Forums > Suffering & Lossby: BabyMarshall12days!

Lily's poem

posted 30th Aug

I know I put this poem in another post recently, but after reading some things tonight I wanted to give it it's own posting.
I wrote this in the days after we lost our baby, Lily Hope, on 02-02-08.

"Lily"

I never got to hold you, so why do my arms feel so empty?
I never got to see you smile, yet I know it would've been beautiful beyond belief.
It takes 40 weeks for a baby to be fully formed, yet it only took 40 seconds for you to be fully formed in my mind and my heart.
I hadn't met you yet, but I already knew you.
For 16 weeks you were a part of me, this tiny combination of me and your Daddy.
Without ever having laid eyes on you I could already see you.
You were going to be a tiny little thing, like your big sister Megan.
Your hair would be all ringlets, just like your big sister Elanie
I had even gotten my wish that you'd get your Daddy's beautiful eyes.
You had a name, a history, and a future that knew no limits.
In the blink of an eye, you were gone.
Panic and dread building in me as I watched the ultrasound screen and realized your heart was not beating.
Waiting and waiting, each second worse than the last as we waited for the doctor to come give us the news.
My thoughts increasingly frantic as I tried to convince myself that I had somehow missed something on that screen.
Fighting hysteria while the doctor used polite phrasing like "fetal demise" instead of saying "your baby is dead"
Trying to survive the following days as doctors depersonalized you even more, reducing you to such terms as "product of conception"
And now, trying to pick up the pieces. Trying to remember what it felt like to draw a proper breath.
No rest, even when I do sleep.
Waking to the immediate thought, Lily is gone.
And I miss her

quote

I'm due December 14th (a girl), have 4 kids & 1 angel baby & live in Carmichael, California

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