How do you cope? **LONG**
posted 19th Mar
So my friend told me about this website, I do not get online too often so I thougth I would make a quick account and talk about this subject. I do not know where else to turn. This is something I never talk to anyone about, I am so ashamed, just one of my friends that has been through something similar but after talking to just her, all of the time, I would like to talk to other women that have been through this. I thought that I had dealt with my emotions soo long ago. I thought that I had recovered and moved on with my life. I have had an abortion, a miscarriage, and I have one child. Yesterday I went to the same doc that performed my abortion to get the copper IUD. His nurse was so super nice, then she asked if I had seen the doctor before? I said yes I had been to the clinic. So she looked up my history, right away he rkindess turned to disgust, she was coordial but not like she was before she looked at my history. I did not blame her. I wanted to jump out of the window, I felt so sick and disgusted with myself. The doctor came in and he remembered me, I could not believe it. I thought that I had dealt with the emotions from my abortion so long ago.. but going back to see that doctor brought back the flood of memories... of the emotional pain, my selfishness, all the hate i felt for myself, everything. After I finished my appointment I rushed twoards the elevator... I could feel my chest getting tighter and tighter, I couldn't breathe, I had to brace myself on the wall, and I couldn't control the tears pouring from my eyes. I got into the elevator and tried to breath deeply and hold back the tears till I got to my car. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about what I did. I know I made the right decision at that point in time but I just hate myself. I thought that I had dealt with these emotions and I was at peace with my decision. But after being back in that office all of the hate and disgust I felt about myself came flooding back. I can hardly look in the mirror. It took everything I had to drag myself to work today. I just want to sit at home and cry and cry and cry. I cannot concentrate, I have a huge exam this week and I cannot bring myself to even study... I hate myself... I feel like I do not deserve happiness... I do not deserve the life I am living at this moment... I sicken myself at my ability to go on day after day after what I did. When I got to work today, my coworker was like wow you are so beautiful and well put together, how do you do that everyday? oh course I smiled and was kind but all I could think was NO I"m not beautiful I'm a disgusting awful smurfing human being. It just soo hard to describe how i feel right now, I keep using the same words - hate, disgust,... but simply saying that cannot even describe the degree of hate and disgust I feel for myself. I just thought this was something that I accepted and dealt with. When I think about it every day, I have always felt so sad...even when i see my mother who was unable to have children I feel such shame and regret. I feel like look at me with this beautiful gift of an ability that I have abused and my amazing mother that was unable to have children, I feel ike what I did was a slap in the face to her and it kills me everytime I see her. But wtih everyday since it happened I am able to around her more and more. But when I was back at the doctors office, in the same room, with the same doctor... it was like It just happened. Its like all the emotional healing I have done since having it done, has been stripped away and I am right back in the moment. Anyone that has had an abortion, how do you cope? How did you heal? I thought I had but obviously I have not. How do I forgive myself?quotesmurfs?
posted 19th Mar
You shouldn't have to forgive yourself because you did nothing wrong. You even said you made the right decision at that moment and time. That's where the focus needs to be. And it's not your fault of other women cannot bear children. Your fertility has no bearing on anyone else so please get that out of your head. We are our own worst enemy. You're killin yourself girl I think it's time you discuss how you feel with a mental health professional. Help is out there. You don't have to handle this on your own.quote