re: Wanna know a secret?
posted 24th Apr '12
Call me 44 in replies, should you do so.
I've posted here before, about a year ago.. or close to it.. about wanting a divorce and feeling left driven my wit's end. I listed the horrible history we have from when we were dating, the smurf events that took place while we were engaged, maybe even some thing that occurred that eroded further belief in 'us' while married. Anyways, we've known each other for 6 years, been married for 4 this year. We have a 20 month old (wow!) and I'm 18 weeks pregnant.
I have told him over and over and over I want out of the relationship; to put me, my child, our things, and my cat on a plane and send me home. I'm over feeling isolated. The resentment I harbor makes me tired, and it won't go away no matter how much I try to release it. I love him these days in the way that I sleep next to him and will share my chocolate with him. Basically, we now seem to co-exist as separate entities. There is no real intimate connection anymore., we just go through the motions. We had a severe break down of communication after our recent move here, and I smurf you not when I say it was nothing but silence and tension. I finally imploded under the strain and told him, "I can't do this any more. I want a divorce, I want to go home. I'm done being ignored." We fought, I cried, he left the house. Two hours later he comes home with flowers, tells me how sorry he is, lavishes me with affection. A bandaid to an already crumbled foundation. Life went on with a new paint coating.
My feelings haven't changed, I want out still. I can't stand to wear my wedding ring, it's too loose anyways. As bad as this is, I only wear it in public or around him when he's home. Otherwise it stays off now. I have the strongest belief that he has written me off as hormonal and pregnant, thereby crazy. These feelings have existed for a long time, and we shouldn't have even gotten married.
The reason I haven't left yet? I have no money saved to my name, I have no education, no work experience, have been living overseas for the past 4 years and feel terrible with the knowledge that I wound be a burden on my mom upon moving back in long enough to get on my feet. She has told me though to not worry about it.
The good news? I'm taking advantage of my military spouse status and taking advantage of all the scholarships available to me to get vocational training, so that I can secure a decent paying job to help support me and my children. I'll finish the course by July, get certified soon after, have the baby in September, get all of its paperwork and passports, then load up and go. So, we're looking at.. January 2013?
I have a goddamn plan. I try to think of this when I start feeling like I'm stuck for ever. I'm going to get out, and smurf, I'm going to flourish and be happy.
posted 24th Apr '12
44 - you're a smart girl. That's what it takes, a plan. Keep slowly moving toward your goals and make sure you're doing everything you can. It'll make YOU happier even if your marriage gets worse or stays the same. Divorces aren't overnight to begin with once you have kids, and especially not with you being pregnant. So just keep chipping away and before you know it, you will be on the far side looking back. Just keep your eye on the prize.quote
posted 1st May '12
i feel like a bad mother and sometimes beleive i dont deserve my children. I make sure they have everything the need/want, but sometimes i just get so overwhelmed. I put them in their room to watch tv, just so i dont have to deal with them. And then later feel guilty for not spending enough time with them. I know as a parent im supposed to enjoy every minute with my babies, but i literally get NO break from them. i love them with all my heart, but sometimes i just want to be left alone and i feel horrible for it. quote