How do you cope? **LONG**

So my friend told me about this website, I do not get online too often so I thougth I would make a quick account and talk about this subject. I do not know where else to turn. This is something I never talk to anyone about, I am so ashamed, just one of my friends that has been through something similar but after talking to just her, all of the time, I would like to talk to other women that have been through this. I thought that I had dealt with my emotions soo long ago. I thought that I had recovered and moved on with my life. I have had an abortion, a miscarriage, and I have one child. Yesterday I went to the same doc that performed my abortion to get the copper IUD. His nurse was so super nice, then she asked if I had seen the doctor before? I said yes I had been to the clinic. So she looked up my history, right away he rkindess turned to disgust, she was coordial but not like she was before she looked at my history. I did not blame her. I wanted to jump out of the window, I felt so sick and disgusted with myself. The doctor came in and he remembered me, I could not believe it. I thought that I had dealt with the emotions from my abortion so long ago.. but going back to see that doctor brought back the flood of memories... of the emotional pain, my selfishness, all the hate i felt for myself, everything. After I finished my appointment I rushed twoards the elevator... I could feel my chest getting tighter and tighter, I couldn't breathe, I had to brace myself on the wall, and I couldn't control the tears pouring from my eyes. I got into the elevator and tried to breath deeply and hold back the tears till I got to my car. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about what I did. I know I made the right decision at that point in time but I just hate myself. I thought that I had dealt with these emotions and I was at peace with my decision. But after being back in that office all of the hate and disgust I felt about myself came flooding back. I can hardly look in the mirror. It took everything I had to drag myself to work today. I just want to sit at home and cry and cry and cry. I cannot concentrate, I have a huge exam this week and I cannot bring myself to even study... I hate myself... I feel like I do not deserve happiness... I do not deserve the life I am living at this moment... I sicken myself at my ability to go on day after day after what I did. When I got to work today, my coworker was like wow you are so beautiful and well put together, how do you do that everyday? oh course I smiled and was kind but all I could think was NO I"m not beautiful I'm a disgusting awful smurfing human being. It just soo hard to describe how i feel right now, I keep using the same words - hate, disgust,... but simply saying that cannot even describe the degree of hate and disgust I feel for myself. I just thought this was something that I accepted and dealt with. When I think about it every day, I have always felt so sad...even when i see my mother who was unable to have children I feel such shame and regret. I feel like look at me with this beautiful gift of an ability that I have abused and my amazing mother that was unable to have children, I feel ike what I did was a slap in the face to her and it kills me everytime I see her. But wtih everyday since it happened I am able to around her more and more. But when I was back at the doctors office, in the same room, with the same doctor... it was like It just happened. Its like all the emotional healing I have done since having it done, has been stripped away and I am right back in the moment. Anyone that has had an abortion, how do you cope? How did you heal? I thought I had but obviously I have not. How do I forgive myself?

You are not an awful person! smurf those people in the doctors office. They dont know your life and whay goes on. How long has it been since your abortion?

You shouldn't have to forgive yourself because you did nothing wrong. You even said you made the right decision at that moment and time. That's where the focus needs to be. And it's not your fault of other women cannot bear children. Your fertility has no bearing on anyone else so please get that out of your head. We are our own worst enemy. You're killin yourself girl   I think it's time you discuss how you feel with a mental health professional. Help is out there. You don't have to handle this on your own.

Quoting Just Ames:" You shouldn't have to forgive yourself because you did nothing wrong. You even said you made the right ... [snip!] ... time you discuss how you feel with a mental health professional. Help is out there. You don't have to handle this on your own."

This 

Quoting Yurvette [♥]:" You are not an awful person! smurf those people in the doctors office. They dont know your life and whay goes on. How long has it been since your abortion? "

I had it when I was fourteen, I'm 24 now. But my miscarriage was last year and I found out b/c the guy I was with demanded I go in for a "consultation" to "discuss options" so they assumed I wanted another abortion when I planned on adoption. I just was going to try to convince him of it. B/c I knew if I had another one, I would never emotionally survive or recover afterward. so they did an ultrasound and the sac was empty, they oh like wow you're in luck. I still remember what they said and how happy he was and how smurfing disgusting and awful I felt.

Quoting Just Ames:" You shouldn't have to forgive yourself because you did nothing wrong. You even said you made the right ... [snip!] ... time you discuss how you feel with a mental health professional. Help is out there. You don't have to handle this on your own."

I have made appointments with therapists so many times, but I am so ashamed of myself and embarassed I cannot bring myself to discuss what has happened. Because I even hate myself I can only imagine what they will think if I talk about what happened.

Quoting *Whoknows*:" I have made appointments with therapists so many times, but I am so ashamed of myself and embarassed ... [snip!] ... to discuss what has happened. Because I even hate myself I can only imagine what they will think if I talk about what happened."

Girl you know what kind of stuff they hear? That's their job -to help people in need without judgement.

Quoting Just Ames:" Girl you know what kind of stuff they hear? That's their job -to help people in need without judgement. "

Oh I know, but it's like, when I say what happened out loud, it makes it so real, and the more i keep it inside I feel like maybe I could just forget about it or makes it less real... that sounds so messed up.

Nobody has the right to look down on you for having an abortion. It is birth control, a much needed one on occasion. Don't let this eat away at you. You're not a criminal so don't have that mindset about yourself! You've done nothing wrong.

Quoting *Whoknows*:" Oh I know, but it's like, when I say what happened out loud, it makes it so real, and the more i keep ... [snip!] ... the more i keep it inside I feel like maybe I could just forget about it or makes it less real... that sounds so messed up. "

You need to say it out loud to cope. Make it become real. So you can cope. You shouldnt be ashamed.

Quoting *Whoknows*:" Oh I know, but it's like, when I say what happened out loud, it makes it so real, and the more i keep ... [snip!] ... the more i keep it inside I feel like maybe I could just forget about it or makes it less real... that sounds so messed up. "

But it makes sense. However, that doesn't make it alright. It's OK to be vulnerable to the people who want to help you.

Quoting Just Ames:" But it makes sense. However, that doesn't make it alright. It's OK to be vulnerable to the people who want to help you."

I agree! Yes, you might not get to finish the sentence a few times without stopping. But you will be able to say it out loud one day without stopping and without the sting that you feel now.

Thank you everyone, I truly truly appreciate the positive support and suggestions. I will make another appointment with a therapist and try my best to let them help me.

Quoting *Whoknows*:" Thank you everyone, I truly truly appreciate the positive support and suggestions. I will make another appointment with a therapist and try my best to let them help me."

Best of luck! And in the mean time you have Baby Gaga  

Quoting *Whoknows*:" Thank you everyone, I truly truly appreciate the positive support and suggestions. I will make another appointment with a therapist and try my best to let them help me."

Good luck! <3 You have this forum to talk to people, even if its just typing over a computer. i have found bg to be my safe haven for my thoughts about everything.