My labor story.. and not wanting kids again?

So it's about to be two months since I gave birth to my daughter. I didn't write it earlier because I'm trying to get over it, needed time to process. She was born on January 9, 2013 at 10:39 pm and weighed 7lbs 3oz. On Jan 6th, I started early labor and the contractions were at least 10 mins apart from 7am all the way through 11pm that day. At midnight they became a bit more constant I would say 6-7 mins apart for hours and the next morning they slowed down. They started again at 3pm and were 6-7 mins apart again, it was long and they were not steady at all to hard to tell what was going on. I felt everything in my back and some times it would switch up to both front and back. That night they seemed way stronger and moved down to 5mins apart lasting 1min. I decided to go to my birthing center and she checked me she said I was only 2cm dilated. So she sent me back home, told me to take a benadryl and get some rest. I couldn't... they became constant this time from 5mins apart down to 4, 3, and then 2-3 mins apart. All night and morning I listened to music and stayed standing rocking myself back and forth. I couldn't sleep on my back due to the back labor I was having so I wasn't sleeping for three days now. Around 8am I started having lots of bloody show and discharge, my contractions stayed 2-3mins apart... I really didn't know how long they lasted but I was still talking after they were done. I didn't want to focus on the last contraction I wanted to move forward and think that my baby would come soon. At 1pm I decided to go back to the birthing center with my family. My Midwife checked me again and said I moved down to 4cm but I stayed that way for 6hrs. I did exercises to try to move the babies position to my left side but it wasn't working because my placenta was there. Her being on the right just caused so much slow back labor, I wasn't progressing enough because of it. I couldn't take my family being there, concentrating, listening to everyone telling me to do something different. So I sent everyone home and stayed at the birthing center with my Fiance, Doula, and Midwife. They were all I needed honestly but my labor stayed the same it didn't move much and it wasn't til 2am that I moved down to a 6cm, now in active labor. I stayed at 6cm for two days it was exhausting... I was in natural labor for four days trying to get this baby out. I got in the tub for 3hrs, nothing. Stayed awake til the next morning and just walked outside but I still didn't progress. More exercises, bouncing ball, movies, and stayed the same. I knew why I wasn't moving forward.. my family kept telling different things and all I could do was focus on their voices in my head. I couldn't keep calm or focus plus my aunt was up my ass the whole time she wouldn't leave me alone. I didn't want her there or touching me. All I wanted was my Fiance and Doula I didn't feel rushed with them but at the same time I did because my Midwife said I wasn't progressing and that wasn't good for the baby. Meantime, Lori's heartbeat stayed strong for me I knew she wanted to be out here but something seemed wrong. At 5pm that day I finally told my Midwife I couldn't take it anymore and she transferred me to the hospital. The nurse tried giving me pitocin the whole time before the epidural but I know what it does to you and I kept refusing it because I know my rights. Waiting the whole time felt like forever and I tried ripping out my baby monitor and IV's out but my Fiance and Doula kept me strapped to the bed. I couldn't take being on the hospital bed I hated it! I needed to move around for the contractions and sway because laying on my back made it worse. I waited for an hour before I got an epidural, the stupid anesthesiologist poked me 6x before he got it in. Blaming me that my back was too small and the spaces were too small. After that I only felt it on one side of my body... I called the nurse to give me another anesthesiologist and when he performed it on one try he got it in perfectly... smurf that other guy. After the epidural was in place my Fiance said I instantly knocked out and slept for two hours. My body moved all the way to 8cm really quick but when I woke up I stayed that way til 9: 30pm. My baby wasn't taking the pitocin so well so her heart started dropping and I felt the urge to push but my Doula told me not too because I wasn't at 10cm yet and it would swell up my cervix. So with an epidural and being numbed I tried holding it back. Finally at 10pm the Doctor said we should perform a C Section because I've been in labor for too long almost going on to five days soon and that wasn't the best for the baby. I cried because I didn't want to be at the hospital I just wanted to go home and labor my baby there but I decided to get it because I knew it was the best for her. My family gave me a prayer before they rolled the bed to the surgical room. I really hated the c section it made me feel horrible being awake and having someone prodding my insides. I couldn't wait for it to be over with I even asked the Doctor if he was done yet. That's when I saw my Fiance come in and I felt so much more calm, we waited and heard the baby cry. I also heard the nurses say "Wow, look at all that hair.. she's precious". I couldn't wait to hold her I wanted her in my arms so bad. I gave her a kiss and they took her to the nursery, I couldn't wait to see her again. They rolled me back into the room then they brought her in and I finally got to hold her. She was beautiful, looks just like her Father. I would have to say the c section healing sooo much worse than being in labor. I'm emotionally trying to move on, I have nightmares of my c section going wrong and with no pain killers feeling the pain. I've contemplated whether I really would want another child in the future but I really don't. I can't see myself going through surgery again I don't even like hospitals which is why I chose a birthing center. My DF really wants a boy in the future but I can't. I'm okay with no sleeping, all nighters etc. that's fine I didn't sleep in college either but the surgery no way. I'm really content with just the three of us and focusing on Lori, she's amazing. Such a fast learner always talking and a crazy wiggler too doesn't stay still. I love her and she makes me happy..

im sorry to hear hat you never had the birthing experience you were hoping for.

Congrats on your baby!!!

Quoting my awesome boys:" im sorry to hear hat you never had the birthing experience you were hoping for. Congrats on your baby!!!"

Thank you, she's all I ever wanted and I'm extremely happy she's really healthy.

congrats on the baby!! give yourself some time...i think most women go thru a time after they give birth of feeling like they wouldn't want to do it again. but time has a way of smoothing things over. and remember...just because your first labor went that way doesn't mean your second would go the same way. it's a shame they made you do a c-section. in my opinion your baby would have come naturally given a bit more time. probably all your body needed was some rest, maybe they could have given you something to make you sleep for a few hrs. but the thing to focus on now is that she is here and is healthy.

Just because you had one c-section doesn't mean you will automatically always have to delivery that way. A LOT of women have VBACs very successfully. Also, if you do have another and a c-section is impending, scheduled c-sections are a WORLD of difference from emergency c-sections. My delivery with my oldest was a nightmare....several weeks of pre-labor, 36 hours of HARD labor, emergency c-section because he was in distress, epidural for surgery that didn't work, IV meds that make me not remember his first cry even, uterine infection because of how long it was after water broke, post-delivery hemmorage on my behalf...I was convinced I didn't want another for a long time. When he was 14 months old, I decided I wanted to TTC, and at 15 months, we found out he was going to be a big brother. Initially I wanted the VBAC, but my baby had CHD, so we went with the scheduled c-section instead....it was PERFECT. They use a different (and much better, imo) anasthetic for a scheduled c-section, and the entire process is much, much, much better. Don't let a bad delivery hold you back - there is life to be lived!

First i want to say congrats on your beautiful healthy little lady!!
Second, I'm sorry you had such a Difficult labor and delivery but try to remember that every baby, pregnancy, labor, and birth is a separate and unique experience. If you sit want more children that's fine but don't let a difficult delivery be the decidin factor for you. You could always have the natural delivery you wanted with the next one via vbac. Just don't make your mind up yet. It took me three years after my son's birth (natural, 42 hours, 4 hours of pushing and needed help with the vacuum) to finally decide I would do it again and I'm so glad I did otherwise I wouldn't have my daughter. Her Labor was 11 hours total, completely natural and I only pushed for 18 minutes before she entered the world. It was a completely different experience than with my first.

Congratulations on your baby girl! I had a horror story emergency cesarean, and I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant with number 2. I'm terrified, but I'm so excited to have another. Best of lucm and for me I'm still not over it 3.5 years later, but it got easier.

Omg sounds like a nightmare experience you had!   I can understand why you wouldn't want to go through that again. I feel the same way at the moment, lots went wrong when I was in labour + I had a dangerous reaction to the epidural, could have lost my little girl. I had to have a c section too but they had to pull the epi out in a hurry + gas me. She was ok once she was out though thank god. I really hope you can put that awful experience behind you and congrats on the birth of your little princess!  

Quoting Elle With Three &1/2:" Just because you had one c-section doesn't mean you will automatically always have to delivery that way. ... [snip!] ... and the entire process is much, much, much better. Don't let a bad delivery hold you back - there is life to be lived!"

I'm just really scared whether it's scheduled or not, I really can't take surgeries I'm not those who deal well with it and being pregnant again just waiting for the due date to be cut open... no way! The truth is I didn't want kids and after a failed birth control I decided to keep her I didn't even consider aborting. I would have been okay with an epidural and my hooch tearing but not the slicing and dicing. It's crazy to think I would rather be days in labor than that plus by the time she's 18 I'll be 40. I don't want to be 40 and still taking care of children.

Quoting Clairebear & Abbey G   ::" Omg sounds like a nightmare experience you had!   I can understand why you wouldn't want to go through ... [snip!] ... thank god. I really hope you can put that awful experience behind you and congrats on the birth of your little princess!  "

Well, were in the same boat and I do want to put this behind me. It made me fall into deep depression that I'm still working on. My godmother has one child, a daughter they're best friends and she's 19 now. She is living life at the age she is with her husband while still being a good mother. I feel complete with one, not to say that more kids are bad but, I have a kid and at this point it's better than none. Right now I can't say I never want another but it would be a 5-6 yr gap before I even consider TTC and let's see by than if my decision is still up. :/

Quoting I'm actually a virgin:" Congratulations on your baby girl! I had a horror story emergency cesarean, and I'm currently 25 weeks ... [snip!] ... but I'm so excited to have another. Best of lucm and for me I'm still not over it 3.5 years later, but it got easier."

Thank you, I hope it all goes well for you and the baby comes out perfectly healthy.

Quoting SavageDarling:" First i want to say congrats on your beautiful healthy little lady!! Second, I'm sorry you had such ... [snip!] ... and I only pushed for 18 minutes before she entered the world. It was a completely different experience than with my first."

I'm so worried I try for another natural labor and I still end up with an emergency c section.  

<blockquote><b>Quoting grizzy:</b>" Well, were in the same boat and I do want to put this behind me. It made me fall into deep depression ... [snip!] ... never want another but it would be a 5-6 yr gap before I even consider TTC and let's see by than if my decision is still up. :/"</blockquote>




I was depressed too after my daughter was born, it took a while to even bond with her. Since I was gassed I was unconscious for the c section + didn't come round properly for a few hours. I couldn't even hold her till the next day + I felt nothing for a while, I wanted to put her down again + cry. It just felt like 1 minute I was still pregnant then the next there was a baby there, it didnt feel like she was mine at all. Then I couldn't breastfeed either, my milk dried up before it even came in properly. They blamed the epi reaction for that but I felt like a failure. Thankfully that passed soon enough but it left me feeling I definitely am not in any hurry to do it all over again! Maybe in a few years I might change my mind. She has 2 half brothers on her dads side so I don't feel guilty for my way of thinking right now. My cousin had her daughter at 19, she was the quietest happiest baby ever + is a lovely little girl now but even my cousin doesn't want any more she's content with the one child she has. I haven't completely ruled out more children though, knowing me ill be wanting to ttc again in a few years time   I'm happy with just my daughter for now.

Quoting Clairebear & Abbey G   ::" <blockquote><b>Quoting grizzy:</b>" Well, were in the same boat and I do want to put ... [snip!] ... moreshowhtml children though, knowing me ill be wanting to ttc again in a few years time   I'm happy with just my daughter for now."

Everything you said is exactly how I feel... I felt she wasn't mine for a while. I kept thinking "There's a baby in my room and she's mine but it doesn't feel that way" I was confused, lost, felt like a failure, and miserable. I love her but I felt she didn't love me back it's just now almost 2mos PP that I'm accepting my new baby.. it's hard. I can't see myself going through that again for a while. I suffered from depression before and I felt having a baby made it worse and I really don't want to put that stress on my child because of my emotions she doesn't deserve it, no child does. I'm working on myself to be better for her. I need to be completely healed before another child because I know it will pile on my stress. My daughter deserves the best and I want to be the best for her.

<blockquote><b>Quoting grizzy:</b>" Everything you said is exactly how I feel... I felt she wasn't mine for a while. I kept thinking "There's ... [snip!] ... another child because I know it will pile on my stress. My daughter deserves the best and I want to be the best for her. "</blockquote>

It does get easier. I'm 10 months pp now + the whole time just flew by. I think my daughter was the same age ie 2 months when I started feeling better + more like a mother. She was a difficult baby though, severe acid reflux, barely sleeping + always crying I was like a zombie for a while! But it's really great when they start interacting with you more, smiling, giggling, cooing etc and really recognising you more. My daughter is a happy little girl now, bit of a diva lol + stubborn too but her reflux is finally clearing up + shes sleeping much better. She's more settled + more content, I can't believe how much better I feel lately!   oh it's hard alright, getting used to being a mother + having a little baby totally dependent on you but I wouldn't change anything. I still look back + wish I hadn't been depressed after having her, I feel I missed out a bit when she was newborn + really young but I'm going to focus on our future now + make sure she has the happiest + best childhood I can give her. If any more children come along ill love them the same but I'm content for now!