i'm lonley

I miscarried today. 18 weeks. I feel horrible. I am longing for my baby, and the arms of my ex, no matter how much of an asshole he is I still have this love for him I can't even explain. Why do I love him?

I know it was only today but i Keep rubbing my belly.. catching myself, thinking my son is still in there. Why do bad things happen? Why couldn't my baby survive? He was the only person I had left in my life. I'm so alone..

I am so sorry to hear that, honey. I cant imagine what your going through, but your strong and ull make it through.

I hate complaining andbeing weak. But I'm weak in the friggin knees right now. I just want to be held, by anyone. And cry and cry and cry.. with someone to rub my back as I do it

Im so sorry for your loss

Quoting .A N G i E.:“ I miscarried today. 18 weeks. I feel horrible. I am longing for my baby, and the arms of my ex, no matter ... [snip!] ... in there. Why do bad things happen? Why couldn't my baby survive? He was the only person I had left in my life. I'm so alone..”

Im soooo sorry for your loss. I wish there was something I could do for you...Do you have any answers to why your angel went to heaven? It might help to know, it helped me!

Quoting Mama to 2 boys + 1 on the:“ I am so sorry to hear that, honey. I cant imagine what your going through, but your strong and ull make it through.”

Thank you.

I am so sorry for you loss! I have to words to explain why your son was taken away. Although you feel that your baby was the only person you have left you forgot about how important you are! Im not sure if you are a praying woman (if not I apologize) but when I lost my baby that was something that I found some peace in. Of course it wasnt instant but I was able to move on in time! I wish you the best.

I am so very sorry for your loss! my cousin just m/c at 20 weeks. i dont know why bad things happen but you have to be strong. and even if he was an ass he was the father of your angel so its okay to miss him. *hugs* everything heals with time

Quoting .A N G i E.:“ I miscarried today. 18 weeks. I feel horrible. I am longing for my baby, and the arms of my ex, no matter ... [snip!] ... in there. Why do bad things happen? Why couldn't my baby survive? He was the only person I had left in my life. I'm so alone..”

Sorry Angie. I don't know what to say, I have been there before but I can't imagine not being able to see my baby. I was lonely for the longest time, I had no one. How is Pedro hanging in there?!

Quoting Carmen DeSoprano:“ Im soooo sorry for your loss. I wish there was something I could do for you...Do you have any answers to why your angel went to heaven? It might help to know, it helped me!”

None. Basically here is my story (copy and paste, which is what's with the thank yous)

Sunday I wrote:
Basically, since last saturday when I found out it was a boy I have been bleeding/spotting, but they said it was okay and it was old blood etc. I don't even recall what the cause was. On Wednesday they told me that I may need to take hormones to thicken my uterus, but they would decide at my next appt to see how I was progressing. The baby was still fine(?), I believe. Yesterday I went to the hospital because I had not felt the baby move since Wednesday and I was scared out of mind. They didn't let me see the sono screen, and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I fainted when they said that, and I really can't even recall much of my convo with the doctor.
Tomorrow I have to go in, and the will decide if I can pass the baby naturally or if I will have to have the DnC. I don't know what I prefer. I feel so shitty, I am trying to just get all my emotions out. I am so angry with Pedro as now he wants to come tomorrow, and I don't even want him there. I told him it's odd that he suddenly wants to around, when it's over, the baby is dead. I am under the impression that his stupid fucking mother and sister only want proof and think I had an abortion. He said "it's better in black and white, and I need to say goodbye to my son". I don't want him there, at all. But I guess he will be there. With all these emotions and everything, on Saturday night Pedro and I hung out and spoke. I actually had a little to drink, which felt so odd. His girlfriend(ex, she broke up with him when he told her we hung out) and his sister were prank calling me all Saturday night. I told Pedro they seriously have no respect, after everything I have been through not even once have I acted immature like that, and here they are, knowing I just lost my child, acting like they are 14 again and pranking me, telling me he doesn't love me. I screamed into the phone "No shit, and he doesn't love you either. You think he loves you because he's with you? No. So just stop the shit and if you have a problem, say it" I turned my phone off.

I feel like I did something wrong, but I do know and understand it is not my fault. My body couldn't handle it, I guess. I will find out all the details more tomorrow when I am more sane, I really can't even recall Saturday at all. I just cried and fainted, it was terrible.

I want to thank all of you ladies for being there for me.. you've pushed me so much, to get where I was, not caring about Pedro, and knowing I could have done it, even as hard as it was becoming/being. I know I would have been a great mother, but now I will concentrate on bettering myself and my life. I am going to Europe on July 16th for 3 1/2 weeks, to spend time with my grandparents and just get away from this stress. I am going to continue with school when the semester starts, as well as start my new job. I just want to thank everyone for all the support they've been offering. It's really hard, and it won't get easy, and it will take time, but I will be okay one day. I'll never be over it, and I may blame myself, but God has a plan for everyone, as confusing as that plan maybe. I will continue to be the person I am.. I never let those stupid girls get to me. I stood up for my baby, and I will stand up for him continuously. I never did anything wrong, I got pregnant and I stood up and took care of what needed to be done. I won't let those stupid girls bring me down.. I am already down, but not because of them. They can kiss my ass, at least I know I fought for what was right, I didn't follow the trend and just ac childish.

I am going to be okay. I keep reminding myself that. One day at a time.

Today:
OK So i cant really get into details but i am so hopeful right now ladies, pray for me.

Supposively the machine in which was used on me on saturday is BROKEN. There is a chance my baby is still alive. But there's also a chance he is not, because one of the machines was working.. but still, be hopeful.

I'm not going to that office I am going to a speicalist in Manhattan. My boobs have grown AGAIN.. on Saturday I was barely a B, and I woke up yesterday a full B, bulging. Today, I needed to wear my mothers C... this is so weird. I really really realllllllllly hope for the best, but I am trying to pretend it's not happening. Who kows..... omg, i feel so scared. I hope that office was wrong!!

This morning after I ate I felt like I felt the baby move, but I don't know if it was gas. LADIES PRAY FOR ME & MY LIL MAN!

And later:

o I was on my way, and flipping out. So scared etc. Then I feel like I peed my pants. So i put my hand down there, and it's absolutely red. I went into a gas station and went to the bathroom. As i peed I was in soo much pain, everything started coming out. I was in there for like 20 minutes. I saw my baby in the toliet bowl at a Hess Station.

I continued on to the hospital, and Pedro was waiting outside. We went in together, he held my hand the whole entire time. There is no more baby. Everything passed. Nothing is left. I am so sad.. I don't even know what to think. The doctors couldn'ttell what caused it because sadly as I was sitting over the toliet EVERYTHING came out and I didn't take any of it, because I just wasn't thinking. I was thinking to myself that something would save the baby, but that was so stupid to have thought.

Pedro was so supportive the whole entire time.. held my hand, telling me how it will all be okay. He cried when they did the sono and the screen was empty. I was hystericall.. when the doc left the room he hugged me, as i was standing there with no pants/panties, dripping in blood. He held me so close and it felt so amazing to embrace him. He kissed my forehead and told me it will all be okay, I am still a mommy, and I will be a "Real" mommy one day. He tells me how much he loved me when we were together, but I was always to clingy and suffocating, always asking too many questions, and never independent.

I am determined that I will be okay. I've got years ahead of me. It's not easy.. at all. But it will be one day, one day I can do it, I can wake up and just think of my babyboy, but not cry. He's in a better place. And that's all I need to remember.

Thanks ladies. Yes, I am trying to just pray. I miss my lil Pedro swimming around. And that feeling of strange hunger, and hearing his heart, and knowing soon he'd be here. I miss planning his life, the baby's room, etc.

I miss Pedro. Jenni I don't know how he is doing.. he told me to never call him again after we spoke today. He kissed me on the forehead outside of the hospital, and we walked our seperate ways. It was horrible for me, I jsut wanted to turn back around and see if he was watching me... I hope he was, but I'll never know

i'm soo sorry for your loss...my heart breaks everytime i hear of someone who miscarries. You'll be strong and you'll make it through this I have hope in you. But for right now go ahead and be weak, cry and cry until you can't cry any more. I'll be praying for you to be strong through this!

Quoting .A N G i E.:“ Thanks ladies. Yes, I am trying to just pray. I miss my lil Pedro swimming around. And that feeling of ... [snip!] ... It was horrible for me, I jsut wanted to turn back around and see if he was watching me... I hope he was, but I'll never know”

Why did he say never to call him again?! What about what happened Saturday, I thought that he was coming around.

Quoting teenmommy2be:“ i'm soo sorry for your loss...my heart breaks everytime i hear of someone who miscarries. You'll be strong ... [snip!] ... right now go ahead and be weak, cry and cry until you can't cry any more. I'll be praying for you to be strong through this!”

Thanks.. I really appreciate it.

I just need to hear some motivating thoughts from people, it's so hard being by myself. I always try to fake it like I'm ok, through the pregnancy I was pretending I was ok, and I never was. and now it's all catching up. I am so heartbroken over my lil man and over my stupid ex boyfriend.

im sorry for your loss. when i had my m/c i felt alone too, but your not. this is the way i think of it..( idk if you believe in god or not but i do)
ithink that godneeds ourbabies because he needs a special littleangel in heaven. and i also think that every little baby angel in heaven has a special purpose