Forums > Suffering & LossPage 1 2 3by: Ashley ♥ Gunner

Happy First Birthday Gunner (and some thoughts from a grievi

posted 22nd Oct

Today is Gunner's first birthday. I handled it so much better than I thought I would. I had the support of some truly great people and that helped me a lot. A good friend pointed out that the way I handled it this first year would set the standard for how I would handle it for the rest of my life. So I could either make something positive of it, or make poor decisions. It was some of the best advice I've ever recieved. I wrote this yesterday but didn't have time to post it. Oh and of course, Happy First Birthday my sweet angel. You are loved beyond words and missed beyond measure. I wish I could have hugged you and kissed you and held your hand today. Someday I will make up for all this lost time.

It’s amazing how quickly time passes, how the course of one year can change someone’s entire life. Two years ago today, I was in my mom’s basement taking pictures of myself and anticipating my upcoming trip to California to see the love of my life (at that time) who was on his way home from Iraq. I was 21, technically single, and free as could be. I had no idea that exactly one year later (a year from today) I would be 22, married, 26 weeks pregnant and in preterm labor. I had no idea that 2 years from that day I would be sitting in this living room, halfway through cosmetology school, going through a divorce and preparing to both celebrate and mourn the first birthday of a child who left my arms for Heaven after only 22 days. It’s so unreal to me that a year ago I was in pre-term labor and had no idea. I had no warning that less than 24 hours later I would meet Gunner Isaiah face to face, 3 months early.1 lbs 13 oz, feet first and screaming. The past year has been both a dream and a nightmare. I have faced my greatest fears and immense adversity and had some of the most beautiful experiences of my life. I have cried and laughed. I’ve been angry beyond words and very much at peace. I’ve spent the past year of my life trying to make the best out of the crappiest hand life could have dealt me. Every woman’s worst nightmare. Looking back on all of it, no matter how much I didn’t want to hear it at the time, it DID make me a stronger woman. I am more aware of what I do and do not want out of life. I am less afraid than I’ve ever been. Not to say that I am not sometimes conflicted, but I have a sense of self that was never present in my life before. I have had a great deal of support from some wonderful people and I could not have done this without them. What I initially thought a year ago I could never live through, I have survived with grace and dignity, or so I’ve been told. The pain has slowly eased back, although it is still with me. I have accepted that it will be in my heart until the day I join Gunner in Heaven, but it is a burden I am willing to bear for the sweet memories of the 22 best days of my life. To anyone at the beginning of the grieving journey, as much as you don’t want to hear it (I was there, I know how it feels) it will get better with time, and you can and will survive this. And to anyone who has taken the time to read this, I know it’s cliché’, but don’t take a moment for granted. A year or even a heartbeat can change everything you know. Live life to the fullest and enjoy the people, places and things that you love. Take the memories with you, leave the bitterness behind.
　
Gunner, Mommy loves you more than words could ever say. You saved my life. I’ll see you again someday.

Happy First Birthday Gunner (and some thoughts from a grievi

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