need to talk... my story of SIDS

Hello all, I am stressing right now and just think sharing my story and feelings right now might help somehow. so, this is long, but I appreciate anyone reading and caring :-) This whole site has been so helpful.

Ok, 6 years ago I was married to a different man than I am now. We had a beautiful baby girl, she was perfect, beautiful, etc. etc. Everything was going wonderful until just before her 2 month birthday.

We spent the day at my inlaws and then shopped for shoes on the way home, Ashley was very cranky and tired, we finally got home at about 10:30 and fed her and she fell asleep right away, because she was so tired and we were tired we left he in her playyard/bassinet thing instead of taking her to bed with us- her first night not sleeping in bed with me. After a long day and the normal new parent exhaustion we went right to bed.

We woke up at about 7 am, and my first thought was that she had not woken up all night, I knew something was wrong. my now ex husband ran out first, not too worried, but i was freaking internally.

the next thing I hear is him yelling her name and then 2 loud bangs as he was tripping over the table to get to the phone to call 911. By now I am in the living room and I see her, she is blue, and does not look right. I grab her up and try to do CPR, i was useless, she was stiff and so cold. I opened my robe and held her to my skin trying to get her warm while rubbing her and doing cpr as well as I can remember it, he has 911 on the phone

i run to the door and open it, running out to the porch, about 5 houses down I see a cop car, with the cop talking to the neighbor, I screamed, or tried to, it was like a nightmare, nothing came out, no matter how hard i tried, so i started banging on the wall with the door, and freaking out, finally my exhusband runns out to see what i am doing and sees the cop, he yells and the cop finally comes

time has stopped, it takes forever for the cop to get 5 houses down on foot and the ambulance seemed to take an hour, they took ashley from me and worked on her, no one looked hopeful, i tried to call my mom, she lived in CA and I was in KS at the time so it was like 3am there, I couldn't get words out at all, finally mom yelled to put a paramedic on the phone, she knew something was going on from the noise. the paramedic told her what was going on, i was right there but didn't hear what she said, or dont remember, i dont know. she hung up and said my mom was on her way and gave me a hug, she was really nice. she took me to the bedroom and dressed me, i was in a trance or something, they put me in another ambulance behind the one they took ashley in and we went to the hospital.

The next 3 hours were a blur, no one talked to us, my mom kept calling and yelling at the doctors to stop trying to revive her, they were trying to get her back to life, but my mom being a nurse knew that if by some chance they did get her back that it was too late, i was so angry at her for saying that.

my neighbors came up and we talked a bit, i told them how long it took for the ambulance to get there and they explained it didn't take that long, less than 5 minutes from the time they heard the bang of my husband tripping to the first ambulance.

i started smoking again that day, right outside the door to the hospital, I had quit when I found out i was pregnant, but i needed one then, i smoked a pack or so in a row.

FINALLY, hours later they come out and say that there was nothing they could do, that she was gone, and one of the nurses dragged me in and had me look at her, i was freaking out, begging them to do something. they wouldnt.

my mom got there pretty quick, i have no idea how, but she had come from CA to KS in her pajamas and no luggage, got pulled over on the way to the hospital from the airport and the cop ended up escorting her instead of giving a ticket

thats where my memory pretty much shuts off, there was a funeral, lots of family, and the next months were filled with doctors and mental hospitals, I lost it, I was so out of it.

my ex and I got a divorce within a year, and the next 6 years are filled with crap, in and out of hospitals, medications, therapy, etc.

I finally met my now husband 3 years ago, and he has been amazing, after lots of consideration, we are pregnant now, due in october. I couldn't be happier.

I am scared though, about it happening again, what if something I did that caused it, or could have stopped it. She was on her back all the time, no blankets or pillows, etc. etc. the doctors say that her sleeping by herself that night was just a coincidence, that there was nothing i could have done to prevent it, but i still have issues.

they are sending the new baby home with a apnea monitor, for my sake more than hers, so it will beep if she forgets to breathe or anything goes on with her heart or lungs.

thanks so much for listening, I am sure i am just being emotional and parinoid and that everything will be ok..

Aww hun thats terrrible. Im sure its nothing you did. Good Luck with your pregnancy and Im sure your newest will be fine. Sorry for your loss.

first of all I am crying. That is horrible to have your child pass before you. I wish you comfort and peace with your next child

Oh honey, (HUGS) That is my worst fear. I think your so strong and brave. I could NEVER handle that. I think I would lay down and die. I'm SO sorry that this happened to you. God has a beautiful angel just waiting for you and watching over you. Good luck with everything. Your new baby will be just fine mama.

Oh hunny, I'm am so so sorry to hear you had to go through something like that.   That's a heartbreaking story

awww Your story made me cry. I am so sorry for your loss. You are a very strong woman. I wish you the best for your new family.

Im crying now, that is so sad  Im so sorry for your loss. I know your little angel is watching you and will look after you and the new baby when its born. God Bless

Oh my that is terrible. I am so sorry that had to happen to you. I wish you all the luck with this pregnancy

I think everythign will be ok, I have never heard of it happening twice to one person....if thats reassuring at all....

I would have lost it too...Im sorry you had to live through something like that.

your gonna have a beautiful healthy baby and she will be just fine.

Awww, I am so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. I do wish you the very best with the new baby. Those apnea moniters are wonderful. My son was on one for six months and thank God because he would stop breathing all the time but the alarm would sound and we would get him back to breathing. His sleep apnea was cause by bad acid reflux and he eventually out grew it. I am sending you big hugs!!!!!

Quoting evelester:“ Hello all, I am stressing right now and just think sharing my story and feelings right now might help ... [snip!] ... or lungs. thanks so much for listening, I am sure i am just being emotional and parinoid and that everything will be ok..”

I can't even imagine how something that devestating could feel. I am so sorry for your loss, but just try to think of the new miracle God blessed you with. I know it is probably hard with your fears, but keep your head up and pray for the best. I wish you happiness with your new family.

Oh my gosh.
I am so sorry.


wow,.. I got choked up.

You are such a brave and strong woman.

I'm so sorry for your lose

Wow what a horriffic story. I'm sooo sorry that you had to go through something like that. No parent should ever have to. I wish you and your husband th every best for the both of you and your new baby. I will be saying prayers for you all.

Quoting evelester:“ Hello all, I am stressing right now and just think sharing my story and feelings right now might help ... [snip!] ... or lungs. thanks so much for listening, I am sure i am just being emotional and parinoid and that everything will be ok..”

When I was like 10, the family that used to watch my brother and I in the morning had a tragic situation very similar to your's. I remember when they had brought the bundle of joy home, and just a few months later, the same situation happened. I was very sad that that had happened to them, and I know the pain that SIDS causes. I don't know if you believe, but put your faith in God, and know that there is a plan and design that doesn't make sense to us human beings, but will all make sense when the truth is revealed. I pray that your next baby will be nothing but happy memories.