is it griefe or just playing on it???

my little 4 yr old daughter keeps saying how much she misses oscar (our angel) but it always seems that she says it when she is in trouble. im not sure if it is griefe or if she is playing on it. i dont want to say anything to her incase it is grife but i just dont want her to be playing on him. i know she was very upset when we lost our angel but where do i draw the line. i tell her that she can always talk to me about him, but as i said she always brings oscar up when she is in trouble. im not sure if she it thinking she will get out of trouble if she does this??? has anyone elses kids done this after the loss of a baby???

Quoting cherie86:“ my little 4 yr old daughter keeps saying how much she misses oscar (our angel) but it always seems that ... [snip!] ... if she it thinking she will get out of trouble if she does this??? has anyone elses kids done this after the loss of a baby???”

O wow hunny thats a tough one. When does she bring him up? Is it mainly when shes in trouble?

She might be using it a little. I know my SIL and brother had a hard time with my niece. They had to put down there dog, and everytime she was about to get in trouble, she would start crying and say, I just really miss Spooky. My SIL finally realized that when she would say that, they would almost forget she did something bad, and talk to her about death and everything instead of punishing her. Kiddos are smart! I would follow through with punishing her, but still make sure you lef tthe lines of communications open. Don't tell her not to say that or anything, but don't let her get away with whatever it was that she did. And I am sooo sorry about your loss.

there is the occasional time she will bring oscar up when she isnt in trouble but it always seems when she is in trouble she brings it up n i feel bad when i punish her knowing she is upset about it. i know that when we lost him she was playing up heaps more like drawing on the walls, wouldnt do anything she was asked things like that but i thought that was just her way of getting through it n i know she knew that we where upset. i didnt know if it was for attention coz i wasnt myself n wasnt doing everything we use to do together. things are alot better now we are getting back to the way we where b4. every time i get upset she knows y. she is a very smart girl n i got told of a social worker that she is alot in front for her age. i just dont know where to draw the line with her by saying that she cant do that when she is in trouble, but i dont want her to think that it is wrong for her to talk about him. im so lost right now on what to do

Quoting cherie86:“ there is the occasional time she will bring oscar up when she isnt in trouble but it always seems when ... [snip!] ... she is in trouble, but i dont want her to think that it is wrong for her to talk about him. im so lost right now on what to do”

IMO it sounds like she is doing it for attention. If she brings it up w/o being in trouble thats when its ok to baby her and talk to her about it. But when shes in trouble ignore the fact that she tries to bring him up cause she knows she'll get out of it by bringing him into it. Let her know that thats not ok.

Quoting Living and Loving:“ IMO it sounds like she is doing it for attention. If she brings it up w/o being in trouble thats when ... [snip!] ... that she tries to bring him up cause she knows she'll get out of it by bringing him into it. Let her know that thats not ok.”

I completely agree.

OP, you gotta lay the law. Tell her it's perfectly fine to miss him but she did the deed so she needs an appropriate punishment. Afterward, give her options for expressing grief/anger that are healthy and won't get her in trouble.

My daughter is 4 and she does the same thing. My mother passed away before my daughter was even born and we named her after my mom, Kelly. But we've explained to her her grandma is up in heaven.. and sometimes when she gets in trouble she'll say "I miss my grandma Kelly," or "i wish I could see her,". It does make me feel bad but I do follow through with any disipline she may need.