pregnancy jealously

Hi guys im kayla. Um a bit of a background:
When i was 15, im 19 now, i got Accidentally pregnant, durin my Pregnancy i miscarried at 4 months when my little sister ran an landed full force on my belly. I felt indifferent at first but the older i get the worse i feel. I love and hate seeing pregnant women, and babies. I feel like green with envy, i just remember being pregnant and feeling connected to him. I felt like i could hear his thoughts, and im single not really looking for a relationship and yet all i do is think about mu desire to have that beautiful innocence in my arms. My dreams are rarely about anything but me being a mom or being pregnant and i just dont know how to cope with this awkward jealousy

I'm So sorry   having a baby won't make the pain go away unless you are in the right position for another baby. It will feel so much more satisfying when you do get in a loving committed relationship and choose when to have a baby. Have u went to counseling over this? That may be helpful in order for you to sort out your thoughts and feelings and allow yourself to heal.

Ive been seriously looking for some kind of therapist cause after 4 years the feelings shouldnt keep getting worse. And i dont like to be in relationships i would rather be a single mom which i find odd as well. But its just how i feel. And i miscarried when my step mom was pregnant with my baby brother and after she had him she didnt want him so i took him for his first year and a half of life and he was like mine but when he turned 2 she changed.her mind and took him away from me. And is trying to make it so i cant see him cause he still calls me mom too. Im in such an odd place, what kind of counseling should i look for?