My whole world just came crashing down....

My heart is broken and I feel like I’m dying… I’m trying to put on a strong face for Lydia.. Last night I posted that we had many different doctors come in, one was an oncologist, Lydia’s liver specialist, and a few others… Nobody told me anything but they prepared me for it all. Last night at 10:30pm the nurse came in and asked me to follow her. I was put in a little room and sat there and patiently waited for whoever was arriving. A knock on the door and in walked the oncologist, my heart broke… I knew immediately that whatever was going on with my sweet, precious, Lydia was not good. He introduced himself and told me all that they had found. Lydia had enlarged Lymph nodes, loss of appetite (I had noticed a while ago that she was not eating like she us to) and losing or not gaining weight properly. Which she doesn’t… He proceeded to tell me that Lydia’s white blood cell count, hemoglobin, hematocrit, platelets, and her Europhiles are all abnormal, which indicates an autoimmune disease. I finally looked at him after he went through what all of those things are, I said to him, “Just get to the point please..” He looked at me and he said, “I’m so sorry Mrs. Larson your daughter has Hodgkin’s Lymphoma…” I just sat there and looked at him like this was some kind of joke.. I kept looking over wishing Jack was there… I was alone and I felt like my whole world just fell apart and I had to deal with it on my own.. He continued to explain what exactly happens with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, how it can be caused by her Alpha-1 or some sort of other infection… I looked at him and said, “Why my daughter? Why after everything we have been through…” I burst into tears.. Dr. Swanson got up patted me on the back and said we can talk in the morning more.. I sat there and I couldn’t move, I couldn’t even say goodbye.. I just sat there and wondered if I did something to cause all of this.. I wondered if I was ever meant to have children or if I should have just sucked it up and skipped having them so my little Lydia wouldn’t have to go through all of this.. I finally got the strength to call Jack.. His phone was off… I left messages, I called his parents house… I never did talk to him… It’s now a new day and I still have yet to talk to him.. I can’t believe he is making me face this all alone.. I just keep thinking about everything little Lydia is going to have to go through.. The chemo, the radiation… The constant pokes of needles.. Her body slowly destroying itself.. I’m waiting for Dr. Swanson to come in today, the nurses said he has appointments all morning.. I just wish he would get here and tell me everything was going to be okay.. That we had a fighting chance.. That my beautiful 6 month old baby was going to be okay…. I need reassurance because I have no faith at this point..
I’m sitting here wishing we would have never tried for another baby… My focus should be on Lydia right now, not Lydia and the twins… My mind is going in circles… I keep wondering if there were earlier signs, had I missed something? I keep thinking back to a few weeks ago when she was put in the hospital with a blood infection, how could we miss this.. They mentioned her lymph nodes were enlarged but they thought it was from being sick.. Her blood levels were slightly elevated to but yet again we blew it off thinking it was her sickness.. Why didn’t I do anything more for her? Why didn’t I push for more blood tests? What kind of mother just lets her child lay there in pain and not even realize anything is going on with her baby? Our life is flipped upside again… I want to say that I’m going to be strong… But I can’t be… I’m sitting here next to Lydia’s room wondering why I’m not over there, with her…. But I sit there and I look at her and I burst into tears.. I don’t want to touch her, I don’t want to make noise.. She looks sickly and so little in that big bed.. I need to go home and get some of her things.. They told me that we were in for the long haul here… I need to get Lydia’s lovey… She’ll want it when she gets some strength up… Her little arm is so black and blue from the IV.. It breaks my heart.. She is hooked up to tons of machines, and to be honest I don’t know what half of them are for… The nurses keep telling me to go home for a couple hours and to get some rest but I can’t leave her here alone.. It would be different if Jack were here… But where is Jack? Running from our problems again? He has no idea what’s going on yet… I just keep leaving messages saying call me I need you… I’m falling apart….

I am so sorry love. You are so strong, and so is Lydia. You will both come through this with flying colors and be very proud that you did. I promise. I will be praying for you all daily.

Oh God, I am so sorry Mama!!!! You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers!!!!!

I'm so sorry. I wish I could help in some way.

Just know that there are people here if you need us.

oh my god i am so sorry i am in tears and my heart is breaking for you, i will pray for her every night

Oh sweet heart, I'm so sorry...You are all in my prayers.

OMG hunny I am so so very sorry, I am crying for you right now, none of this is your fault, Keep strong she needs her mommy xxxx

That just breaks my heart for you and Lydia. PM me if you ever need to talk.  

Quoting Bridget&Lydia [GDS]:“ My heart is broken and I feel like I’m dying… I’m trying to put on a strong face for Lydia.. Last night ... [snip!] ... problems again? He has no idea what’s going on yet… I just keep leaving messages saying call me I need you… I’m falling apart….”

Oh no. I am so sorry. I can't even imagine what you are going through right now. I know there are no words to say to make things better or easier, just know we are all here for you prayign for you and little Lydia.

i dont think there's anythingi can do or say to make anything better, but know that im praing for your daughter.

You and your daughter are in my prayers. Stay strong momma!

I'm so sorry   Your daughter is in my prayers

Oh mama, I'm so sorry!!!! I'm bawling right now. I hope your beautiful daughter gets better with treatment and I'm so sorry that you are having to face this alone because your SO (I'm assuming, sorry if I'm wrong) won't return your calls.

Im so sorry , I will be praying for Lydia. and for you .

Oh hun my heart goes out to you. You made me cry. I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.