Requested my Medical Records

I don't know why I'm really posting this but I'm sort of nervous because I just requested my medical records from when I was in a locked psych unit for 2 weeks back in 2010.

If you ever want real introspection, I don't think it gets more real than your medical records from a inpatient psych visit. I expect that reading them will spur on me writing another part to my mental health story on here.

I have seriously got a 'nauseated sick to my stomach' sort of feeling thinking about the kind of things that I'm going to read in my chart.

I guess I'm requesting my chart MAINLY because I'm trying to get scheduled for a new patient appointment with a psychiatrist where I'm living now because I want to be proactive when it comes to PPD/PPP at the end of my pregnancy/in my post-partum period (and I'd like them to have my records too). I have had some mood swings in this pregnancy already and it's hard to pin-point what is pregnancy hormone related and what is actually facets of bipolar disorder cropping back up.

I know that for the first month or two of THIS pregnancy I was OVERRUN with anxiety and depression instead of excitement and joy. I mean, we had TRIED to conceive this child but I couldn't get past these dark feelings once I got my BFP (very quickly too).

I guess I am just nervous about the possibly of being put on meds (something my ob and I have discussed for towards the end of pregnancy) and I'm sad about possibly NEEDING meds just to be a proud momma.

There are other times, too, that I wish I had known what I know now with my first pregnancy so I could have enjoyed my newborn/toddler instead of battling depression and mania.

UGH, I'm so nervous and conflicted!