When birth bonding goes wrong **support**

I decided to tell my story becuse i think its important for people to understand bonding is not always instant with your LO.


I would like a place for new moms to be able to share difficulties bonding, or difficulties adjusting to being a mom. Not necessarily ppd, but not love at first sight.



Please share your stories, chat about them, give bonding advice. Help each other out

my story :





I was so excited when i got pregnant, i just sat there with a silly look on my face looking at the test change. My pregnancy was not planned, far from it. I had just started dating SO and was on birth control. But i had always wanted a baby, i would have dreams all he time i had a baby and be so sad to wake up and find it was a dream. I was one of those girls that ha always dreamed of being a mother. I have an intense love for all children, and feel connected to them. I was happy i was becoming a mother finally.I got severely depressed my first trimester but was feeling better by my second. It was neat when i started feeling the baby move and when found out it was a girl i was thrilled. I didn't have a deep connection with my little fetus lol, it just wasn't logical. I didn't feel like it was a baby in there anyways. I liked feeling the movements but at the same time it annoyed me sometimes, like when she had the hiccups i didnt think it was so cute.

I would obsess about what it was going to be like to see her and hold her for the first time. I was for sure going to be breastfeeding and would picture putting her to my breast and her latching on right away and feeling something amazing. Thinking about how hard it was going to be to let other people hold her, because i wanted her all to myself. I wanted a natural childbirth, i wanted her to be placed on my chest as soon as she came out. I wanted her to room in.

I had the perfect picture of how this would change my life, improve my life.

i was wrong

I went 16 days overdue, she was huge i could feel her from my cervix to my stomach. Her little butt resided in my ribs and cracked one of them. 37 weeks came along then 38, 39, 40, 41, 42. I had constant contractions from 38 weeks to 40 weeks. But was having zero progression. So it came time to be induced, i was disappointed but excited because i was FINALLY going to meet my LO. My induction was scheduled for new years eve they asked me if i was sure i wanted to schedule it for then... YES i did i wanted her out, i wanted to meet her, i would have had a shitty new years anyways considering she was supposed to be a tax baby due on December 20th. So we drove to the hospital. I was having tons of contractions when i got there. Its kinda fuzzy but there was a lot of medicines, and pain involved... 40 hours and no dilation later i was sent home empty handed, to rest for a few days. I cried the WHOLE way home. I layed in bed and bawled when i got home i cried myself to sleep. I took some ambien and slept for forever. When i woke up i was kinda numb. I ate watched movies and waited for my next induction date. By the time that rolled around i didnt want to go back to that place. not in a million years. But i had to....

I got back and some more cervidil more pitocin more pain... about 10 hours into the second induction i was 3cm!! They broke my water (there was meconium but they didnt tell me) I was having violent contractions, i wa in so much pain i was delirious, the only logical solution in my head to make the pain go away was to kill myself i thought..So the nurse called and i got an epi... i felt like a failure. I kept thinking how would i explain to people, that i couldnt go natural. 20 more hours passed and i was FINALLY at 9cm. We were going to probally push in 3 hours we were going to let her move down on her own. THERE WAS AN END IN SIGHT!!! I was sitting there and all the sudden there was no heartbeat, at first i thought i moved and it wasn't picking it up then i remembered she was being monitored internally. I was sitting there in shock and then all the sudden really slowly thump... thump... thump I called the nurse but everyone was already RUNNING to my room.They were tapping he head shaking my tummy doing everything they could to get it to come back up again. C section it was

I got rolled into the er, given meds and they started. I was terrified. When they pulled her out they were surprised how big she was. They suctioned her and suctioned her and suctioned her... tons of brown stuff came out. They showed her to me and i was pretty amazed. Then they took her, i went into recovery and back to my room. 4 hours later i got to hold my baby. It was kinda anti-climatic, she was 10lbs 2oz and FAT.It didnt feel how i thought it would feel to hold her. I figured i better try to breastfeed. But she wasnt having anything to do with it. Well she started turning purple and they took her to the nicu. And they told me she would be there for at least 48 hours. She needed to be put on antibiotics and oxygen. I cried and cried and cried.

Like 4 hours later i was allowed to get out o bed early to see her, it was excruciatingly painful   I got wheeled into the nicu and i was allowed to hold her. She didnt seem cute to me she was really fat and she had tubes and needles stuck in her. I didnt feel much holding her. For sure she was going to eat now though. I tried and she screamed and fought again at the breast. The net few days were a blur i pumped and pumped. I tried to feed her and she screamed she didnt want anything to do with me. She didnt care if i was holding her, she was just as happy by herself. I didnt want to pump or go see her, i wanted to sleep. I wanted to feel better. This was NOT how it was supposed to be. Wasn't i supposed to love her? So i did what i did best i faked it, i faked it to my family, i faked it to my friends, and i faked it to her.

We finally got to go home, i had nightmare after nightmare that i was pregnant again i would wake up bawling. Breastfeeding was going horrible she would scream and i would cry. I pumped and felt like a failure. I didnt want to do this anymore. I didnt care who held her i would go and sleep. We had such a tough time and i couldnt even share it with my friends. I didnt hate her but i didn't love her either. I didnt have ppd i was fine, a little hormonal, so what was wrong. I had heard of people hating their children, but not people who were indifferent. It made me sad.

I loved pictures of her <3 i would rather look at pictures of her and be online sending them to friends and family then spending time with the real thing

Eventually when i finally got her to latch and we spent more and more time together we grew a strong bond. But it was work throuh co-sleeping, breastfeeding, co-bathing, and baby wearing i started to love her. We were attached. I have a deep connection to her now. She still wont cuddle with me and is a high needs baby and is in no ways easy. It makes me sad sometimes but i am confident one day she will want to and things will be easier.




some words of advice to new moms:
Sometimes it takes work, it is not always a fairytale. Its not abnormal or anything to be ashamed about. Just keep it up  

sorry that was long

Thank you for your story, I read all of it.

And though I go to hold my daughter 16 hours after birth due to complication, we were lucky enough to connect right away, breastfeeding however, was another story, a struggle for the both of us which ended at 6 months, I felt like a complete failure about it but I guess I got over it over time.

But like I said, your story was a great read, thank you for sharing it.

I never got to hold either of my girls right after birth and I think that takes away that 1st bonding experience. It does take a lil while to get to know your lil one even though he/she has been apart of your life for most cases 9 months it is alos like meeting someone new for the 1st time. I love my kids to death and would do anything for them but I also feel it takes some time to FULLY love your child and understand that you could not live w/o them.

I <3 you

our stories are similar.. i still cannot get her to latch on and every way you said you felt like a failure so did i. i still do with the breast feeding as well as not pumping as much as i think i should be getting out. but thank you for sharing your story. it made me feel alot better knowing i was not the only one going thru it. so thank you very much

we have an AMAZING conection now

but it really took time

This made me cry.

Quoting Kaylee Rose's mommy:“ our stories are similar.. i still cannot get her to latch on and every way you said you felt like a failure ... [snip!] ... you for sharing your story. it made me feel alot better knowing i was not the only one going thru it. so thank you very much”

yw

if you want some tips i got them  

i finally got her to latch but it wasnt with any LC method, i tricked my daughter lol

it took two weeks and EVERY time untill the time she latched it felt like she never would

Your story really touched my heart! I'm glad that your bond between you and your daughter is strong.

Quoting tantriclemons.bamf.bbc:“ yw if you want some tips i got them   i finally got her to latch but it wasnt with any LC method, ... [snip!] ... LC method, i tricked my daughter lol it took two weeks and EVERY time untill the time she latched it felt like she never would”

wow wut a great story u are strong mama =].... i was the last one too see my son... it does take away from that first hold/first bond thing when u have a c-section

Quoting N.Lo:“ This made me cry.”

it made me cry to remember it

and to share it


but it needed to be done

My story isn't anything like your Rochelle...but I also had trouble bonding with my baby boy. My birth story is in my profile. I tell people it's not sugar coated, it is already pretty blunt. Truth is, that story can't begin to tell you how painful his birth was. I also wanted to kill myself at one point. Difference is, I was at a birth center. No drugs for me, even though I was begging for them. When he was finally born, after 2 hours of pushing, I was holding/rubbing/talking to him. But I don't remember it. I wasn't excited to see him at all. I was so traumatized by the pain that I didn't even care he was born until a few hours later and didn't bond until a few days later. I hate telling my story because I am still a natural birth advocate.
I know that my labor was probably so painful because a) He had a nuchal arm (arm by his face) b) He was huge (10 lbs 6.5 oz) c) I had my water broken, so there was no cushion between his head and my cervix d) My labor went so fast (4 hours start to finish). I went from nothing to full blown labor in a minute, so my body didn't have time to get used to the slow progression of labor.

All of that rationalization doesn't change the trauma though. Or the guilt of not loving my child at first sight.

Ahhh Rochelle, we are so alike in many ways, always have been.
With Alex:
I was in shock when I first found out I was pregnant. We were not TTC, but were were not trying to prevent well either, regardless, I was still in shock. I was told at 17 I would never have kids.
During my pregnancy I was thrilled, eventhough his dad was giving me so much drama. I had so many issues with the pregnancy and I almost lost him a few times, so I felt like I was holding my breath till the end. The day I had him, I was in shock. I didn't even look happy in my pics. I honestly thought he looked like ET, lol. I still couldn't believe he was my baby. I didn't even cry or feel connected. They kept him in the nursey for like 2 or 3 hours cause he had not been breathing well and had a very pronounced heart murmur. Evert brought me a polaroid of him cause they were saying they were thinking of taking him to the NICU. For some reason, once I saw that polaroid, I fell in love with him. I wanted him in my room with me right then. I started getting angry cause they would no tlet me see him. Once they finally brought him to me, I started to cry. He felt like mine and I realized he looked like me. And then it was all over, I loved him with every inch of myself.

With Angelina, I was thrilled to be pregnant again, but scared to get attached to her or name her or anything cause I was afraid I was going to lose her to like I had the last two. When I had her, I got to see her for a split second before they rushed her off to the NICU and started my second surgery. I wanted to go see her so badly, but they told me since I had a spinal, I could not get up for 24 hours. Those were the longest 24 hours of my life. When I did get to see her laying there in the tiny plastic box, I broke down crying. I loved her so much and I could not even hold her. I could barely touch her. I was so afraid that because of all the time she was going to have to spend in the NICU, we would not ever bond. Every chance I had, I was there with her. During Kangaroo care, I would hold her and she would put her little head under my chin and fall asleep. I had moments where I felt like she was not even mine. I mean I had to ask if I could hold and touch and change my child. It was one of the worst experiences I had even gone through. Sfter six weeks, she came home. Somehow, we became so bonded. We have an amazing bond. She is so attached to me. She cries when I walk out of the room. There is no describing it. She still falls asleep, skin to skin, with her head under my chin.