3 Months Later...Vent

Well, it's been a long 3 months since the birth/loss of my daughter. I still often find myself shedding tears now and then but I'm growing slowly and putting myself back together. I still feel like I'm missing apart of me or I really want to be a mother again to someone. Even though she's not here and I'm her mom, there's just that hole in me that's not filled. She was my first daughter, my first actual baby I felt kick in me, even though I have a son, he wasn't active much thru his 6 months I carried him. Even down to when my water broke and I still felt her kicking, I still remember just crying myself to sleep saying sorry and I love her deeply. Even after having her and it didn't bother me that she born a sleeping angel and I was happy they let me hold her and have her around for 6hrs. I still remember everybody crying and I was the only one that was looking like, I'm happy she's here. I didn't feel like she was gone, I'm not sure why the feeling didn't come right away, but the moment the nurse had to take her, I broke into a million of pieces. That's when I realized that the love I've build up in the past 5 months for her torn me, that somehow I grown a deep hole in my heart that I'm still trying to close up. I wanted to be alone so badly, even I told my S/O not to bring my son to the hospital because I had this feeling something wasn't going to go right but he did anyways. I was happy for a while once seeing my son until he didn't want me touching him or holding him and he cried, my goodness, that moment broke me down. I've never cried harder.

Didn't expect to vent but I couldn't stop typing...  

I just recently received an RSVP invite to an memorial service the hospital is doing for her and other families who suffered a lost recently and I'm having the toughest time on deciding if my S/O and I should go. He would only go if I do and I'm stuck on it. I'm not sure why I can't make up my mind on this...

I'm so sorry for your loss. 
I'll be praying for healing for you.

Quoting Lady GooGoo™:" I'm so sorry for your loss.  I'll be praying for healing for you."

Ty

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my first baby boy last February at 26 weeks. Hardest thing I did was bury my baby. But I promise it gets better. I did little things. The nurse took pictures for me and I made a baby book. No one ever wants to see it, but I have it. I just wanted to do something for him, I wanted to let him know that even though he was gone I still loved him and cherished everything about him. I decorate his grave for all the holiday's. All the first's where hard. 4Th of july, halloween, xmas, and then his first year birthday last month was hard. But doing these little things for him, makes me feel better. I am pregnant now and very scared but I feel like my baby and I have a very strong guardian angel watching over us. I would say go to the get together, it may make you feel empowered that you are doing something for your child. If not find some other way to connect. People don't understand that you just can't get over things like this, you can't bury your pain and pretend everything is ok. But that is just my opinion. Sorry so long I just feel your pain.

Quoting Angel Wings:" Well, it's been a long 3 months since the birth/loss of my daughter. I still often find myself shedding ... [snip!] ... if my S/O and I should go. He would only go if I do and I'm stuck on it. I'm not sure why I can't make up my mind on this..."

I am so sorry for your loss   I do think you should go to the memorial service. I know it may be stepping out of your comfort zone, but since the loss of my daughter I have gone to different things and it truly is healing in some ways and you don't want to regret not going.

Quoting Michelle459:" I know exactly how you feel. I lost my first baby boy last February at 26 weeks. Hardest thing I did ... [snip!] ... this, you can't bury your pain and pretend everything is ok. But that is just my opinion. Sorry so long I just feel your pain."

Thanks for that...Kinda made me teary eyed. I just might go but I feel like I will just burst out into tears once I get there. It's the imagines and memories of it that just seems all bad. I use to open up my daughter's little box that has her outfit she wore and the hospital bands we never got the chance to wear like all the other parents who were going home with their babies...I just can't even look at the box without wanting to cry sometimes.

Quoting treann79:" I am so sorry for your loss   I do think you should go to the memorial service. I know it may be stepping ... [snip!] ... of my daughter I have gone to different things and it truly is healing in some ways and you don't want to regret not going. "

You're right, I don't want to regret not going or experience that moment, I just find it difficult since I didn't have no to confide in or everyone treated my loss like it's something I should get over and move on from...For some odd reason, I don't even sleep like I use to since I had her. I stay up over 36hrs before my body crashes and then I wake up like 2hrs later to take care of my son. This has really changed my life.

im so sorry for your loss. i think u should go to the memorial service.it might give u the acknowledgement u deserve as her mother.

Quoting slayera:" im so sorry for your loss. i think u should go to the memorial service.it might give u the acknowledgement u deserve as her mother."

TY, I'm considering it.

Quoting Angel Wings:" Well, it's been a long 3 months since the birth/loss of my daughter. I still often find myself shedding ... [snip!] ... if my S/O and I should go. He would only go if I do and I'm stuck on it. I'm not sure why I can't make up my mind on this..."

So sorry for your loss... It doesnt seem like it... but the pain does get easier to handle. <3 Thankfully you had that amazing 6 hours with her... <3

Quoting Heather&EJ+1:" So sorry for your loss... It doesnt seem like it... but the pain does get easier to handle. <3 Thankfully you had that amazing 6 hours with her... <3"

TY and your right, it was the best hrs. of my life that I'll always
remember