Forums > Suffering & LossPage 1 2by: SweetBabyZ

A letter to my daughter on our due date

posted 6th Sep '09

As many of you know, my husband and I had a stillborn baby girl in May of this year. Yesterday was my due date, so I wrote her a letter I'd like to share. It is my hope that others who are going through a similar experience can see themselves in my letter, and know that they are not alone, and that I undrstand the ups and downs of a parent who has given birth to a child as millions of other women do every day, yet mine did not come home with me...and I am a mother, yet not yet a mother by many people's standards..I get a lot of comments, oh just wait till you're a parent, or you're not a parent, you wouldnt understand...when people talk about child rearing..and it hurts..because I am a mom, and I feel like my birth experience not only puts people off ( makes them uncomfortable because they do't know what to say) but it has all but been ignored and swept under the rug.

Unless you've gone through miscarriage or stillborth or the losss of a newborn, you don't understand the process afterwards, the grieving, the acceptance, the body changes..the emptiness...

SO, I was having trouble yesterday accepting that my circumstances didnt turn out the way I wanted, and I wrote Denise a letter...

Here it goes...

Dear DZ,

Since the day I found out that your dad and I were expecting you, I had been looking forward to this day...September 5th, 2009. I know a due date is just something to use as a marker, to put on a calendar...and I had actually heard quite a few jokes that I may be in labor on Labor day..which to be honest, wouldn't surprise me. I was so excited to meet you and hoped the months would fly by so we could see your sweet little face.

I should have known that since you're my child, you'd do things your way. I should have known that you'd be on your own schedule..a girl like me..coming too early. You know, I surprised your grandma by arriving in the middle of the night, 3 weeks early, with no chance ofher getting to the hospital? Well, baby girl, you beat me by a mile... I never expectd to meet you 3 months early. Your dad and I never even had the chance to prepare for your arrival. We hadn't taken any classes on labor and delivery and hadn't set up your nursery yet, although I did buy you some super cute PBkids bedding. I think you'd really like it.

We were shocked to learn that we would be meeting you so soon. You must have known that your mom is a worrywort, and surprising me and giving us no time to think kept my worry to a minimum. Maybe you were looking out for your dad---saving his money before I went crazy spending all his money on you. We were both excited to have a little girl..but between you and me, I knew all along.

You and I got a chance to get to know each other quite well, and I know that you know, I would have given my life to be able to save you. Although the medical staff assured your dad and I that this stuff happens from time to time, I still feel tremendous guilt that I didn't clue into your distress sooner. I should have known that those weren't kicks, that they were indeed contractions at 23 weeks. I brushed them off as something that is just a part of pregnancy, and since I was overjoyed to be carrying you, I was not going to complain. I had no idea your cord had kinked and that you were fighting for your life.

As I drove to the OB's office on May 18th, I was going in for reassurance. I hadn't felt you move much over the weekend, and I needed to know that I was just being silly. I whispered to you what I always did on our way in the office, " Fight baby girl, fight", and I let you know I was fighting for you too. I had an anxiety when it came to my check-up appointments, because I lost your sibling a year earlier. Little did I know you had been fighting, and couldn't fight any longer. I had talked to your dad on my way to the OB office, and told him that he didn't need to join us, as I was just being crazy...I'd call him with the good news that "mom's just crazy" later...

So, Dr. B came in and everything checked out fine. He knew that I wouldn't relax until we heard your heartbeat, so he pulled out my favorite OB tool, the Doppler ( BTW- your dad almost bought one for me so I wouldn't bug the Doc so often for doppler checks!..bet you woulda loved that haha). We sat and joked about how onry you were being, hiding from the doppler. It wasn't like you to be so difficult. One minute turned to two, two to three, then three to five..Still unphased by it all ( we had heard your heartbeat just one week earlier) Dr. B took me in for a sneak peak at you in the Ultrasound room. Walking in there, I felt bad. I felt bad that your dad was going to miss a sneak peak at you. He really like seeing you doing your gymnastics routine up on the screen. It was a way for him to share in our bond. I was hoping Dr. B would give me a picture as a consolation prize to take to your dad for missing out.

But what Dr. B brought up on the screen was a little. lifeless. you. So perfectly still. The world stopped. Dr. B didn't need to say a word. I knew.

He hugged me and said " I am so sorry. I haven't lost one this far along in YEARS." He instructed me to call your dad and have him meet me at the hospital. We were going to meet you that very day.

I don't remember much of the next few hours. Poked, prodded, ultrasounded and induced. I was in shock. Your dad was in shock. We had no bags packed, no birth plans. Nothing but each other and a couple of very nice nurses. And guess what baby girl, we did it. Your dad helped me through it, and we had you. Together. That dad of yours is amazing. Pretty much the awesomest dad alive. Just so you know.

You were tiny, tinier than I had imagined. Even though the nurses warned me that you may not look how I had envisoned. The sight of you scared me, initially. I had never seen something so small, yet so perfect. We counted your ten little toes, and you had ten little fingers with the fingernails that I had dreamed of one day painting ...You woulda given your dad a run for his money in 15 years as the boys came chasing you..If only you could have kept growing, maybe we'd meet under different circumstances.

I held you until your warm little body went cold. Being the scrapbooker that I am, I asked your dad to take a few pictures of you for me ( don't worry, you looked beautiful in all of them...) These pictures are for me to remember you, and the day we met, even if it was only briefly. I don't want to forget you, and having your pictures in an album has helped me cope with losing you. I hope to one day be able to tell your younger brothers and sisters about you. I want them to know that you existed, and that I love you. Even more so, I am hoping that if there is a Heaven, that you have already met your older sibling ( lost a year before you) up there, and that you two are playing nicely together.

You're not only missed by me, but by your family. Many people were excited for us. They know how long we've been wanting to have a baby, and shared in our anticipation of your arrival. Your aunt Stephanie made grandma Sandy the most beautiful sunflower rock for her garden, cause grandma wanted to remember you even though you never officially met. She did feel your kicks a time or two (= Friends of mine even planted flowers in their gardens in your memory. I think there are Zinnia's growing and if I remember right, a blueberry tree too.

I know I can't change what has happened, and if I could we'd be meeting today, with family and friends around to share the joy, but instead I write this letter to let you know that you are loved and were very much wanted.

See you again someday, and be good up there!

Love,
Mom

A letter to my daughter on our due date

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