure (i hope)....there is not hardest part in this fight, it will all be hard...someday more bearable than others,but now it's all about time taking it's course. A Pandora box has been opened, and i know you will make sure it doesn't close until those who are guilty have been entrapped in it and live in limbo for the rest of their lives...my thoughts and prayers are with you...and know that it is an amazing honor to know you...

Quoting stephaniewalters:“ It is early. Or late. Depending on weather or not you have slept. I haven't. Rebound insomnia is a bitch. ... [snip!] ... to be recconed with. I'm 24 and ten thousand years old. Lord have mercy on my soul. And that of anyone who gets in my way.”

Just keep going....take it one day at a time....and when that seems too much, take it one minute at a time........You have already shown that you can get through and while your spirit mayfeel broken, you have a will that is unbending. Keep fighting for the truth, it will not bring your husband back, but it will bring some closure.....and just keep holding tight to those beautiful girls that you still do have......You are doing an amazing job!



***HUGS***

Quoting stephaniewalters:“ It is early. Or late. Depending on weather or not you have slept. I haven't. Rebound insomnia is a bitch. ... [snip!] ... to be recconed with. I'm 24 and ten thousand years old. Lord have mercy on my soul. And that of anyone who gets in my way.”

awww sweetie. I wish I had a magic word to make it better. But I am here for you and will even PM you my cell # with an open offer to call ANYtime

This makes me sad.
Can't even image what you're going through.
My prayers are with you.