re: So Now What?

Quoting Merk:“ thats good. i just dont want to break up, neither does he. then again, it would suck to be a kid with a family that doesnt completely love he/she.”

I think he'll get over it and love the baby-- at least... if he's a decent human he will.

Quoting Beth!:“ I think he'll get over it and love the baby-- at least... if he's a decent human he will.”

thats what im hoping for

Quoting Merk:“ thats what im hoping for”

And if he doesn't, you don't need him.

Quoting Beth!:“ And if he doesn't, you don't need him.”

good point.

Well then has he ever heard of a condom? Tough shit now, you're down the road you're on and if he doesn't like it get the hell outta the car. Talk to him and see if he's scared of a repeat. Have faith because all of the negativity can't be good, positive thoughts on succeeding and you'll do good!

Quoting Baby?? Due 1_13_09:“ Well then has he ever heard of a condom? Tough shit now, you're down the road you're on and if he doesn't ... [snip!] ... scared of a repeat. Have faith because all of the negativity can't be good, positive thoughts on succeeding and you'll do good!”

im trying to talk to him. he doesnt have a concrete reason he just keeps saying things like " i wanted to go to school in grenanda", "what if i want to move to india", "what if i want to travel the US on the back of a motorcycle till i settle down"... like i get that he wanted to go to school in grenada and i can wait while he does that, but hes NEVER mentioned any of the other stuff.

Quoting Merk:“ im trying to talk to him. he doesnt have a concrete reason he just keeps saying things like " i wanted ... [snip!] ... that he wanted to go to school in grenada and i can wait while he does that, but hes NEVER mentioned any of the other stuff.”

He also WANTED to get your pregnant.

Quoting Merk:“ im trying to talk to him. he doesnt have a concrete reason he just keeps saying things like " i wanted ... [snip!] ... that he wanted to go to school in grenada and i can wait while he does that, but hes NEVER mentioned any of the other stuff.”

sounds like what he's really saying is he doesn't want to be tied down. Like it's suffocating, well tell him it's a beautiful thing and doesn't mean that his life is over. Infact it's just beginning and will be more beautiful than riding across the country on the backof a motorcycle!

Quoting Baby?? Due 1_13_09:“ sounds like what he's really saying is he doesn't want to be tied down. Like it's suffocating, well tell ... [snip!] ... life is over. Infact it's just beginning and will be more beautiful than riding across the country on the backof a motorcycle!”

He can do all that shit once the baby is grown.

Quoting Baby?? Due 1_13_09:“ sounds like what he's really saying is he doesn't want to be tied down. Like it's suffocating, well tell ... [snip!] ... life is over. Infact it's just beginning and will be more beautiful than riding across the country on the backof a motorcycle!”

thats what i keep telling him, having a baby doesnt mean giving up your life... it just means sharing it.

he just doesnt want it...
he doesnt know if he "can love a baby"

i just dont understand what changed from last time... or even what changed from this morning or yesterday.

and he talks now about how we dont make enough money.
were not rich but neither of us are even close to making min wage. we get paid pretty decently.
and hes going to school to be a bovine vet so hell be making good money in a few years...

i just dont know with him.

Quoting Merk:“ thats what i keep telling him, having a baby doesnt mean giving up your life... it just means sharing ... [snip!] ... decently. and hes going to school to be a bovine vet so hell be making good money in a few years... i just dont know with him.”

Sounds like all the stuff my DH was saying originally - it's a guy thing. A lot of guys hear from other guys that marriage is the ball and chain, a baby is the lock in your prison door, blah blah blah, your life is over. And it's hard to get over that much negativity from every guy around you, from TV and everything, when you find out your expecting.

If he wanted this baby before, and was trying for it before and now, then I think it's just the shock of it settling in. "Cripes, we're having a kid? Well, there goes my life..." I've talked to some guys about it and they say, yeah, they think that. Then the baby comes and they realize they don't WANT to have that life- they want to spend every waking moment with their babies after their born, and that hs become their new focus. It makes them less selfish.

I went through the same feelings when I was really early on in my pregnancy. I didn't want the baby, I felt like all the stuff I wanted to do in my life (god knows what that even was, now) would be impossible to do, etc. As I got more used ot the idea I don't care any more- can't even remember what it is- and am so thrilled about being a mom.

It'll come with time.
You can tell him- life isn't over. Stuff still happens. Go talk to some of your friends who have kids already, and see what they feel like now. It's just our culture telling him having a kid is the end of life.

Quoting Astraia:“ Sounds like all the stuff my DH was saying originally - it's a guy thing. A lot of guys hear from other ... [snip!] ... who have kids already, and see what they feel like now. It's just our culture telling him having a kid is the end of life.”

yeah im hoping he'll come out of it. he just has big dreams that he thinks wont come true, he has like 4 and a half years of school left and he thinks that we still wont have our own house by the time our baby is going to college, which isnt the case at all i dont think. i mean, hes gonna be a doctor, an animal doctor... but they make goooooood money, esp the kind he's going to be.

i think part if it is that last weekend he drove to vermont to visit his bestfriend, who also has a kid, and saw that that guys life sucks, he has to drive a truck instead of doing what he wants to do, hes divorced, only gets his daugtor every other week etc.

i think he thinks thats going to happen to him.

idk, this morning he said "i wont ever think this is a good decision, i wont ever want this to happen but what can i do, i guess i just gotta go with it.. i would ever ask you to have an abortion"

so hes being nice about it but he still comes off as a dick.

Quoting Merk:“ yeah im hoping he'll come out of it. he just has big dreams that he thinks wont come true, he has like ... [snip!] ... just gotta go with it.. i would ever ask you to have an abortion" so hes being nice about it but he still comes off as a dick.”

yep!
Sounds like my DH.
His brother got married at 20, had his first kid at 21, and was working full time at 21 to support his wife (SAHM) and son, and then they had 2 more kids. So now at 25 he has 3 kids, his wife stays home, he has a mortgage and 2 cars, and a job he hates. He has no hobbies, no friends, never goes out- they don't do anything.

My DH looks at his brothers life and is like, "shit, that's gonna be me..."

So I'm making sure that now while we have a puppy and I'm pregnant that he can still go out- so he goes to parties sometimes, we go to the pub and he'll have a couple of drinks, we go out for movies, people come over to our house to drink, etc, and I just make myself busy in other parts of the house. It works out pretty well and he's calming down as well, realizing that everything isn't over because I'm pregnant/ will have a baby soon. We're not instantly going to sit around at home for the rest of our lives because we have a kid.

We thought we wouldn't be able to buy a house either for another 4-5 years, but remarkably everything is falling into place and people are stepping up to help us (like, the people we're buying the house from our giving us cash for our downpayment). It's crazy, and we've bought a house 4 yrs ahead of what we thought we could do.

And yeah, he's gonna make GOOOOD money. Lucky you, eh? Lol.

Quoting Astraia:“ yep! Sounds like my DH. His brother got married at 20, had his first kid at 21, and was working full ... [snip!] ... we've bought a house 4 yrs ahead of what we thought we could do. And yeah, he's gonna make GOOOOD money. Lucky you, eh? Lol.”

lucky me is right! haha.

i heard mortgages are cheap. well like, cheaper then renting. except you pay taxes.. i was thinking maybe ill save up money and i already have good credit, ill try and get some more credit and start trying to get a house in a year or so,i can rent a room to my dad or my sister and BIL... that can help pay everything and make it easier on us.

i dont know anything about buyign houses though... so i could be wayy off..

yeah and i let mat do whatever he wants. i tell him to go out. he just doesnt cuz this is MY hometown, his is hours away. thats party of the reason hes not all about it.  

i introduce him to alot of people
bring him places
he just isnt into it. its just not his town.

Quoting Merk:“ lucky me is right! haha. i heard mortgages are cheap. well like, cheaper then renting. except you ... [snip!] ... hes not all about it.   i introduce him to alot of people bring him places he just isnt into it. its just not his town.”

Is he going to school in your hometown? Where is he planning on settling down and practicing once he's done school? Either way, if he's there for the next few years he should try to meet some people and make this 'his' town.

To rent a small, attached, 3 bedroom house here we'd look at 1300/ month + utilities for a crappier place. We're buying a small, attached, somewhat crappy place and even including taxes we'd only pay about 800/ month + util.

If you don't want a house that's all perfect and done up then you can save tons of money. Do the work, build up equity in the house, and when you're more settled you can upgrade to something nicer.

Also, if you can get signed statements from your dad/ siblings/ whoever saying that they'll pay you X-amount in rent per month, it makes getting a mortgage that much easier because you're guaranteeing income to help with payments.