re: Introduce Yourself....

Hi my name is Tymber and I am seventeen.

So far I have had one miscarriage. I lost the baby around  March of 2006. I was so broken up about it, my boyfriend said that I could name the child. We didn't know the gender because I didn't know I was pregnant until I miscarried. I named it April Elizibeth because that was my favourite name at the time. I am hoping my current pregnancy (if it isn't a false alarm) will go well and that I will have a healthy child instead of another heart break.

Hi my name is Catherine and my partner name is Darin, we live in New Zealand.
This is my story....

We stopped taking our birth control on the 27th December 2006, by the 31st January it was confirmed already that we would be expecting a baby, with the due date of 3rd October 2007.   Darin was superman!

From four weeks, I had morning sickness, and it never eased until the day I had her.  It was not an enjoyable pregnancy at all.

At 21 weeks & 6 days preganant on the 28th May 2007 at 9am we got to go and have our very first scan.    We were both so excited, I could hardly wait to see our baby on the moniter, the whole time all i could do was try and peek to see if we could see what sex we were having everything look so perfect.  We were sent outside to wait for the DVD to burn.  Then our midwife came running up went into the scanning room and came out and asked us to go downstairs to her office as they think there might be a problem with the baby.    We left the room, i felt frozen in the hallway, i didn't want to go anywhere until she told us, she said it was spinabifda my heart sank, how could this happen to us.... what had i done wrong, we did everything by the book.  I was taking 0.8mg of folic acid, being so careful in what I was eating, not that Ava like much she would always make me sick.

We needed to go out of town urgently for the more accurate scan and to see a specialist to determine the extent and type of spinabifda it was.  We were sent home and waited for the phone to ring all day with our appointment, we waited all day, we went to the hospital twice trying to find out what was happening and phoned several times as well. It was not until the next day tuesday that we got the phone call from Wellington telling us to come down Thursday.

The days between tuesday and thursday are a bit of a blur all I could think about was having the next scan and the specialist was going to tell us it was all going to be alright a mistake was made that was all.

We researched everything we could find out about spinabifda to make sure we knew what we could be getting ourselves in for and tried to prepare ourselves for the worst.

We arriveed in Wellington and waited for the specialist to give us our scan, we went into the dark room and laid on the bed.  As he scanned my tummy I held Darin's hand tight looking at the monitor.  The specialist asked us what we knew about spinabifda,  we rattled off that we knew that there were three different types and that each case had different severitites.  He looked at us and said he was sorry to say it was the worst case that we were dealing with. 

We were taken into another room. Me and Darin stood there crying for our baby. He held me in his arms and never let me go.  Why us? was going over and over in my head, was it something I had done?  Why?

The specialist and head of midwifery came in we went to another room, he explained to us of what kind of life Ava would live if we were to continue live, she would have moderate to severe brain damage due to the fluid on her brain already, she would have to be born by cesearan due to the size her head would become due to the fluid on the brain, she would be severly disabled due to the size of the defect.  We were told everything and asked if we wanted to cntinue on or if we wanted to stop the preganancy.  We were told the decision would have to be made within the week as we were too far along and too induce a miscarriage might not work.  The one thing the specialist said that was burnt into my mind was - would we want to live a life like that?

We said we would go away and think about it, we walked out to the car and got in Darin said he knew straight away what he wanted too do and asked what I wanted to do. I said terminate  there is no way that I would want to live a life like our baby was going to have, and it was no way we wanted our baby to experience life.  We went back in and told them of our decision.

That afternoon at 4.30ish I was given the first lot of pills to start the miscarriage process we were then sent home to come back on saturday to have her.

Friday was a blur... I had the horrible feeling that I was helping to kill our baby, I felt like I was the cause, I had done something wrong or that it was my fault in some way.  I hate myself knowing that we had decide to end her life, the baby i had wanted for so long, the baby that we love so much.  I could still feel Ava moving around my tummy, I wish Darin could of felt her moving, he was always putting his head on my tummy trying to feel her kick or hear her heartbeat.  He was so protective and spoiled me throughout the whole pregnancy.  How was I so lucky to have found this unbelivable person, I feel complete when I am with him.

We arrived at the hospital and were in the new born ward where mothers are taken after they have had healthly babies.  We were put in our own private room and then it begun.  Drugs were pumped into me throughout the day, I felt like such a wimp not handling the pain.  I don't know if it was the pain of labour or the pain of the broken heart I had for our baby. 

My waters broke about 6-6.30 i think, I heard a pop and then it gushed out.  The pain got worse and worse the contractions were closer and closer, as I held Darin's hand and squeezed with the pain.  He was so supportive throughout to my every wimper or wine.

At about 8ish i told the midwife I had to go to the toilet she said you need to push, I said no i need to wee.  I got up and sat on the toilet and said I need to push now, i can feel the baby coming now, she ran in just in time to catch our little baby. 

I remember her asking Darin to hold her while she did the placenta, he held me and a flood of tears came.  I had to be his rock, he is always so strong for me.  I felt guilty for not crying when I had her, I held her in my arms immediately as the midwife did the placenta.  How could i not fumble over this tiny little baby? It was so natural.

At 8.08pm on the 2nd June 2007 our baby arrived.

We went back on the bed I asked the midwife if it was a boy or girl?  she had a look, but had to move her flipper feet they were big like daddy's and were in the way of us finding out.  She said it was a little girl! Darin was right he told me all along we were having a little girl.

As i sat on the bed I never wanted to put her down, as the midwife wrapped her tiny little body up properly I saw the defect in the spine on her back, reassuring myself that from seeing that we had made the right decision. 

I sat there and out of blue said to Darin can we call her Ava Dawn... why I said it at that point I dont know.  

The midwife took our little girl away to take her foot prints and hand prints and dressed her in a sweet little dress, tiny little nappy, tiny little booties, tiny little hat, wrapped her in a blanket and brought us back to us to fill out the hospital bands for her. 

We held her all night having turns, I never wanted to lay her down.  She had a perfect little nose just like her daddy and a little pout just like me.  Blonde blonde eye brows and eye lashes.   She was so perfect how could this happen.

My heart would sink down as I heard the other babies crying in the ward, as i held our little girl knowing that I would never get to hear her cry.

We took so many photos, but never enough.  it would never of been enough no matter how many we took.

The next morning as I showered Darin looked at Ava's back to reassure himself we had made the right decision as well.

The hardest thing I have ever had to do was letting go of her, we sent her off with the midwife in her little basket, with her blanket and tiny little teddy.

We kept her hat, booties and blanket, we had her foot prints and hand printed stamped onto to a card for us, and took loads of photos. We told everyone we had photos and her stuff, if they wanted to look, i was suprised that everyone wanted to look. 

The week after the birth we left the country for our holiday that was planned before Ava was planned, three weeks away was wonderful, we could walk down the street not having to worry if someone was going to ask how the pregnancy was going.  The time before then was hell we didn't want to lift our heads in the streets, I didn't want to see anyone.

I have good days and bad days but would never I got through any of this without the support of the Darin, he is unbelievable and i am so lucky to have found such happiness that I thought never existed.  Not a day goes by the that I don't think of her she will always be in my heart. 

We picked up our little girl ashes on the 4th August and she is now home safe and sound we us. We were given the hospital notice too that said cause of death severe spinabifda.  I feel so much better know she is here with us.

We are currently trying for baby no 2.

My name is Sandi and I'm 23 yrs old. I have been married to my husband for closing in on a year but been in love with him since I was 14. We have been through hell together (you don't even know the half) and it seemed like us together wasn't going to be easy. In Feb I went in for a reg gyno apt and was told I might be pregnant. I wasn't but they wanted to know why my health was declining so fast combined with my enlarged uterus. I had several tests done and finally was told that I would not be having any children. At 22 (my hubby's 22) I was devistated. But then about 2 months later my friends suspected that I was pregnant. They were right! In fact I was 5 weeks pregnant. I had an easy pregnancy. My dr took good care of me. We had 3 ultrasounds and heard the heartbeat. It was the most miraculous sound ever. But at 13 weeks my growing belly didnt reflect what was really going on. We went to the hospital for a routine checkup. After the dr tried for about 20 mins to find the baby's heartbeat, she ordered an ultrasound. that picture was the last picture that my husband and I ever saw of our angel. 3 days later i had a DNC. it was the most horrible thing ive ever had to go trhough. my baby was a boy. Jordan Cyan joined the angels on August 4. Ironically my husband and is annieverisary. its been 3 months and it still hurts...so much.

Quoting expectingangel:“ Hi, my name is Angel. I am 23 years old and I live in Tennessee. I joined this group over a year ago, ... [snip!] ... reality it has brought us closer. When we feel like we are falling into the oblivion, we cling to each other and always will.”