re: So I told her...

<blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" For everyone else reading. There's so much to this story rather than her having a giving heart. It's ... [snip!] ... I also wasn't the one who initially got upset about the Easter gifts. My husband is the one who said it first, and I agreed. "</blockquote>




We agreed no gifts for christmas, then we ended up not see sil and family during the holiday, but we sent gifts for their kids anyways. We knew that her husband has been unemployed since August, and we had birthday gifts for them since April that she never texted me back about giving to them, probably because she hates me for "not being around".... we're f'in busy!!.... so her kids got the gifts for x-mas. No thank you or anything.... and not even a card at our son's birthday party less than a month later. She is trashy generally, but I let it go and realize that we don't live on the same plane.

<blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" Your very right. I think DH said that I will have to get through Easter. And then after that he doesn't want me to talk to her at all. And to cut them out as much as we can."</blockquote>




My own brother and I go through cycles. He is slightly nuts. My niece got her period early and because of that, he supposedly called my mom accusing my husband of molesting her. But now I'm seeing my mom likes to hurt people and cause trouble so I don't know if it is even true.

<blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" There's just so much more to the situation. so much more. That's all I can. I finally just broke down. ... [snip!] ... at her house unless she says? If she hates my child so much, why does she buy him gifts in the first place? I'm just lost. "</blockquote>



While I think much of this has trivial, I would not be ok with how she treats your son. I would be very angry also and more than likely just cut off all contact. That is not ok he is your baby boy and her attitude about him is 1000% wrong.

Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:" She's not my SISTER, my sister has far more respect for me than that. She's my SIL which means I have ... [snip!] ... I asked her to do my flowers and she refused until she said my flowers were horrible. I didn't ask her to do them twice."

Is it possible that she doesn't want you to bring your son over because of his aggression problem that you mentioned? Has he ever lashed out? She may be worried about her children. I agree that not letting her children see your son based on just his autism is totally not ok, but if he can be aggressive maybe that's the reason? Has anything ever happened to make her feel like having the kids together could create an unsafe situation for both your children and her children?

Quoting Mrs. Sherwood:" Is it possible that she doesn't want you to bring your son over because of his aggression problem that ... [snip!] ... to make her feel like having the kids together could create an unsafe situation for both your children and her children?"

He has hit her son on occasion. However, she's told me time and time again that she understands that he can't control it. He has been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, a Behavioral Disorder, he has speech problems, a learning delay and possibly anxiety and OCD, she said that she understands.

But instead of talking to me about it. She just alienates him. That's where I get confused.

And her brother is autistic, and accidentally created a situation that caused her son to have his head glued back together(he needed stitches but they just went to a naturopath instead), so how is that ok? Because it's her brother?

Quoting ILOVEWINE:" <blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" There's just so much more to the ... [snip!] ... and more than likely just cut off all contact. That is not ok he is your baby boy and her attitude about him is 1000% wrong."

And I can understand why, but I mean why not talk to me about rather than going behind my back?

Quoting I'm His Amy He's My Rory:" <blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" Your very right. I think DH said ... [snip!] ... husband of molesting her. But now I'm seeing my mom likes to hurt people and cause trouble so I don't know if it is even true."

DH and I sat down and talked about it. We've decided to not talk to them, not to initiate contact with them, and not even try.

MILs will be mutual ground, if MIL says we have to go for her, we will go for her, we will not go for them. Obviously they don't care for us or our feelings and until things change we both don't want to be hurt by them anymore.

I would rather my kids not play with some of my relatives...I love those kids but when they play together its just one big stressful migraine and someone always gets hurt.
You said your son is aggressive and maybe she's just not comfortable with her children playing with him- it doesn't mean she hates him. Oh, and btw its YOUR child - no one HAS to like him, that's your job.

Quoting BareFootBabyMaker:" I would rather my kids not play with some of my relatives...I love those kids but when they play together ... [snip!] ... children playing with him- it doesn't mean she hates him. Oh, and btw its YOUR child - no one HAS to like him, that's your job."

It's more why doesn't she talk to me about it.

Both boys love each other, both boys enjoy playing with each other.

In yet she keeps them apart.

Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:" It's more why doesn't she talk to me about it. Both boys love each other, both boys enjoy playing with each other. In yet she keeps them apart."

My daughter loves playing with her cousin. But we keep her away from him because he has not been able to control himself enough to not hurt her. She doesn't get it so of course she loves him and looks past it. But as a mother I am not going to put her in harms way just to spare feelings No way no how! Plus you bitch about her doing stuff for your family I highly doubt that the conversation of your son being SN and a danger to your son would go over well.

Quoting kitermom:" My daughter loves playing with her cousin. But we keep her away from him because he has not been able ... [snip!] ... stuff for your family I highly doubt that the conversation of your son being SN and a danger to your son would go over well. "

I have to agree. Even though it may not feel right to you, OP, it sounds like she's protecting her child. She allows her brother, who is also SN, to be around her kids (you say he caused an accident, but accidents do happen with kids), but you say your son has hit her son on occasion. Aggression is very different than an accident. It honestly doesn't sound like she hates him, it sounds like she's trying to protect everyone involved. You dislike her because she gave him gifts, but you also dislike her because she doesn't want to do a play date.
Honestly OP, I'm still having a hard time seeing her as a crazy bitch, and I really have no reason to agree or disagree with you. Obviously I don't personally know you or her so I'm a neutral perspective. Your husband is obviously going to take your side - so would my husband. If it's really bothering you that badly, I think it's fine that you're not communicating with her. I mean, I don't necessarily think she's done anything to deserve it, but it's not worth it if you're going to dislike her anyways.

Quoting kitermom:" My daughter loves playing with her cousin. But we keep her away from him because he has not been able ... [snip!] ... stuff for your family I highly doubt that the conversation of your son being SN and a danger to your son would go over well. "

It's not that and obviously you didn't read everything.

I don't bitch about everything she does. She's not as gracious or generous as people on here are perceiving her to be.

But why does she put on a false face? Why does she pretend to be nice to him. Tell me to my face that it's ok. That she's ok with it because she understands he's SN. And then turn around and tell my MIL to keep them apart?

Why not talk to ME about it?

That makes no sense. And then she's so nice to him. He's even asked me if she could give him art lessons, and because she doesn't like him, I had to tell him no, that she was "To busy" to do that. I couldn't even tell him the real reason why she would refuse.

Quoting Mrs. Sherwood:" I have to agree. Even though it may not feel right to you, OP, it sounds like she's protecting her child. ... [snip!] ... I don't necessarily think she's done anything to deserve it, but it's not worth it if you're going to dislike her anyways."

She's done plenty to deserve it. I've stated several times here, I've given her several occasions to prove she's a different person, and yeah she may put a nice false facade to make herself look better to others, and that's ok. and I understand that she doesn't want her child to get hurt, obviously I'm in the same boat. I don't defend him when he hurts people, even though he doesn't understand, he's medicated and in therapy for his problem, he's really trying.

But lying to my face about it and going behind my back to my MIL, is NOT ok. And then pretending to be nice to him? At least when the mom at school got pissed she matter of factly told the teacher who told me. That's open and honest communication right there.

That's harsh that she's so nice to him, then totally disrepects him behind his back. I may say mean hurtful things about her, but she's done really rude things to me.

My side of the family doesn't tolerate him hurting their kids either, but you know? They're far more accepting that he has SN, and they help me with him rather than alienating him.

Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:" It's not that and obviously you didn't read everything. I don't bitch about everything she does. She's ... [snip!] ... him, I had to tell him no, that she was "To busy" to do that. I couldn't even tell him the real reason why she would refuse."

She's probably nice to him because she understands his disorder and likes him. But she also understands that an aggressive child could put not only her child in danger, but your child as well. She more than likely doesn't want to offend you, which is why she hasn't spoken to you about it. If she's nice to him, it doesn't sound like she dislikes him. It sounds like she's concerned, which I understand. Try to see it from an outside perspective, would you want to put your child in potential danger with a child who couldn't control their aggression? And would you feel comfortable telling the mother "I don't want your child around my child"? It sounds like she's trying to avoid confrontation with you.

Quoting Mrs. Sherwood:" She's probably nice to him because she understands his disorder and likes him. But she also understands ... [snip!] ... telling the mother "I don't want your child around my child"? It sounds like she's trying to avoid confrontation with you."

So putting on a false facade is better than telling the truth?

I'm not that kind of person.

And I've had several moms come up to me and say, "I can't let him play with my kids."

That to me is far better than a fake person. You can tell she's doing it because she has to, not because she wants to. When she's around him it's like she can't get away from him fast enough. It's so FAKE, and I hate it.

And well at least I know why now. I always had suspicions, and like his counselor said, it's normal for family members of kids with SN to have their family members alienate the SN child.

It just upsets me more that she's fake to me and to him about the situation. To me that does more harm than good.

He's going to build up his cousin, and then when he gets older he's going to be devastated.