biological mom vs. step mom

Just in case ur wondering, i'm da step mom. real mom left kids 5 years ago and it seems like she's telling them a whole lot of B.S. about me. I am actually with their biological father. Their mom only takes them wen it's convenient for her. We have custody papers of specific weekends she takes them but of course she doesnt follow it. The only time she contacts them is when she wants them and it's to bring them to parties or for their birthdays or for holidays. most birthdays and holidays since i've been a part of this family we have never actually had the kids. she's always had them. now that i am actually having some type of control in their life, she is telling them to not listen to me cuz i'm not their mom. what should i do? my husband and i have tried to talk to her but she jus ignores our calls. help!

Its a sucky situation I know, not because I've had step kids, but I've been a stepkid   My parents divorced and remarried when we were pretty young. Even if their bio mom wasn't nuts it would still be hard ;) Just try your best and make sure you dont bad about their mom in front of them- just causes more problems, and hopefully some day she'll grow up. Good for you for being there for them though. good luck

It's hard. And really...there isn't anything you can do but just keep reminding your step kids that you are in charge in your house..etc. I am a step mom and in the similar situation, we have the kids more than their mother does...and she is well....horrible!

Hope things work out for you. I have a support type website for stepmoms dealing with biomoms...and their relationships with the kids/fathers...etc. If you want the address...PM me!! 

If you dont mind me asking how many kids are there and how long have you been in their lives??

Quoting ~Teenage Mother~:“ If you dont mind me asking how many kids are there and how long have you been in their lives??”

we have five kids together, but three arent mine. their ages r 11, 9, and 8. I've been living in their lives since may of 2005.

wow sounds like my life in a nut shell, same situation as u the real mom hasn't been consistant in my step childrens lives since birth i've been in picture for 4 yrs. the youngest calls me mommy ( he's turning 5 soon) the oldest hates me cause of his mommy, it's a hard stiuation cause in my case she tells them I am keeping her and thier father apart the youngest isn't attached to her since she really hasn't been like a mother to him ever, but the oldest she has around her thumb and he goes out of his way to misbehave and will tell his father its cause his mom told him if he is bad the judge will give him to her. The father has told and expalined to the boys that he and thier mom didn't work out. She made a big fuss over visitaion and ended up bagging herself to HAVE to meet at court house so it is documentted if "we dnt show up" that was almost ayear ago her request and she hasn't seenthem sense nov. of 07!! That helped us alot to show the kids that we come here so mommy can pick u guys up and if she doesn't come it's not us keeping her from you its her choice. THe oldest would say that we came at the wrong time we had to hav eth court office show him the paper and time she was to be there. He would still say we where early or maybe she was working or food shopping for them. Finally the chief judge took away her visitation rights. I feel bad because i know i'm not thier mother and i try to make sure i show them love they need but in the end if a real mom has her kids brainwashed the stepmom is the one that picks up the pieces deals with the crap and everything as they live and go as they please. I wish they would realise that the only person they are hurting is thier own child not the ex man or new girlfriend but the kids. IT's real hard to be a stepmother and give love and care for other children along with your own, deal with the real mom's dramam, the chldren hating you , the lies they feed thier kids etc. and still maintain our composure...kudos to us stepmoms cause it aint easy!!!

yes i totally get wat ur saying. she doesnt even call them on a daily basis to check on them. i tell the kids to call her but it always goes to voice mail and she never calls back so they jus dont call anymore. she only calls when she wants them. my opinion, she treats them like shoes. she only wears it when she feels like it and if she doesnt want it, she wont wear it or care for it at all. u get wat i'm saying. it's jus a sad and sticky situation!

Its an awful situation, and a tricky one at that.

The best thing to do is move on with life as if she weren't a factor. If she'd like to be a part of their lives she will. There is nothing you can do to force her to care, or to be a good mother to her children.

In time the children will come to see what you already know...

OR you could be a bitch back.....her visitation....in the court papers you have them everyother weekend...If you dont have time for them on your days, then you can wait to have them till the next time your visitation is. My sons fathe rwasthe same way and italways left him disapointed when his dad didnt show to pick him up!Holidays should be split as well as bdays. Let her know how much control you DO have! I know it wont work in all situations but i put my foot down and in the end it has seemed to work out!

as much as i would love to put my foot down, my boyfriend thinks that she should see them whenever she can. i dont think it's right though. like i said before, she can have them whenever she wants. i have heard from people that we know that she is always going out of town, or hitting the clubs, or whatever wat not. I would like to do that kind of stuff too without having to worry about a baby sitter or watever u kno. but i think i will push the issue. is there anything that we can do with the visitation rights? like can we report it to the court and tell them that she isnt taking them on the days that she's supposed to? or will it jus be a waste of my time?

sure you can keep a log of when she sees him, if you ever want to go for full this would be very beneficial...

Would i need to to like have that piece of document notarized? i jus ask becuz she might go and say well i did take them that weekend and so on and so forth and it might end up being her word against mine. u kno wat i mean

Quoting Rob and Gee:“ Just in case ur wondering, i'm da step mom. real mom left kids 5 years ago and it seems like she's telling ... [snip!] ... to me cuz i'm not their mom. what should i do? my husband and i have tried to talk to her but she jus ignores our calls. help!”

It's not up toyou to correct the situation,its up to your hsband. I now the woman in you want to do it yourself, but that will only cause friction between you andthe kids, it makes them feel like that have to choosse side, and you don't want that.HE must speak to the children mother in a way that let her know that he means business. if there is a custody agreement and she's not following it, then try to talk him into going tothe the courts and file what ever grievance he has with the mother. as for the disrespect, tell the kids it will not be allowed, i know it sound cliche, but while they are living under your roof and you're feeding, clothing, providing shelter, schooling, extra circular (sp?) activities and a loving, caring and stable enviroment they must follow your rules like them or not, no matter what anyone else has told them!!! good luck and stay strong.

Quoting Rob and Gee:“ as much as i would love to put my foot down, my boyfriend thinks that she should see them whenever she ... [snip!] ... to the court and tell them that she isnt taking them on the days that she's supposed to? or will it jus be a waste of my time?”

You need to keep a calendar and whenever she takes them mark it down. Seriously. I have 3 of my own then Kris has 3 with his ex. At first his kids and I got along. Then there bio mom decided to run her mouth about me. Now, that I am prego she hates me even more. About 2 weeks ago she tried psuhing kris out of the way, tried climbing over my 11 year old daughter to come after me. Then she started hitting my truck. I did call the cops and make a report. She causes scenes in front of the girls all the time. We are staying with Kris parents bc we are in the middle of looking for a place. For the longest time the bio mom, heather would give us the kids for 4 - 6 days at a time. Now, it's every few weeks. Heathers mom does supervised vistation and knows alot of people. So, when she makes a call even with no proof the kids don't have to come. Kris girls are getting really bad about not listening to me, i say one thing esp autumn who is the 9 year old goes and asks kris, i tell them to do something, when they fight i get involved but then they still don't do anything. Kris tells the girls then to listen and do what he says. That is about it. No time out, no privilges taken away, nothing. Though my son who is 5 had a hard time at first bc my ex said you don't have to listen to kris, after about 6 months and around and round we went zach broke. He got his punishments trust me. Heather the bio mom, honestly, doesn't put her kids first, she causes fights and scens in front of them that they shouldn't witness. I have put a major limit to the times he talks to the bio mom bc she will call and start trouble with me alot. Lies fights. I just tell her I won't put up with her BS, to me, kris or in front of any of these children. Keep note of everything, keep receipts of everything you spend on them. Turst me, document everything....

Quoting Rob and Gee:“ Would i need to to like have that piece of document notarized? i jus ask becuz she might go and say well ... [snip!] ... say well i did take them that weekend and so on and so forth and it might end up being her word against mine. u kno wat i mean”

He needs to put his foot down. Kids need a routine. Since I have been on bedrest 100% I haven't been able to have my 2 youngest kids, we are going through a custody battle, I had a man judge. So, he got temp. custody of my kids and I got nothing much with my kids. We are trying to agree to the kids but we have alot of the same rights with him having to stay in the 2 counties, so he can't up and move.