Why I Keep Going

Today is one of those days where I'd rather not have ever gotten out of bed. I've been thinking a lot about what Allyn must have gone through in his last moments. Did he know what was happening? Was he scared? Did he miss me? Was he glad I didn't see him that way? I got some info back from the investigation and it is looking more and more like medical malpractice. By commission, not omission. He never should have deployed.

I can't sleep. I wish I could. I know my body and both babies need it, but I can't do it. I just want to cry and cry. I'm profoundly alone.

I've also thought a lot about how things are going to be when I eventually start dating again. I'm 24 and it would be unreasonable to expect me not to. I figured if Allyn and I ever got divorced that I wouldn't ever remarry because I really believe no one could ever love our girls half as much as we do. I didn't want to put them through my struggle of finding a suitable partner. I still feel that way, and I'm a long way off from dating, but I'm profoundly lonely.

So I sat here and I felt sorry for myself. I sat here feeling sorry for my girls. I sat here feeling like I'm a failure for not being able to provide what the two of us together could have.

Then I went and checked on Peanuthead. She has the flu and had a rough day. She couldn't nap at all and was miserable when she finally consented to go to bed.

There she was just laying there. A perfect mix between me and Allyn. She lay on the mattress we picked out in the crib we picked out and Allyn lovingly put together the first time. He said it was a daddy's job. She had her earrings in, the diamond ones that daddy had made out of an old ring he didn't wear anymore for his lovely wonderful girl. She was peaceful.

The promise is what keeps me going. First the promise that I made to Allyn that I would do the best job raising our girls that I possibly could while he was gone. I didn't expect him to be gone forever, but gone is still gone.
More profoundly I keep the promise I made to my little girls. A promise to take care of them in the way that they deserve instead of the way that is conveniant for me. I grew up with only examples of what not to do, and have worked hard to educate myself in what I should do without being overboard about things. My girls lost their daddy.
They sure didn't lose me. I am strong enough to love them enough for the both of us. I have to be because they deserve it. If I ever marry again, any love that that man would bring would be a bonus. The girls have all the love they need already.

I am so sorry mama. Your story in your profile brings me to tears. My husband is in the Air Force. I can't imagine what you must be going through. What does it mean by medical malpractice by commission?

It means that they found a problem and instead of doing something about it, they just didn't. Ommission would have been that they were negligent because they didn't find it. They hedged their bets that he would be okay until he came back and saw another doctor. They were trying to fill their roster.

It means that they found a problem and instead of doing something about it, they just didn't. Ommission would have been that they were negligent because they didn't find it. They hedged their bets that he would be okay until he came back and saw another doctor. They were trying to fill their roster.

Everytime I read a post by you it makes me cry. I just can't even imagine the pain you must feel on a day to day basis. I lost my ex fiance 5 years ago, but we were not married, had no kids, and had no where near the relationship you and your husband had. So I do know a small part of the pain you are feeling. You are a very very strong women, and you're children are lucky to have you as a mother!!!

Quoting Mandi♥Trinity{EBFB:“ Everytime I read a post by you it makes me cry. I just can't even imagine the pain you must feel on a ... [snip!] ... part of the pain you are feeling. You are a very very strong women, and you're children are lucky to have you as a mother!!!”

I am lucky to have them. I was anyway, but I would be in much worse shape otherwise. They are really good girls.

Okay, not really. The bigger one is a really good girl. The other is a really kicky fetus.

Quoting stephaniewalters:“ It means that they found a problem and instead of doing something about it, they just didn't. Ommission ... [snip!] ... They hedged their bets that he would be okay until he came back and saw another doctor. They were trying to fill their roster.”

Oh my that is so terrible. You are stronger than I, I know I would never be able to deal with something like this. Your girls are lucky to have you.

Quoting stephaniewalters:“ I am lucky to have them. I was anyway, but I would be in much worse shape otherwise. They are really ... [snip!] ... They are really good girls. Okay, not really. The bigger one is a really good girl. The other is a really kicky fetus.”

She can still be a really good girl  How is your MIL doing? I read your post a little while ago about her not doing well.

Quoting Mandi♥Trinity{EBFB:“ Everytime I read a post by you it makes me cry. I just can't even imagine the pain you must feel on a ... [snip!] ... part of the pain you are feeling. You are a very very strong women, and you're children are lucky to have you as a mother!!!”

Also, I don't believe in comparing grief. Yours has just as much emotional connotation as mine does. The primary loss is the same. The secondary loss is where the differences come in. Who am I to think that you weren't as invested in your fiance emotionally as I was in my husband? Your grief is just as valid.

Let it out. That is what the forum is for.

Quoting Mandi♥Trinity{EBFB:“ She can still be a really good girl  How is your MIL doing? I read your post a little while ago about her not doing well.”

She is doing much better, thank you. She take a lot of medications and it turns out she got really confused and ran out of some and was taking doubles of others because she didn't realize she had generic and brand names of the same pills. Now that we have her on a schedual and impressed the need to take them as directed instead of all at once she is doing much better. She may get her car keys back soon.

Quoting Marilee & Micah [m&m]:“ Oh my that is so terrible. You are stronger than I, I know I would never be able to deal with something like this. Your girls are lucky to have you.”

Panama City is actually where Allyn and I went on our last trip together before he deployed. We took a long weekend away and had a great time. I really cherish those pics now.

Your story truly breaks my heart, I am so very sorry for your loss. I will pray for you and your girls. If you ever, I repeat, ever need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate for a second to PM me. You have all the girls here at BG willing to talk to you, we are always here for support. I hope you keep your strength to stay strong, stay strong for those two little girls. They may not physically know their Daddy but they will always know that he was a brave man, an amazing father and he died for their country. They will know this because you will tell them and you can still keep him alive with your memories and your girls will love him like he is there. Reading your story makes me believe anything is possible because if you can get through this, for your girls, than you can get through anything. It makes me sick to think there are men out there that leave their pregnant wives/gfs because of their own selfishness and you had an amazing husband/father who was taken from you. You can get through this mama, you don't need to think about anything but those girls because they need you to be there and show them that even though their Daddy isn't there physically, he can still be in your lives  

You should really write a book. Fiction, nonfiction, whatever. You have such a way with words and such an interesting insight and wisdom. Whether you were willing to earn that insight and wisdom or not is irrelevant.  

Hey you never know, maybe you could get published. Make as many good things come from this as you possibly can.

I would buy your book. Whatever kind of book it might be.

Quoting stephaniewalters:“ Also, I don't believe in comparing grief. Yours has just as much emotional connotation as mine does. ... [snip!] ... in your fiance emotionally as I was in my husband? Your grief is just as valid. Let it out. That is what the forum is for.”

Oh I know, you are right. Grief is definetely grief. With my ex, he had a severe drug problem. I spent years dealing with it, we split for quite a while. He finally got sober, and was murdered. Some random guys jumped him and beat him to death on our way home from a club. I was a wreck for quite a while. I was in nursing school at the time, ended up taking a semester off. For me, the thought that he could kill himself with his stupidity was always in the back of my mind. Which was what I was more referring to when I said I couldn't imagine your pain. I know how hard that was for me, and that was with the thought in my mind that it could happen.

I know how hard it is to have a plan for your life, to think you have your whole life ahead of you with a person and then have it suddenly ripped away from you. I don't imagine there to be anything worse in the world, with the exception of loosing a child.

Thank you. Writing about it helps me, and having people read it helps me too.

I kinda think that those low life men who have perfectly lovely kids and completely shun them create a worse problem for the mothers than my situation. There is a lot of rejection there. I at least can prove to my girls that they were very much loved and wanted by both mommy and daddy and that they always were cherished. It would be hard for a kid to grow up with a stigma of not being wanted.

This is why I don't believe in comparing grief.