I know this isn't related to pregnancy or children in a huge way, altho it does touch upon abortions and my hormonal pregnant self! But if you don't mind please read and help me.. I feel confused and am not sure how to react.
I was brought up in a very close opinionated family, one with unconditional love but loudly spoken opinions, and was always taught that family is family no matter what and whether you agree or not you are there and are supportive, however, I truly am being tested lately with my ability to do this and don't think I can do it any more.
My cousin Jaime is now 25yrs. old (3yrs. older then me) and we have always been close. She also lives the closest to me and we usually try to see each other at least 1x a week. However for a little over a year she has been back with her ex-bf who I never truly liked. They have been friends since hs and he was always a junkie and a slimeball. Well when she first got back together with him, I tried. He was living in a halfway house, working and trying to stop drinking (after dropping heroin and doing jail time).However over the past year he has gotten on my last nerve and finally I hadto speak my mind and was honest with her in saying, "I hate him, and canhonestly say he's the only person I feel that way about".
She has many times said she was going to leave him and never did.Shehas had 2abortions since last christmas because she hasgotten pregnant and says, "she can't have a baby with him because he has no license or desire to get one, doesn't have a good job, drinks to much, cheats on her (w/her friends and strangers), and is verbally abusive." yet everytime she goesback to him.
Wellabout 2-3 wks. ago my huni and him got into a fist fight because my huni couldnt take him running his mouth abouther and just in general anymore. She promised she was done talking to him and was going to get back together with her hs sweetheart who was suppose to be parolled this friday.
Well yesterday I find out that instead of letting Andrew parole and move in with her and starting a family w/him like she's told him for months she wanted to do, she is back with Alan (the one i hate) again. So now Andrew can not parole because he has no place to go.
I just don't get it, if he is such a horrible person that she needs 2 abortions in 6mos. and still hasnt changed why would she get back with him. & now my family is the type to just not question and support, but I'm really struggling with this. I am so upset about the abortions as I'm pro-life, and i'm upset that after the fight and after everything I've done to support her in moving on she would sneakily go back to him and do that to andrew. I just think that those are horrible life choices and i do not support them, and if she wasn't family I'd be discusted with her decisions and never talk to her again, but she is family..
what am I suppose to do. I love her but I am very upset with her and don't want to pretend I'm not. Also, she was going to be my new daughters godmother, but after her lack of human compassion I truly don't think I want her to be anymore... is it just hormones? am I being to harsh?

please help??... i feel lost...

I definately wouldn't choose her to be your daughters godmother
you should pick someone responsible and smart and she doesn't sound like she's being either. Neither of the men sound like winnners honestly but either way i would definately say something to her about it, but then again some people are just like that and they will never change.

if she feels like she can't support even her own children so strongly that she is out getting abortions, I think you definitely need to find someone else to be your child's godmother.

She should'nt be the God mother of your little one.She's not making smart decisions. I dont think she'll be a good role model at all.

so she's going to leave the abusive drug addict and get back together with someone who's in jail now about to be parolled??? what the hell is wrong with her? i would definitly not let her be your child's godmother until she can get her freakin act together!!

while you don't have to make her your child's godmother asshe doesn't sound like she surrounds herself with the best of people as her second choice is someone else just getting out of jail??? Doesn't sound exactly like a winner to me. Sounds to me like she really needs to spend some time out of a relationship and building up herself esteem... But that is beside the point...

I say her decisions are her decisions to make and while you may or may not agree with them if you are truely her friend/cousin you should be able to give your opinions and leave it at that. Remember this is her life. she is the one that has to live it. If it gets to the point where you don't feel safe or comfortable to be around her because of the men she chooses let her know that but also let her know that you would always be there in an emergency or if she decided to leave for good. You can't make her do what you want... sometimes people have to learn their lessons the hard way and as her friend/ family member it is going to be painful to watch even from a distance. I stayed with a real As*hole for 3 years too many and lots of my friends begged me to leave him and while I wanted to, I didn't have the will power or more importantly the self esteem to do so. I hit a really hard rock bottom at the end and learned the hard way that I did not want to spend the rest of my life living how I was living and while I may not have followed my friends and families advice when they were giving it, it was always in the back of my mind and helped me make the right decision in the long run to walk away. Now I am happily married to a wonderful guy and I have my self respect and esteem back where it belongs! Hopefully your cousin can do the same!

Good luck with your cousin!! It will be a long hard struggle cause it doesn't sound like she is ready to leave... but, give hergood solid advice and give her time!

Quoting Michimommy:“ while you don't have to make her your child's godmother asshe doesn't sound like she surrounds herself ... [snip!] ... be a long hard struggle cause it doesn't sound like she is ready to leave... but, give hergood solid advice and give her time!”

i agree with all of you in saying that 1 is not necessarily better then the other.(however, the one in jail is in there for bs chargesthat I dont agree with and has always treated her like gold andtruly loves her and is a goodguy). i also agree that she is not the type of person i want as godmother to my daughter at this stage in her life. i also agree that she needs to know that i will support her and help her move on in any way I possibly can.
I have not spoken to her since I found out about her decision, and probably should at least confront her and tell her how I feel. And maybe I'm wrong and maybe it's not what I should do, but I think I must tell her that if she leaves him or ever needs anything to please call me as I am there for her and willing to helpbut if she is going to choose to have him in her life I need to stay away until she realizes for herself how bad he is for her.
Does that make sense? Is that appropriate? Err... why can't she just realize he isnt going to change... why is she ok with being with someone who causes her to abort her kids for fear of him being the dad... why is she ok with being with someone who almost got her friend pregnant while they were together.. this just gets me so depressed, it truly breaks my heart.. i wish she'd just leave him...

Quoting AshleyVenner:“ i agree with all of you in saying that 1 is not necessarily better then the other.(however, the one ... [snip!] ... pregnant while they were together.. this just gets me so depressed, it truly breaks my heart.. i wish she'd just leave him...”

The problem is she probably does realize all of those problems and issues that you listed but some how she is able to deny them or make excuses for them... I am guessing she doesn't have high self esteem (just a guess) and unfortunately nothing anyone says is going to make her leave. It will have to be her choice, When I struggled with my P.O.S. EX BF my mom always told me that I could look at it this way... did I want to spend my life with someone who gave me 20% good times and 80% bad... because that was how it was going to be, he wasn't going to change and I wasn't going to change him, so if that is what I was willing to except then to stay. If that was all the happiness I thought I deserved then stay, but if I thought I was worth more then I should leave because that was the only way I would ever get it... and she was right... sadly it took me a year of staying after that advice to realize how true it was but I appreciated it none the less because while I didn't take it at the time, it did stick with me, even to this day! I say keep lines of communication open with your cousin and always be honest with her in the nicest way you possible can convey what you want to say. Try not to put her on the defensive because that might push her father away or more into a feeling like she has to defend him mode which leads right back to denial. And if need be distance yourself all together, I lost touch with a lot of friends for my ex. because he was who I thought was important but once I left him I got all my true friends back... and personally I hope if she does end it she takes some time for just herself and doesn't jump right into another relationship. It sounds like she needs to get in touch with who she is and what she really deserves in life before commiting anything to anyone else.

Good luck!!