Disappointing..has anyone dealt with this??

Sorry in advance for the length of the story.

Ok, to start with my husband and I have been married for 1 1/2 years and together for 4 1/2 years. I had an iud until Jan 2007 when I had it taken out so we could start trying.We both decided that we wanted a child of our own even though I had one from a previous relationship and he had two. We started trying and it took us longer than expected to get pregnant. I found out that I had PCOS and then found out that I was pregnant in Jan 1 2008. We were so excited. I was 8 weeks at the time and I didn't even know it. I thought it was odd that I never had any symptoms since I had severe m/s that led to hospitilization a few times with my last pregnancy. I just thought i was lucky this time around. My husband was so excited and would talk to me about what we would name the baby, what the room would look like for a girl, and what for a boy. He went to the doctors appointment with me and none of the doctors seemed concerened. I went in for my first ultrasound January 15th at almost 9 weeks pregnant and they found a strong heartbeat but also found that the baby had a large cyst in the center of the body. We were told that these usually go away but they wanted to see me again for another u/s in 2 weeks.

My bday was the 18th and it was horrible. I was so stressed and hubby wouldn't talk to me at all, so we went in on my grandma's birthday, the 26th for the next ultrasound because I got them to schedule me one a little earlier so I wouldn't be as stressed for such a long period of time. When we went back they told us that the baby had no heartbeat this time and that it had not grown since the last ultrasound. I waited a few days and then went in for a D&C the day before my daughters 5th birthday Jan. 31st. My husband did not talk to me for weeks after that. He just ignored me I guess thinking that it would just all go away.

I had people telling me that it was God telling me that I didn't need another baby. The usual you can always have another one, at least you weren't farther along. It just hurt to be shut out by my husband, and my parents, and having to give my daughter a birthday party the next day and try to be happy. I know it sounds bad but it was soo hard for me to be happy. I let grandma take her for the rest of the day and just sat on the couch and cried all day and all night because she decided that she wanted to keep her overnight. I could not function for weeks afterwards and then slowly I got better. The doctor told me that we could try again in 2 months. So we waited and in April I got my period. DH and I had a long talk and I asked him if he was ready. He told me that he was ready because I wanted to make sure before we tried to get pregnant again. We had a nice talk and in the end I was sure that we were ready to start trying again. He seemed kind of happy about the idea of trying again.

I took a pregnancy test in may and it came out positive. I was soooo happy and told DH that night when he got home from work. He never said a word. Not one word. I was very upset. The next day he went to the store and bought about 5 home pg tests and brought them home. He wanted me to use them over a period of a few weeks to make sure that the tests really were positive. They were. I started looking for dr's but no one would see me until I was 12-14 weeks, because I didn't want to go to the same place again after the mistreatment we got there (long story there as well).I found one and scheduled the appt. I would be 11 weeks but they would still see me for my appt. DH had to be at all of the other appt's before the m/c but now he doesn't want to go to any of them. He did take of Wed of last week for the ultrasound and there was a strong heartbeat and the baby was the size we predicted it would be. I am 12 weeks and 2 days today and I asked DH what he was thinking because he is still not talking about the pregnancy and he sent me an email saying that he doesn't know what is going on with him but he thinks that we are not ready to have a baby at this time. He doesn't know why he is thinking like this but there are a lot of things going on right now and he doesn/'t think we are financially ready to have one and he doesn't want to resent the one that we have if we have it at the wrong time.

Why is he just now telling me this? I went through my first pregnancy with no one, my parents kicked me out, I was 18, had to get three jobs and my fiance left me because he was not ready to be a father. I did it alone andI wanted this time to be different. It was so hard last time, and I wanted to enjoy it this time since I am married, and we are doing ok right now. I guess I am just really disappointed right now and I don't know what to do. It is ruining the experience that I was wanting to have even more added to the stress and fear of losing this one as well.

could he be afraid of going through the loss of another pregnancy?

also, men sometimes recluse after the BFP.. they become overwhelmed at all the what ifs.. can i take care of the baby.. can i support everyone...

as you get further along, I'm sure his outlook will change.

awwe i'm sorry hunny. i bet he's just tryign not to get attached like last time and have it end in disappointment. thats how men do things. they have to be so hard ass about it. i am sure over time he will grow onto the idea. just be patient and give him time. once he sees that this baby is sticking he might come around  

It sounds like he is scared. My hubby and I lost a baby last year and with this pregnancy he has been really frightened to get excited because he was so crushed before. He statred to come up with every reason we shouldn't be pregnant because he was so scared we would lose this little one too and I think he thought that by coming up with reasons not to have a baby he would be safe from pain if we lost this little guy. As I got further along, he came around. good luck sweetie.

Quoting emmyn74:“ Sorry in advance for the length of the story. Ok, to start with my husband and I have been married ... [snip!] ... do. It is ruining the experience that I was wanting to have even more added to the stress and fear of losing this one as well.”

Nothing compared to what you have gone threw. I do have PCOS and when we first got pregnant Hubby was excited but then at 10w I started bleeding and went into the ER they told me to wait it out and see what happens. It took Hubby awhile to be excited again. I didn't loose the baby but I did feel him get a little distant for awhile. They deal with emotions so differently then us. I guess in a way hes still morning the last pregnancy. Give him some time I'm sure he will come around. Congrats on the baby! :-)

My Hubby, was really freaked out at first and although were well off, he was still questioning how he was gonna afford it, and if he was ready, and he already has an 8 year old son, but he has totally changed the way he feels about it, it just took him a little getting used to! I think a lot of guys go through some initial shock, which can be a little hurtful to us, and I think maybe your hubby hasn't dealt with his feelings from your previous m/s

sorry meant m/c

Thanks everyone. I am trying to understand him at this point. i am just so excited and he doesn't seem to be. I will keep trying to tell myself that he will get better as time goes on. I hope so. Thanks for letting me get my story out. I haven't been able to tell many people, no one in person at all. I am glad that I found this site.

I'm sorry hun....  

I would def. say that he is just terrified... The last time he let himself get excited and attached very early on and then had his heart broken... And since men don't openly grieve the way we do he probably hasnt' worked his way through the loss of the baby yet...

My bf is kind of the same way... He is getting better, but is still very cautious about who he tells (with our last pregnancy everyone knew in like, 2 days... he even told customers at work...!), how he acts, and monitors me on everything (which is cute for awhile but get's pretty annoying!).

See if you can get him to open up about what he is afraid of without pushing, he might think that you "don't understand" simply because you are excited...?

Good luck!
- Jess