Help me..

So, I was looking forward to a baby bump like a lot.. To everything that comes along in pregnancies.. But when Lynnea was born, I didn't get a bump. I was so depressed.. I didn't have anyone with me at all times, no one was growing inside me.. and the worst part was, I didn't have her here at home with me.. She was in the NICU.. I wanted to be pregnant so bad.. It hurt so bad.. I begged and begged alex, but he's a jerk (a smart one >>;;) and said no.
Now that she's gone.. That emptiness was never filled.. It just got bigger.. I feel it's consuming.. I want to hold her so bad.. I want a baby so bad, I've always wanted one. And finally to get the most perfect baby ever and have her be taken away from me so soon.. it's heartbreaking..
I just can't stand this lonely feeling anymore.. It's waaaay too soon to even think about TTC, but I just can't help it..
Part of me feels like she'd feel forgotten.. I don't want that.. I'd never forget her.. I just couldn't possibly go a day without thinking about her.
I begged alex again tonight.. He told me we had to wait at least until he's halfway done with college.. That's a year.. It's a good time I guess.. but I don't know if I can wait that long...
School wouldn't be an issue for me, it wasn't this time, it won't be next time right? The family would kill me if I made such a stupid decision though... >>;;
I'm going to stay strong for her..just hopefully I don't fall apart on the inside...


This is all probably my emotions talking.. I know she's watching over me.. I just wish I knew what was best..

Girl, you never will know what is best. I completely understand everything you are saying. EVERYTHING. Your feelings as sooo valid. I lost my daughter to SIDS. I kew I needed another one right away but it was soo hard for me also. with the torn feelings. Feeling like you are replacing and all of that.

I am here anytime if you need to bitch, talk, complain, anything.

Quoting Em&Amber'sMomma:“ Girl, you never will know what is best. I completely understand everything you are saying. EVERYTHING. ... [snip!] ... feelings. Feeling like you are replacing and all of that. I am here anytime if you need to bitch, talk, complain, anything.”

Did you have another right away? Or did you wait?
Thankyou..

Sweetie, it really is the emotions talking. You need to get over Lynnea first. Getting pregnant again so soon after losing her would make you an emotional wreck. You'd be so worried the entire time. Give it some time, then think about it.

Quoting ♡ 5/20/08-6/12/08 &:“ So, I was looking forward to a baby bump like a lot.. To everything that comes along in pregnancies.. ... [snip!] ... the inside... This is all probably my emotions talking.. I know she's watching over me.. I just wish I knew what was best..”

so so sorry for your loss.... I dont think theres ever a right time to ahve a baby but if you feel as though you should wait and are a little iffy on the situation I would say wait too...although sometimes it does take a while to concieve and your bf will be finished school by the time the new baby is born...some mums just have to ahve a baby in their arms so for them ttc right away is the right thing to do...best of luck with your decision...  

I'm so confused right now.. I'll have to talk to some people about it.. Alex probably will make me wait.. And I f I don't want to, I may have to rape him. ((kidding.... >>;; maybe xDD))
uh.. god... Today was the best/worst day of my life..
Best because I got to hold my precious baby...
Worst because I had to say goodbye to my precious angel..

My only advice on TTC would be that you owe it to your next baby to be in the best health you possibly can be. So take the time and live as if you were TTC only be taking the BC, eat healthy, be very active, get awesome grades, your emotion's (Which have to be all over the library far less a mere page), and all that. I would believe that it would also be best for Lynnea, becasue she'll know you are trying to do the best you can for her baby Brother/Sister, so her job as gaurdian won't be quite so hard. She'll know that this is her gift to them, you being in the best shape possible, physically, mentally, & emotionally. And that will be the best gift you can give her, the best chance for her sibs. And remember that you did your best by Lynnea aswell. You loved her and held her when she needed you the most, you also made the decision she needed you to. I know many people who neither could have made that decision, or even been there for their child in similar situations.

Quoting ♡ 5/20/08-6/12/08 &:“ Did you have another right away? Or did you wait? Thankyou..”

Yes. we pretty much started trying 6 weeks after we had her. She died at 4 days old. I had her in Sept 06 and I had my daughter Amber in dec 07.

Quoting ♡ 5/20/08-6/12/08 &:“ I'm so confused right now.. I'll have to talk to some people about it.. Alex probably will make me wait.. ... [snip!] ... day of my life.. Best because I got to hold my precious baby... Worst because I had to say goodbye to my precious angel..”

its sooo natural to be confused!! you will be i think for the rest of your life. losing a child is a lifelong struggle. it's been 20 months since i lost my girl and it still is a huge struggle. having another child has helped in some ways and has made it harder. i wasnt able to heal because i went straight from grieving to being pregnant after a loss. oh wow and the emotions that come with that are insaine.

I think I am begining to understand a bit more.. I will wait until I am ready, emotionally, physically, and mentally.. I owe it to her...

Fucking hell. I can't stop crying. Your story is so sad. I truly hope you find peace with the whole situation. xx

Quoting Nicole B:“ Fucking hell. I can't stop crying. Your story is so sad. I truly hope you find peace with the whole situation. xx”

i agree with you, its truelly heartbreaking

I don't exactly know what you're going through, but I read your story earlier and have read all your other posts and I know that if I was in your position I'd probably want to do the same thing you want to do. I can't even imagine how you feel right now, it's just heartbreaking!!
I hope that one day you get to have the "baby bump" and all those things you missed out on. You're an amazing girl and keep your head up.
Goodluck with everything
-Khyryn

Oh I KNOW that feeling of need and want to have another one. The doc probably told you to give your body 6 months. Thats the normal wait time for after having a baby before you should conceive again. We waited 3 months. Right now you're going to go through a million emtions. Things that you wouldn't think would bother you will you cry. Things that you think should might not. It's all individual and it's all something we have to go through after loosing a little one. I will warn you now that your boyfriend will probably not think the same way about it as you do. Thats been a common thread I've found. But he has to deal with it his own way you yours. Like I said in my PM I'm here for you. Our experiances are almost identical, so please don't hesitate to lean on me.

Quoting Irishewwie:“ Sweetie, it really is the emotions talking. You need to get over Lynnea first. Getting pregnant again ... [snip!] ... losing her would make you an emotional wreck. You'd be so worried the entire time. Give it some time, then think about it.”

You might not have meant for it to come out like that but don't ever tell a grieving mother thatshe needs to "get over"her child again.