I don't even know where to post this, it's multi-demensional

Chris and I are fighting! Why, you ask? His oldest child, again! She's 10. Out of our 5 children we have them ranked as to who is the best and worst behaved. She and my 3 y/o son are tied at #1 for worst behavior ever!Our children together are 7, 5, 3, and 4 months. Leah, my SD is one to argue and fight about everything you tell her to do and then after all of it, she does what she wants anyway. Rules do not apply to her.Trinity,7, is very tenderhearted and compassionate. You tell her once and she's good. She understands that my word is law in our house. Raeghan 5, just ignores what she's told. If she really wants to do something, no matter what we say she will try to do it. Unless it breaks the rules, then she's less apt to do it.(we have a list of rules writtenand posted on the fridge)Christopher is at the age where he is just now understanding consequences of his actions and he's really calming down. So here's the thing. Leah smarted off to me, well actually almost every time she speaks to me she's smarting off. She knew she was going to mom's house and her whole attitude changed, just like it always does when her mom decides to show up. So back to last night. I told her that her chores had to be done before she left. Her chore is to pick up the living room and hallway so that they can be vaccumed. It's not something that's difficult or hard. She just doesn't want to do it. So she says, "um no. If Trinity doesn't have to do chores, then neither do I." Trinity is on crutches with a whole in her foot all doped up on pain meds and full of infection. No she's not doing her chores this week. I am picking up the kitchen floor for her. I didn't ask Leah to do extra chores, just what is expected of her every evening. At first I couldn't even say anything, I was so shocked. Then as I'm picking up toys and a string of clothes just discarded by my children I start to get pissed. How dare she tell ME no! She was on her ass watching cartoons with her dad in my bedroom. My 5 and 3 year old are doing their chores.(Christopher's is feeding and watering the dog and Raeghan's is to set the table for dinner.) I went into my bedroom and blew up. I started yelling at them both. WHO THE HELL DO THE TWO OF YOU THINK YOU ARE? HOW IS IT THAT YOU ARE BOTH TOO GOOD TO HELP AROUND THIS HOUSE!? I AM THE MOM NOT THE F-ING MAID! There's a lot more but that was the jist of it. My husband was slightly shocked at the outburst as he knew nothing ofthe smart ass comment. He just stared at me, kinda like he was confusedreally, and looking at me like I was crazy. So I explained it to him. Do you know what he said!? He had the audacity to tell me that if Trinity wasn't doing chores, the other kids probably shouldn't either. BULLSHIT!! So I start screaming again. He says I'm not being fair. Is it fair that Trinity's foot is cut wide ass open from a terrible infection? Is that fair? So we're fighting over what he calls MY double standard. My baby is sick, she cannot walk around without crutches,I WILL NOT have her doing anything, except getting better. Leah on the other hand suffers from a disease my dad once claimed was a real disease, Lazyitis. Am I wrong? Oh and then he goes on to say that I can't threaten her weakend at her mom's if her chores aren't done. I didn't threaten her weakend, I simply said she's not leaving until it's done. I meant it too. I don't care if her mom had to sit on my couch waiting on her ass all night long, she was doing it. Chris did it for her. The whole time she's sitting inMY bed, watchingMY TV, eating MY Dove chocolates. I'm still pissed off about it. How dare he not back me up on this. When Trinity smarts off to me, he's the first to swat her butt, same for Raeghan. But Leah "needs to be treated different, she's a divorced kid" The only thing that's different for her is that at Christmas she gets more presents from her mom's family. I take her to school when I take the others. She eats the same meals as the others. She spends more 1on1time with her dad than he allows the others. I mean her life isn't different at all, except her "real mom" doesn't live with her. Other than that she has a stable, 2 parent home, same as the other kids.Treated different my ass.
Thanks for letting me vent ladies. I'm just soooooo mad right still.

sounds like she needs an ass beating... lol. sorry your situationg sucks ass.. coz i know u cant really do that... but still. what a fucking brat.

Sounds like she needs a nice swift kick on the butt. Have you tried talking to her mom about disrespecting you?? Maybe that would help.

I agree with you in all the principles that you are talking about but I think you set yourself up to be alone on it. If the first time your hubby even hears about her not doing her chores is while you are yelling at them both then that is going to make him defensive. Secondly he hears about while you are yelling at him in front of his daughter so now he has a choice; he can cave to you and look like pussy to his daughter (which is a bigger deal for a man than a woman) or he can stand up to you so that he retains some dignity. I would suggest that even if you are rip snortin mad and have a valid point (as you defenitely do!) then calmly ask him for a min of him time and that it is important and urgent, go somewhere private and get on the same page before you show your united front to your children. Part of the reason your oldest sees no reason to cooperated is because she can divide and conquer the two of you.

What does her mom think about all this?

I was a "divorce child" and I sure as hell was treated the exact same as my sisters and brother. He needs to get his head out of his ass, and realize that he's making the situation worse by giving into his daughter. Just because she's a child with parents who are divorced doesn't mean that she gets the royal treatment, and the other children aren't treated the same.

What are her mothers & yours view on punishment? For example, my step mother wasn't afraid to whip my ass when I was being a brat.

i know this may sound childish, but just to show her that she needs to get it together u should start treating ur other children to things and leave her little ass out. she won't like feeling left out and maybe she'll start acting right!

Quoting LoveAndSerenity:“ What does her mom think about all this? I was a "divorce child" and I sure as hell was treated the exact ... [snip!] ... her mothers & yours view on punishment? For example, my step mother wasn't afraid to whip my ass when I was being a brat.”

Everyone has mentioned her mom's opinion on this. Well her mom drops by every 3 months or so. So her opinion on the matter doesn't make a bit of difference. She's worthless. See the thing is I stopped spanking her when she was 5 because everyone kept saying Oh I'd like to see you spank Trinity. Well she was 2 at the time and didn't need it and to this day she doesn't really act up. So I said F^ck it, I'm not going to spank her because I don't want to hear everyone's bullshit opinion on it. My husband took over as disciplinarian. I do time out and crap like that but he does the hard core, you're getting your ass beat kind of stuff.
If my husband isn't careful, instead of having one unruly smart ass divorced child, he's going to have 5 because I will leave. If he can't have my back on little shit, like a smart mouth, then it will eventually fester and come to a nasty head and something will be said or done that can't be taken back.

Quoting Wishing for a Lil'Boy:“ i know this may sound childish, but just to show her that she needs to get it together u should start ... [snip!] ... ur other children to things and leave her little ass out. she won't like feeling left out and maybe she'll start acting right!”

If I did that everyone (and by everyone, I mean his family)would say its because they're my kids and she's not, mot because her behavior and attitude are so rude and disrepsectful. I have raised her since she was 14 months old. I didn't give birth to her but I'm still her mom! Her own mom doesn't care enough about her to be around so I took over that role. Just recently though I feel like people, including my husband, are implying to me that I have overstepped and they're trying to make me understand that she has a mom other than me. I don't know....

Quoting CynthiaRenee:“ If I did that everyone (and by everyone, I mean his family)would say its because they're my kids and ... [snip!] ... to me that I have overstepped and they're trying to make me understand that she has a mom other than me. I don't know....”

if you have been raising that girl since 14 months old then she don't remember shit about a divorce. your husband should stop giving her that excuse and as far as his family tell them to kick rocks! did anyone stop to think how her actions can affect your kids? they see her doing what she wants and disrespecting you they may think its ok! and after 9yrs of raising her YOU ARE HER MOTHER! and if his family don't see it that way you should step back save your energy for your children and let them deal with her.

Quoting Wishing for a Lil'Boy:“ if you have been raising that girl since 14 months old then she don't remember shit about a divorce. ... [snip!] ... and if his family don't see it that way you should step back save your energy for your children and let them deal with her.”

On some days I want that more than anything...to just throw up my hands and say ok you deal with it, I'm done. But her own mom did that. She threw up her hands and quit on all 3 of her kids and now they live miles apart with their own fathers. So I feel guilty for wanting to walk away and be done with it. I just want his family, and hers to butt out and fuck off. (excuse the language) They don't try to step in and raise her but they are quick to tell me that I'm doing it wrong. UGH Oh and about the she divorced child crap. I agree, she doesn't remember any of it. The only reason she knows about her dad even being married to her mom is because my MIL has a wedding album, video and all,that she pulls out. Trinity once asked me how can I be married to her dad when she just saw the video with grandma of daddy marrying Leah's mom. How the hell do you explain that to my kid and why the hell do you showMY kids that crap? I have to go clean something else, I'm getting all kinds of pissed off again!

something needs to be done bc they are walking all over you

Quoting CynthiaRenee:“ On some days I want that more than anything...to just throw up my hands and say ok you deal with it, ... [snip!] ... and why the hell do you showMY kids that crap? I have to go clean something else, I'm getting all kinds of pissed off again!”

well you should ask them how they are going to feel in a few years when she's no longer a out of control child, but a out of control TEENAGER!

I'm trying to figure out exactly what the issue is..because kids don't tend to be disrespectful unless there is something that isn't proportionate to their needs in their lives at this moment..either they're getting too much of something, or not enough of something. I know that I was a mouthy kid..and it wasn't cause I didn't love my mom's new partner..it was because I felt abandoned by my real dad and I was acting out those emotions on my mom and her partner.

Consider the fact that her attitude towards you may be influencing your attitude towards her..and therefore goes in a vicious cycle of treating each other in a negative way. Just in reading your "about me" I read "Leah is the oldest. She's 10, but her smart mouth is 16 at least.Trinity is 7 she's beautiful with big expressive gray eyes that reveal every emotion and thought that runs through her head". I'm NOT saying that it's not okay to feel that way..but if your step-daughter feels that you do think of her and her step-sister in different terms (one positive..one semi-negative) then she's going to act the part of the "bad" one.

She HAS to do her chores..and it's NOT right to refuse cause her sister is hurt and laid up. BUT..in arguing ABOUT her infront of her to her dad..it would a) make her believe that she has the control of making you and your husband argue about her and b)reinforce her role as the "bad" step-daughter. I would probably start making decisions about her discipline when she's not around. Put your foot down with your husband..and make it clear that as a member of your family..she has to contribute.

Since she's probably already feeling very insecure and scared about her shaky relationship with her mom..threatening it (by postponing it for any amount of time) probably does nothing but make her even more defensive and less apt to listen to you. I know that if my mom said ANYTHING about my dad I'd stick my bac up EVEN more..and not dow hat she asked me to do.

I'm not trying to criticize you, sometimes it just takes an outside person to point stuff out that you're too frustrated or tired to see on your own. I also have lots of child development training from university  It helps sometimes  Good luck..

Quoting Wishing for a Lil'Boy:“ i know this may sound childish, but just to show her that she needs to get it together u should start ... [snip!] ... ur other children to things and leave her little ass out. she won't like feeling left out and maybe she'll start acting right!”

OK, wow, my best friend growing up sounds like her (attitude wise)but she only lived with her father. She cravedany attention from her mother who had been in and out of jail and her life since she was two. Whenever she heard from her mother she was pacified, as more time passed between each communication she was a bitch to her father and seemed like she was building a wall and preemtively pushing him away before he pushed her away too. But maybe thats because she trusted him so much that she knew that no matter what, he would still love his daughter. Maybe she is subconsiously feeling that if she loves you she is betraying her biological mother and doesn't want to feel like she is putting you where her mother should be.
I am not a psychiatrist JMO on nothing I have no real experience with this yet.
Good luck.

Quoting kc_jones78:“ OK, wow, my best friend growing up sounds like her (attitude wise)but she only lived with her father. ... [snip!] ... you where her mother should be. I am not a psychiatrist JMO on nothing I have no real experience with this yet. Good luck.”

It's a wonderful opinion. Lots of people have said that she may feel as if she's betraying her own mom. My sister has a SD and she is all grown now but when she was little she acted similar to the way that Leah does. Now she realized her mom will never do what she wants her to and she's over it.