It's been hidden for so many years..**LONG**

When I was 15 years old, I thought I knew it all. I thought I had everything under control, and I thought I could handle anything I got myself into..but I was so wrong. I met a guy, thought I was helplessly in love with him and I got pregnant. We hung out, maybe 3 times? Looking back at it, I laugh and think about how ridiculous it all seems.

I didn't even notice when my period was late, but did I ever notice when I was throwing up constantly. I shrugged it off and thought of it as the flu. After it had been going on for a while, I guess my grandma (who I lived with at the time) got suspicious. One day while she was at work, she called me to ask how I was feeling. I told her I was still throwing up, and couldn't even keep down the soup she had left me. She asked me if I was pregnant. I think deep down inside, I knew I was. I immediately told her, I thought I was. I took a pregnancy test, got a positive, and thought...hell, what am I going to do? I'm 15. I don't even have a job. After many sleepless nights, and tears, my grandma and me decided that it would be the best thing for me to get an abortion. I live in Canada, so most of the abortion was covered..we only had to pay $60.

I've tried so hard, for so many years, to keep this hidden...so hard, in fact, that so much of the situation has become very vague to me. Little details have been forgotten.

I got to the clinic for my appointment, and once I signed in, sat in a room full of other women. I remember being completely terrified, wanting to run out of the room and all the way back home. I went to talk to the counselor, who wanted to make sure I was making this decision for me, and nobody else. I told her I wasn't being forced, that I was only 15 and knew this was the right decision for me. I sat back down in the waiting room until it was time for me to go back for the procedure. I was told to take off everything from the waist down, put on the gown, leave my socks off and come out when I was done. I did as I was told. I remember shaking the entire time I was undressing. The nurse led me into the procedure room. I remember shaking, from a mixture of being terrified, and being so cold. I laid on the table and looked up at the ceiling. They had those flowers hanging from the ceiling, the stuffed ones with the wire stems, does anybody know what I'm talking about? And they had smiling faces..and I remember thinking, god, do they think this is going to make me feel any smurfing better? They gave me an ultrasound, told me I was 8 weeks pregnant. I looked at the screen and that's when the tears flooded. I wish I had never looked at the screen. I cried during the entire procedure. It was the most painful thing I had even experienced, and the doctor was so rough with me. Afterwards, I was led into a room lined with arm chairs, told to sit, gave some medications and some crackers, and left there for about 20 minutes. Then, I was given my prescription and told to leave.

This was 5 years ago, and I've told..maybe 5 people about my abortion. I now have a 20 month old daughter and I'm pregnant with baby #2. My boyfriend, and father of both of my children, doesn't know I've had an abortion before. I can't bring myself to tell him. He thinks very badly about abortions, and he makes me feel ashamed for having one, without even trying. I often wonder about the baby that I could have had... I still stand by my decision, because I was 18 when I had my daughter, and being a mother at 18 was so extremely difficult...I can only imagine how it would have been if I had done it at 15.

I don't know if anybody has read this, but I just needed..somewhere to get it out. I've been hiding a lot of bad stuff that's happened to me in the past, inside, and it's been tearing me apart. I don't have a lot of people in my life who aren't judgmental, and I guess, I just needed to tell my story.

I read this and cried.maybe its my crazy pregnancy hormones or just the thought of you at 15 seeing your baby on the screen. I remember tears of joy with all my kids at the first screen shot. I command you on over coming such a hard thing. Also being a young mom to your daughter that's something amazing as well. This will never go away but you can find support and help. Never let anyone make you feel bad over a huge choice you had to make at such a young age. Be proud of yourself and stay strong

I am sorry you had to go through that. I am sure you made the right decision at the time even know it hurt like hell.
I also had to go through something tramatic at a young age here is my story
http://forum.baby-gaga.com/about1800009.html sorry for the spelling.

I'm very sorry you had to go through that and how your boyfriend is, even though he doesn't know. That's a hard thing to tell and I hope you feel better getting it out there.

I'm sorry u went through that, there's alot of things that have happened to me, that I've just decided to take to the grave because i can handle when i know about them, but some people around me especially my husband, will never understand or even forgive me for...
ur not alone, please dont feel like u are...

You did the right thing. and had you not done it, you maybe wouldn't have your daughter or the baby you're currently pregnant with now.
I know if I hadn't aborted in 2009 I wouldn't have my two year old daughter now, even if I did still have the baby I'm currently pregnant with. and I wouldn't trade having my daughter for having that baby, because I wasn't ready to care for a baby when I aborted and my daughter means the world to me.
Off topic, but you're due the same day I was due with my daughter in 2010. Congrats.  
Best of luck.

mabe discussing things w/your boyfriend would help. He needs to understand the pain you are going through. Terminating was a choice you made as a 15yr old child yourself.....
Abortion, religon, family size, home/work responsibilties are all things that should be discussed in the beginning of a relationship to reduce conflict later on.
I pray u find the healing and comfort u need.

It's so hard to offer comfort to someone who hasn't totally come to terms with their decision, but knowing that you made the right one should bring you some comfort. You did what you could, and you're right-the quality of life you're able to give your children now probably wouldn't have been the same as when you were younger. That's all you can do, is remind yourself why you made the choice that you did.