Maybe I Just Need To Say It [lvery ong]

I feel like I just need to get this out there. You don't need to read it.

It's my story and multiple confessions. I'm not a good person. Sorry.

My boyfriend and I started dating in June of last year, we ended up having a long distance relationship while he worked in Idaho Falls to make enough money to move back so we could be together.

The first few months I didn't think it was as serious as it really was, because he was in a different state we didn't get to see eachother very much [he came back to visit a few times.] At the end of August I did something very, very stupid. I used to be really into drugs, and when my ex came back into town [he was on leave from the army], we did a bunch of drugs and ended up having sex. I called my boyfriend the next day and broke up with him [I was still VERY high when I did this] and told him he deserved a LOT better than me.

He didn't believe me, and even though we were broken up he continuted to work twenty hour days to save the money to buy a car and move back, which he did some time in October/November. I was still WAY to nervous to be around him [something that was very hard because his best friend was dating my roommate, and i was exploring friend's with benefits with his other best friend] and every time I saw him I felt like some one stabbed me in the heart. He kept trying to get back together with me, even just go out to lunch or breakfast or something and I kept saying no, saying I was busy, not answering my phone.

...He finally ended up getting me to come over to his house [my roommate had moved in there] and we all ended up watching some movies, until every one went to bed and it was just me and him. We talked a lot, and started building our relationship back up. I started to remember why I enjoyed talking to him so much, why I had enjoyed being with him so much. At the end of the month we decided to try it again, though every one knew that for the entire month we were spending more time together than with any one else.

On January 1st, we were an official couple again. On January 1st, he lost his virginity to me... And on January 21st we found out we were pregnant. Yeah. Poor kid, I know.

[By the time we started dating again, I had STOPPED doing drugs all together.]

Not the end of the story though. At the end of February I made one of the stupidest choices of my life. We were still confused on what we were going to do with the baby, I had just told my parents I was pregnant, and I was just in general very upset because one of my really good friends had died a week before. I ended up sleeping with my ex, who was Nathan's roommate and really good friend, and who was my best friend's boyfriend.

Yeah, every one feel free to shoot me now.

I told Nathan a week later, the stress from keeping it from him actually made me so sick I had to go into the hospital. We talked about it, we worked through a lot of issues. [It wasn't until three or four months later the guy told his girlfriend, which wasn't our business because by then Nathan and I had become recluses.] It was something that he forgave me for. I knew I had made a lot of bad choices in my life, and Nathan and I both needed something to show eachother that things like that were never going to happen again... I got my tattoo last week that says [origional, I know] 'Never Again'.

Here's the kicker. I want to die because of what I did to him. Because of how much I hurt him. I can't look at him and know that I was capable of doing what I did. The real, honest reason I'm still alive right now is because there is another life inside me. I can't kill myself with a little girl inside me.

So on Sunday, when they thought something was wrong because she hadn't moved in a few days, a part of me wished it was true, because then I could finally... Disappear from the world.

I told Nathan this yesterday.

I can't even touch my stomach.

I feel like a monster.

Sorry for wasting your time.

you got a tattoo when you were pregnant???? I thought you couldnt do that because it can hurt the baby.

It's perfectly fine. There's no more risk than if you weren't pregnant.

You just have to be a lot more careful because if you get an infection, it's not just you that you're infecting.

Quoting SHAl2A+MiKiT0=L0V3:“ you got a tattoo when you were pregnant???? I thought you couldnt do that because it can hurt the baby.”

She just admitted something that was killing her
And obviously she is hurt about it all..
And youre worried about a tattoo?
If anything Id be worried about her obvious depression and how she is feeling.. not about a tattoo



OP- Im sorry you feel that way and everything.. Im sure once your baby gets here tho you wont feel that way anymore
I can honestly say that I have felt that same exact way several times... thatI wouldnt be here if it wasnt for him and I wish I could just end it... but then I always regret even thinking that..
I believe that it will go away and its just depression and fear and all the stress of what is going on
I wish you luck <33

It will get easier. I was VERY suicidal after my son was born and the only thing that kept me alive was not having anyone to take care of him. I wasn't in your situation, but as long as your boyfriend accepts you and your flaws, be happy that you have that kind of relationship. If you love him, and he loves you, you obviously have what it takes to make it. Your baby is just a bonus way of looking at all of the triumphs your relationship can overcome.

Oh wow. You are NOT a monster. Yes, you've made some bad choices, but nothing that bad that you should consider yourself such a horrible person. We've all done stupid things. Learn from your mistakes, try not to make the same ones again, and maybe consider talking to your doctor (or a trusted friend - that is not involved in the situation) about your feelings. Also, you should try to talk to someone now, before the baby is born because if you feel miserable now, it won't get much better when she's crying and you're not getting any sleep. Good luck to you. It will get better one day.  

MAybe you should go talk to someone.  Im not saying this to be mean, but if your feeling this badly, talking to a therapist or counselor can help.  I would hate to see you do something harmful to yourself or your baby.  Obviously your having a hard time, and it's not your fault.  It easier to feel better with help.  Good luck, and congrats on your baby  

I'm sorry. You made bad choices but the worst part is your wishing for the death of your child so that you can die. How selfish is that. Grpow up it's not all about you any more there is a living being inside of you and that's what should matter. and after she's born she'l need you still to be her mother to be her role moddel through life. You need to change or that child will grow up to be exactly like you do you really what that to happen?

you are NOT a horrible person. The number one reason that I can tell that you are not, is because you actually feel bad about everything. It seems like you have another chance with a GREAT guy that seems to really forgive you and want to get on with life. You seem very lucky to me, and it will pass. Love the baby, love your man.

I know I messed up.

Thanks for your advice.

Sorry for wasting your time, ladies.

you are not a bad person or a monster.... you made bad choices...you admitted them to the one you love (that is HUGE, it is something a lot of people can't do!) and he forgave you- because HE LOVES YOU! I def think you need to talk to someone b/c its not good for you to be thinking about harming yourself...and after the baby is born, and there is a risk of PPD anyways, it really can just make you worse... please talk with someone... and try to focus on the positives in your life- you are with a man that loves you unconditionally- you have a brand new life growing inside of you! if you ever need someone to talk to pm me... I hope that just getting all of these feelings out of you was thereputic!

I honestly think that you are really messed up and I'm worried that your kid will turn out messed up. Do you honestly think that your boyfriend or whatever he is to you deserves to be with someone like you or does he deserve to be happy. I know your going to say that he is happy with you but he is obviously very inexperienced and does not have a lot of self esteem.

I'm sorry that you just want a pitty party saying "no don't kill yourself..everyone makes mistakes" but come on..you didn't just fuck up ONCE..not TWICE..not THREE times...but four or more. How is it a "mistake" if you continue to do it? Is the baby even your boyfriends? I mean you do get around. Have you been checked for AIDS? I am not sure how it is in your state but I really hope you didn't give your poor baby and your boyfriend anything.

One last thing..if you HONESTLY wanted to kill yourself..you would just do it. You wouldn't make little posts about it online and whine and cry and moan because you are understandably underserving of that man. My sister is suicidal and you know what she DOESN'T sit there and complain and threaten it. SHE TRYS..and I have almost lost her more than once.Don't get me wrong I def understand sucidal people..but you are just not one of them.

You are sick in the head..and I hope if the kid IS his..that he takes it and leaves you because there is no need to have another you in this world.

try to do better with yourself..reading this made me sick.

Hope you manage to get some help, you sound so down.

Maranda, the OP is clearly asking for help and you should never dismiss anyone who says that they are feeling suicidal.

None of us live her reality we can only go by what she is telling us. What may seem silly or foolish to you, is very real and obviously very painful to her.

OP there is lots of help around, everyone does make mistakes, everyone has second thoughts but there rae lots of options out there. Sometimes you just need to talk things out, sometimes you need a bit more help.

I hope you manage to find some peace..

Quoting Maranda Laura:“ I honestly think that you are really messed up and I'm worried that your kid will turn out messed up. ... [snip!] ... you because there is no need to have another you in this world. try to do better with yourself..reading this made me sick.”

i do not think anyone has the right to judge whether or not someone else is suicidal just from their own previous experience. even professional health care providers make mistakes about whether or not they believe someone is actually at that point and i doubt you are a professional. 
and if reading this made you sick then you should not have finished. she actually said at the beginning that she was not looking for replies or anything else so why bother wasting your time just trying to make her feel worse?

op-everyone makes mistakes. you should really talk to your doctor about your feelings concerning everything. talking to your b/f might help a little but your doctor can help make the call as to whether or not this is something more than just normal bad feelings following a stressful time or bad decisions. good luck!

Quoting Maranda Laura:“ I honestly think that you are really messed up and I'm worried that your kid will turn out messed up. ... [snip!] ... you because there is no need to have another you in this world. try to do better with yourself..reading this made me sick.”

LMAO. you saying "if you honestly wanted to kill yourself you'd just do it" is the same as me saying if your sister was suicidal you wouldnt have caught her trying to. 0.0