I really need some advice ladies...kinda long

Ok so I used to have an account on here but I deleted it after not coming on for so long.
Heres my story...I've been married to my husband for almost a year but weve been togeter 5 years before hand. Weve been through a lot of bullshit, he cheated lied snuck around and hit me twice, i liedmaybe 3 times to himbut never anything else.
So, I got pregnant at 19 and we got married. Neither of us thought we had to but we wanted to make sure our baby had a "real family". Weve always had a really rocky relationship, we always fight and break up a lot, but we always come back to eachother and I really do love him and he really loves me.
Heres the other part of the story.
When I was 13 I had my first boyfriend, whom was and is still the bst person ive ever known. we lost contactn found eachother again, and have been talking a lot. I feel bad, because my husband does not know i been talking to him but he is so jealous he would go INSANE. And I mean insane. Anyways about my ex, him and I have always had such a strong connection and its unlike anything ive ever felt before, and ive always felt this way since i met him in 7th grade. Even when we didnt talk i still thought about him every day and wondered how he was. I used to drive by our old hangouts and see if he was there lol. Well...back to the point..
Weve been talking for a while now and still feel the same for him emotionally...and he says he still does too. (btw we dated for 2 years, i met my husband after we broke up and lost contact.) Well he thing is ladies...that my marriage has been exactly the opposite of what it should...we dont talk, hug kiss play or go anyhere together. We dont even sit near eachother when we watch tv, which is so rare because hes always ALWAYS playing his video games. We dont even say I love you. Im the only one wh takes care of our son, and when i ask him to do something with him so i can eat or shower or whatever he gets mad and leaves. (hes very shovanistic...sp?) So...Idk what Im supposed to do here.
I love my husband...but Im not in love with im. Im in love with my ex. I dont know anything about this kinda thing its never happened before...and i feel so ashamed and i hate myself right now for doing this to my husband and our son but i cannot fight my feelings.
I came on here to ask you guys for advice because I remember this site being very friendly and welcoming, i hope it hasnt changed. please, give me one word of advice or if anyones been through this please, i really need someones opinion or someone to talk to.
i feel like im going to live my life the wrong way if i dont do the right thing. Help

Hunny i would go with your gut! If you feel like god is calling you to this other man then do it!

Leave your husband. Not necessarily to be with your ex but why would you want to be married to an abusive man you're not in love with. You'll be better off w/o him. You know you're not going to be with him for the rest of your life so why put off something that's inevitable.

I know...but I'm so scared to leave him its driving me crazy! My gut does tell me that I should be with someone who treats me like a real person and that is my ex...he has always been amazing to me. But I dont have a job, my family would be so ashamed of me and family is a huge thing for me and id rather die thanlet them down. But i feel so lost and i just wanna cry all the time. I try to tell my husband that Im not happy but he always turns it on himself and makes everything about him and why hes not happy. My ex told me that hed love for me and my son to live it him, but....idk im sorry if im being whiney.

I knoweverybody doesnt wanna hear about my problems but im begging you please give me some advice or something....ive had the same dream for almost a month now every night. In my dream Im trying to help my friend find this person that shes in love with, and im running up and down this spiral stair outside a building and i think i see my friends love, so i run up and tap him on the shoulder and he turns around and its my ex. and hes playing his guitar, and he smiles at me and says "I knew youd always find me" then I wake up.

Idk what to do i feel so alone

Anyone have any advice today?

Sounds like you already know what you want. You have to live for yourself, not your family.

Quoting Teresa&Ayden:“ Sounds like you already know what you want. You have to live for yourself, not your family.”

I agree. You know what you want. If your husband is like this now, you can't just wait around for him to change. If you honestly believe that being with your ex will be the right path for you, then you won't be letting your child down by providing him with a better life.

I think you should talk to someone your close to in your family and tell them whats been going on in your marriage. But keep in mind YOU should not be with someone who doesn't make you happy. You only live once you want to spend that time second guessing yourself. I don't know how young your son is but he can scene how you feel if your not happy hes going to know and could end up like his dad and not respecting you or women. I think you know what you need to do first talk to a lawyer. Make sure there's someone there when you tell your husband you want a divorce for your safety.