Step Parents/Parental Figures

Hey everyone  

I have some questions for you:

If you got into a relationship with someone, would you have expectations for how they should treat your child? Would you expect or at least hope that they would love them in a semi-parental kind of way, or would you be okay with them simply respecting your children because they're yours, but never really getting emotionally attached, and simply "tolerating" them because they love you?

If you grew up with a step parent, how was it for you? If you have children currently, and you're in a serious relationship with someone, how do they get along with your children? If they say they love your children, or you love your step children, how long did it take? And did it get easier or harder as the child got older? Etc

Just curious   Thanks!!

I expect nothing other than a teammate. How they bond and the relationship they build is in their hands.

DH is DS's step dad. I had no "parental" expectations, not early on, at least.
He was the one who took on that responsibility for himself. My expectations were just that he was nice, and had no issues with my son. But it was easy for me because he loved DS before we were ever dating.

I had a terrible relationship with my step dad when I was younger. We have a good relationship now, but it took like, 20 years.

I've been with SO almost 3 years, and known the kids almost 2. The boys ( One mine, one his ) Don't tell him/I that they love us (at least not consistently) The girls (both his) tell me they love me all the time, that started a little over a year ago. They are older than the boys, and we never forced it on any of them, it's what their comfortable with!

SO treats my son amazingly, he leaves the more serious parenting up to me, but if i'm not in the room & Hayden needs disciplined, or needs a cup of juice or a snack he's absolutely willing to step in!

He gets along good with "my" 2 younger ones but him and my 16 year old bump heads & don't get along at all. We've been together 5 years

What if marriage came into the picture? Would you ever marry someone who never had an emotional connection to your kids? (And I mean kids you have full time, not kids who visit on weekends and live with the other parent)

Quoting Red Bottom:" I expect nothing other than a teammate. How they bond and the relationship they build is in their hands."

A teammate is necessary in all relationships, it's a shame they aren't like that usually though lol.

Quoting Mayhem.:" DH is DS's step dad. I had no "parental" expectations, not early on, at least. He was the one who took ... [snip!] ... had a terrible relationship with my step dad when I was younger. We have a good relationship now, but it took like, 20 years. "

Aw I'm glad it worked out well for you. Yeah, I hear you, I had an awful relationship with my moms boyfriend all through my childhood. I could tell he didn't want me, I was just a burden and he only wanted my mother, so we hated eachother lol.

Quoting Schmayder ♥:" I've been with SO almost 3 years, and known the kids almost 2. The boys ( One mine, one his ) Don't tell ... [snip!] ... if i'm not in the room & Hayden needs disciplined, or needs a cup of juice or a snack he's absolutely willing to step in! "

That's awesome that your SO is like that. My boyfriend is like that with DD, he has no problem doing things like that, but leaves the serious stuff up to me, which is the way I like it lol. What do the kids call you guys? Do the girls call you by your name, or mom? What about the boys?

Quoting M walls:" He gets along good with "my" 2 younger ones but him and my 16 year old bump heads & don't get along at all. We've been together 5 years"

That's a shame that your 16 yr old doesn't get along well with him. I know how that is, it was that way for me with my moms boyfriend growing up hahaha

I'm glad your concerned about this issue because speaking from experience my relationship with my stepfather failed. my mom and him meet when I was four. My real dad lived across the country, and I rarely saw him and didn't talk to him. Growing up my stepfather was my only only father figure. I always called him dan but I told people he was my dad because that's what I wanted him to be... Until I turned 13. for some reason everything changed then.I started having bf's, my mom and him found out I was having sex, and growing up like teenagers do. But it was like since I wasn't a cute little girl anymore it was time to move on from living at home and getting help from them. One day I overheard him telling my mom "I told you years ago I wanted nothing to do with raising her she's your kid". It broke my heart. This man who was my only father figure never saw me as his child?! He didn't even want anything to do with me? After that things got so bad. He would tell me he didn't give a sm**rf about what I did, would scream in my face four more years and your out!! He was so abusive verbally and emotionally, and all behind my moms back. And I could never tell her because I thought I was wrong, and would be the bad kid for ruining their relatio
nship. he finally convinced my mom to kick me out at 17. I moved to my dads family and reconnected with my dad, and it was amazing how immediately I felt unconditionally loved! That was what I had wanted from my stepdad all along, considering he'd been in my life since I was four. My advice would be make sure the man your with and marry

Isn't the kind of guy who will turn against your kids because he wants you to himself, or something. I'm still scarred from what happened, and I think a guy should either love your kids unconditionally like his own, or not at all.

Quoting ~*~Modern*Day*Delilah~*~:" That's awesome that your SO is like that. My boyfriend is like that with DD, he has no problem doing ... [snip!] ... is the way I like it lol. What do the kids call you guys? Do the girls call you by your name, or mom? What about the boys? "

By our names, there's been a few times his oldest (11) has called me mom but she just says whoops & we both giggle. They spend half their time at their mom's house and my son's dad is very involved so I don't really see that changing much as far as how they address us  

I'm a little late to this party, but oh well. lol.

The guy I'm in a relationship with now, actually we're living together, is amazing. And I would expect nothing less than what he does. For me it's not enough that they just respect my kids and get along with them, I want anyone I'm with to love my kids also. I'm not saying right out of the gate, but I certainly wouldn't marry someone who didn't love my kids or if my kids didn't love him.

Michael has taken on the full responsibility of being a parent. Also what I expect. We are a package deal. Especially if you're going to live together or get married.

I do step in if I feel like he's handling a situation in a way I don't agree with. They are MY children after all. But I think it's a good judge of how he'll treat our children if/when we have them in the future.

Quoting Carissa Biron:" I'm glad your concerned about this issue because speaking from experience my relationship with my stepfather ... [snip!] ... stepdad all along, considering he'd been in my life since I was four. My advice would be make sure the man your with and marry"

I completely 100% understand. I went through the exact same thing. My mom and her boyfriend got together when I was 3/4, and my mom and I were living at my grams at the time, from the time I was 3 to 11 years old. So he came over on weekends, and every time, I would be excited to see him, but he and my mom would always shun me so they could have "alone time"....mom and I shared a bedroom, and a bed, so mom would kick me out so they could have sex, and I'd have to spend the night with my grandma, and sleep on the couch until he left. It was awful. I loved him when I was little, and when we finally moved in together when I was 11, our relationship just kept getting worse. I remember when I was 12, and fathers day came up, I got him a step fathers card...I gave it to him, and he just glanced at it, said "oh, that's nice" and put it on a pile of papers. He gave no reaction at all, no i love you, no nothing...I overheard him talking to my mom how he wasn't my step dad and it was weird that I gave him the card- so from that day forward, I hated him and did everything I could to break them up. We fought constantly, until I finally got kicked out and was forced to live with my bio dad at 16.

My mom knew he treated me badly, would yell at me, call me names, and she was fine with it. She always yelled at me and said "Don't you DARE ruin this relationship for me! Stop trying to ruin my life! I love him!" and my response would be "Yeah, but don't you love me too?" and she'd always say the thing that pissed me off the most "It's a different KIND of love". To this day, when I hear that phrase, I feel my blood boil lol.

So I know what to look out for, because I vowed to never let my child go through what I did...I won't tolerate anything that I deem inappropriate father figure behavior. I wasn't planning on ever even dating again, but divorce happened, and well, here I am lol.