I want to cheat on my SO (bg secrets)

Now before you start calling me names and jump to conclusions, I would NEVER actually go through with it. I can't help the way I feel.

My SO and I have been together for almost 6 years and we have a 2.5 year old together. I love him, and I care about him, but i don't think I have EVER been IN love with him.
When we started dating, I had been out of a relationship with my first real love for about 2 years and I still wasn't over it. I had dated a few guys in between, but we were never officially together and I never had sex with the other guys. (just my "first love")
I wanted so badly to be in love again and be in a relationship, so when SO asked me to be his girlfriend I said yes, even though I wasn't very attracted to him. But he was sweet and he liked me a lot so I gave it a chance.
Well I grew to love him, but I never felt in love with him the way I felt with my first love.
We TTC for 2 years, and finally got pregnant with our daughter. While I was pregnant, I got really sick with hyperemesis and I was on bed rest. During that time, he started getting drunk every night and being very mean to me.
That continued until LO was about 1.5 years old. Fast forward to now, he completely quit drinking and he treats me better. But we still argue and I think he can be rude and disrespectful sometimes.

Lately I have been having dreams about guys that I dated in the past.
Obviously these aren't good guys, It didn't work out with them for good reasons. But I keep having sexual dreams about these guys! And when I wake up I feel so turned on  
There is one guy I dated and I was very attracted to him, but he was a cheater so we never were boyfriend/girlfriend but we just flirted a lot and kissed but never had sex because I didn't want to get hurt.
Then there is this other guy who I've known since elementary school. We were friends, then in middle school he kissed me and that was my first kiss. We stayed friends but kissed sometimes. We both really liked each other but never went any farther than friends. Then I met my "first love" he cheated on me with a friend and really broke my heart, I was confused and heartbroken and my guy friend I knew since elementary school started getting jealous and tried really hard to get with me. I think since I was so hurt and confused, I told my friend I loved him. He told me he has always loved me but I had a boyfriend do he didn't want to tell me before.
After that, for some reason, we kind of stopped talking. And part of me regrets that I didn't take things farther with him because we both really loved each other. It was just weird ad I don't know why I pushed him away.

Another guy that I've been dreaming about, is another childhood friend. His family and my family are friends so we have known each other since we were babies. Honestly, I was never attracted To him, not even a little bit but we just grew up as friends. But he was always flirty with me our whole lives.
We grew up, and he is a really great guy but we rarely ever talk.

One reason why I am not attracted to my SO is because I don't look at him like he is a "real man" I want a guy who takes care of me. I don't want to feel like I have to protect him, worry about him, and take care of him.
And he is just so immature. He just annoys me and the only way I know how to discribe it is that he is not man enough for me.
I think I've been dreaming about those other guys is because something about them was so sexy to me. I look at them as manly and it makes me
So attracted to them. I can't help it but it makes me want to cheat on SO. Like I am just craving the feeling of a "real man" and I don't get that from SO. Ugh I'm so frustrated and confused.
A part of me wishes I gave my childhood guy friends a chance because they turned out to be really great guys. But it's just too late now.

And a part of me wants to work things out with SO because in a way, I still want to be with him. I'm not ready to leave him. So please don't suggest I leave him. That's not gonna happen yet. We are planning n counciling wen we can afford it, but until then does anyone have any advice to help me stop having these dreams? I just wish SO had more of the qualities I am craving. In some ways he is I good guy like he works really hard and never complains, he has always supported LO and I, and he is a great dad. I just don't feel like he could "protect" me if he needed to. I feel like imthe one who has to always protect him. Andnhenis just bitchy and Whitney and its not very manly or attractive to me.
And plus he is just an ass hole.

I know I sound like a horrible slutty ungreatful bitch but i swear I'm not.
Anyone go through this? Any advice???
I feel so guilty about having theses dreams but at the same time it just turns me on so much thinking about beig with one of those guys. Ugh!

Sorry for any type-o's I tried to wright this fast before SO sees it.

The only advice I can give you is to go seek counselling in order to help you work through those feelings you have. You'll never get things sorted without some kind of help...especially since you're so torn on if you want to stay or go.

Well if you have never found him attractive I don't know how you lasted this long. I know you don't want to hear it but it does sound like you have never loved him and you just kinda settled for comfort.

Honestly, it sounds like your relationship with him was doomed from the very start. You don't want to hear what I have to say, so I won't even get into it.

I'll admit..i feel like you just typed my story..though I never think about cheating on my SO..I think about leaving him..but I'm also torn about it. I don't feel in love...and I want to be in love. I can't fall asleep at night because it stresses me out so bad and I think of other guys i've dated as well...as well as dream about them. I am thinking about going to counseling.

<blockquote><b>Quoting ღFrodoliciousღ:</b>" The only advice I can give you is to go seek counselling in order to help you work through those feelings ... [snip!] ... have. You'll never get things sorted without some kind of help...especially since you're so torn on if you want to stay or go. "</blockquote>



I want things to work, and I want to WANT to stay. I just want SO to act like a man and not a whiney little baby and I want him to be respectful and nice to me.

Quoting BG Secrets:" <blockquote><b>Quoting ღFrodoliciousღ:</b>" The only advice I can give you ... [snip!] ... to WANT to stay. I just want SO to act like a man and not a whiney little baby and I want him to be respectful and nice to me."

what is he a whiny little baby about? How old is he?

I mean, he's a handsome guy, I just was never so drawn to him like I was with my first love. I feel like every relationship I ever had after my first love, i keep comparing. And I'm sad that I feel like I will never have what I had before  

Sounds like you rushed into it with your so.

I would go through with the counseling, that may help but there is nothing unusual about fantasizing about other partners aside from your so.

However, it doesn't sound like he will ever be your type.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Blythe.:</b>" what is he a whiny little baby about? How old is he?"</blockquote>



He is just bitchy and whines about not enough sex, whines about little petty things and he just reminds me of a woman in that way.
I also am still really hurt by the way he used to treat me.
He is 25

<blockquote><b>Quoting Blythe.:</b>" Well if you have never found him attractive I don't know how you lasted this long. I know you don't want ... [snip!] ... long. I know you don't want to hear it but it does sound like you have never loved him and you just kinda settled for comfort. "</blockquote>


I agree, but there was a time when he gave me butterflies and treated me like a princess. I've always loved him. I just never felt SOOO in love like i did with the first guy.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Crazyhazel89:</b>" I'll admit..i feel like you just typed my story..though I never think about cheating on my SO..I think ... [snip!] ... out so bad and I think of other guys i've dated as well...as well as dream about them. I am thinking about going to counseling."</blockquote>



It's weird because I don't want to be a cheater, but I'm like "craving" to cheat because in my dreams I'm so happy and I feel so loved by the other guys
and in my dreams the sex is AMAIZING and I know in real life those 2 guys that were my childhood friends are really great guys. I regret not giving them a real chance a long time ago. The thing that is so sexy about them to me is that they are really sweet guys and I've known them for my whole life.. Idk I wish I never started having those dreams because then I wouldn't be so confused

Quoting BG Secrets:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Crazyhazel89:</b>" I'll admit..i feel like you just typed my ... [snip!] ... and I've known them for my whole life.. Idk I wish I never started having those dreams because then I wouldn't be so confused"

SO's ex wife felt the same way. Keep in mind this: The grass is not always greener on the other side. She learned that the hard way when he finally got sick of the cheating and helped her move into her new boyfriend's house, and ended it for good with her.

I would have never ttc with someone I was not in love with.... But as for the sexual dreams about other men, I would have to say that's normal. Lol I sometimes have dreams about other men and wake up turned on but would never actually cheat and have no desire to do so

<blockquote><b>Quoting ღFrodoliciousღ:</b>" SO's ex wife felt the same way. Keep in mind this: The grass is not always greener on the other side. ... [snip!] ... when he finally got sick of the cheating and helped her move into her new boyfriend's house, and ended it for good with her. "</blockquote>



I think about that too. That's a big reason why I haven't left SO even after our past problems. I feel like I will NEVER be as happy and in love like I was with my first love. I feel like what if it's like this with every other guy? I don't want to try it out with someone else and it end up not working out. Then I just wasted 6 years and I broke up my daughters home for no reason because it would be the same thing with another guy. I feel stuck and sad. I want to stay with SO for comfort but i feel like cheating to get what I've been missing from SO. But I could never actually go through with cheating because I would be so disgusted with myself and I know I would regret it. It's just so tempting and I'm craving it.