Make a pregnant person laugh. Post your joke here
4537 postsposted 7th Oct
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started.
=======================================================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
in
about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started.
=====================================================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
=====================================================================
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to
go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the
Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
===============================================================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took
to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't
been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
============================================================
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the
road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how
sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM
NOT
HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are
you?'
And then the fight started...
quotechannels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started.
=======================================================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
in
about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started.
=====================================================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
=====================================================================
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to
go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the
Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
===============================================================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took
to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't
been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
============================================================
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the
road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how
sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM
NOT
HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are
you?'
And then the fight started...
I'm due December 24th (a boy), have 1 child & live in Blacksburg, Virginia
1535 posts
3204 postsposted 7th Oct
funny
sorry i dont have any jokes but you made me laugh
quotesorry i dont have any jokes but you made me laugh
I have 4 kids & live in Bronx, New York
5680 posts
571 postsposted 7th Oct
lololololololol
quoteI'm due December 31st (a boy), have 2 kids & live in Flint, Michigan
7619 postsposted 7th Oct
lmao . .. i really enjoyed those !
quoteI'm due February 27th (a boy), have 1 child & live in Ontario
posted 7th Oct
Quoting Made In Italy♥:“ lmao . .. i really enjoyed those !”
off topic but i looked at our avi reall quick i thought it was reese witherspoon...
compliment by the way
I have 4 kids & live in Bronx, New York
684 postsposted 7th Oct
Wow, that was funny, me and my bf are in tears
quoteI have 1 child & live in United Kingdom
360 postsposted 7th Oct
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!'
quoteThe house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!'
I have 1 child & live in Illinois
1173 postsposted 7th Oct
lmao those are great! Keep em coming!
quoteI'm due November 24th (a boy) & live in Davis, California
134 postsposted 7th Oct
lmaol that was halarious
quoteI'm due January 21st, have 2 angel babies & live in New York
100 postsposted 7th Oct
this is old you might have heard it but here it gose
This lady was pregnant with triplets 2 girls and a boy well she got shot in the stomach 3 times the doctor said every thing was ok well about 13 years later one of the gurls said mommy mommy i pee'd out a bullet so she took her to the doctors and she was fine then the other gurl said mommy mommy i pee'd out a bullet she took her to the doctors every thing was ok then the son said mommy mommy she said let me guss you pee'd out a bullet he said no i was jacking off and shot the dog
quoteThis lady was pregnant with triplets 2 girls and a boy well she got shot in the stomach 3 times the doctor said every thing was ok well about 13 years later one of the gurls said mommy mommy i pee'd out a bullet so she took her to the doctors and she was fine then the other gurl said mommy mommy i pee'd out a bullet she took her to the doctors every thing was ok then the son said mommy mommy she said let me guss you pee'd out a bullet he said no i was jacking off and shot the dog
I'm due with twins January 12th & live in Port Huron, Michigan
posted 7th Oct
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
'Magic Beer,' he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, 'That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?'
'Yes, I'll show you.'
He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: 'I bet you can't do that again.'
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, 'Give her one of what I'm having.'
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, 'You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk.'
quote'Magic Beer,' he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, 'That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?'
'Yes, I'll show you.'
He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: 'I bet you can't do that again.'
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, 'Give her one of what I'm having.'
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, 'You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk.'
I have 1 child & live in Illinois
posted 7th Oct
Quoting AZIA the lesbian =):“ off topic but i looked at our avi reall quick i thought it was reese witherspoon... compliment by the way”
thanks sweetie =)
I'm due February 27th (a boy), have 1 child & live in Ontario
posted 7th Oct
Quoting Hailey's Mamusia:“ Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so ... [snip!] ... Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!'”
lmao
I'm due December 24th (a boy), have 1 child & live in Blacksburg, Virginia
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