I don't know why I keep doing this...

Each week, on Saturday, I get myself down. Saturdays were the marker for when I started my next week of pregnancy.
Today I should have been 17 weeks.
I'll sit here for hours and just think and think. I know I can't keep up with all these what ifs, but it's hard. I keep asking myself what went wrong, why me, and I get myself down, because I feel like less of a woman. I let my housework and myself go, and that makes me feel even less womanly, and I hardly want DH to touch me. Which isn't good for baby-making.
I told myself a while ago I was over this. But I'm beginning to wonder if I really am?
I'll read the pregnancy calendars and looks at ultrasound pictures, and everything of the sort. I worry myself constantly looking up statistics and wondering if this will happen again with my next pregnancy. At the same time, I get mad at myself for thinking my future pregnancies are doomed, and wonder if I'll be able to keep stress free during the next pregnancy. And of course, there is a part of me that always worries about whether or not there will be a next pregnancy or how easy or hard it will come for me.
I think everyday about the baby that would have been. About how come Easter time, I'd have been a proud new Mom showing my little girl or boy off to family, or nealry there ( I forget when Easter is. :/). I already loved my little one SO much. They were my miracle, I didn't think I'd even get that chance. I just want my miracle. DH and I have so much love to give a little one. And it's just really hard sometimes to understand why our little one never got the chance to make it here. It all still seems very unfair.  
Sometimes I feel like just screaming and crying, but I don't. I bottle it up and keep going. I try to tell DH all this, but he hates talking about the loss, and he hasn't talked about it much since the weekend after it happened.
Today, my band director's wife was at the football game, and she is due (with her first) about 10 -15 days before I was. She was standing there, all cute with her pregnant belly, and letting people feel here baby move, and telling her second trimester stories to all the girls who would awwwww and ooooooh. Of course I did, but all the while I just wanted to cry right there.
Ugh, I just need a break. From myself, mostly, if that makes any sense at all.

I'm sorry mama. I too lost a baby and it was very hard and still is!! She would be one early this October.........
I now have my son.
You will be blessed with another baby.
Some people think I'm silly for this, but I think that stuff is allowed to happen to you to make you a better mother.
That's just my opinion.
The jeleousy you have towards other mother's who has a child who is suppose to be your lost child's age never goes away.........or at least it hasn't for me yet.

Quoting babybb:“ I'm sorry mama. I too lost a baby and it was very hard and still is!! She would be one early this October......... ... [snip!] ... mother's who has a child who is suppose to be your lost child's age never goes away.........or at least it hasn't for me yet.”

Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss as well.
My Grandma keeps telling me the same thing: That I've been put through this, and I'll come out the other side a better mother for my future children.
She too lost her first pregnancy.