re: So I told her...

<blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" That's DH's family. They were really pissed that he married me, a prior divorcee with a child. So we ... [snip!] ... suck it up for them. And for my MIL. At least we can all sit in a corner, take some anxiety meds, and watch the kids play. "</blockquote>




And I'd be bringing a big ol bottle of wine.

Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:" I already know what's wrong with me. finding out what's wrong with her, helps me find a better healthier way to manage her."

Honestly, and I'm saying this truthfully, I don't think you do know what's wrong with you. Either that, or it's not being managed very well.
You're angry that she doesn't want to make play dates because your son is aggressive, but you're also angry that she invited you to the party. You're angry she's nice to your son, but you're angry because you think she doesn't like him. You're angry that she did your flowers, but you asked her to. You really need a new therapist. Or just stay in denial about it. Whichever.

Quoting Mrs. Sherwood:" Honestly, and I'm saying this truthfully, I don't think you do know what's wrong with you. Either that, ... [snip!] ... that she did your flowers, but you asked her to. You really need a new therapist. Or just stay in denial about it. Whichever."

I never said I was angry.

Being angry and upset is something completely different.

I also stated that I understood both angles of her not wanting a play date.(which I haven't asked for since August so obviously this is old news), I'm also upset that she won't give him a chance to prove himself since he's made so much progress. I do get angry when she pulls my MIL in and attempts to punish my MIL because of my child. Both DH and I agree that grandma's should be neutral territory.

I was never angry about the flowers. I was upset because she used the flowers to turn my wedding into a circus event about her. I think that would naturally upset any bride, but I loved the flowers, in fact the bouquets and bouts still hang on my wall. I love them a lot, I just hated how she approached it and made us naturally upset when she turned our event, our party into something about her.

I'm also not upset that she INVITED us to her party, because she never did. I'm upset that she planned a party and EXPECTED that everyone would come without consulting the entire family and just EXPECTED that we all wanted to come to her house.

Being angry is like actually being really really really really mad. I'm not really mad. I'm upset, upset enough that it was the straw the broke the camel's back. That so much of the emotional drama that she causes this family caused me to break down.

Yeah I'll admit that's what happened. And she makes me very upset that she thinks this is ok to just do this with everyone.

But matter of fact she didn't invite ANYONE to Easter. Apparently my BIL walked up to my MIL and said, "We're having Easter at our house on March 31st" implying that she was coming.

And that's what my SIL said to me. They don't ask, they EXPECT you to be there. That's different than inviting you.

I think that if these things were happening you, you might have a little discontent over it too.

Oh and I'm diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder, and a mild case of OCD. I see my doctor regularly about it, I am medicated. I know what my problems are.

Thanks for your recommendations though..

Quoting ILOVEWINE:" <blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" That's DH's family. They were really ... [snip!] ... take some anxiety meds, and watch the kids play. "</blockquote> And I'd be bringing a big ol bottle of wine."

If my MIL would allow it.

I'll probably have to hide it in the car. Since they live on 2 acres going to sit in the car and having a nice drink probably wouldn't be out of the norm of things! LOL

Now I have so many ideas to make this party manageable.

Hrm. If I were you I would just find a way to let the things your sister in law does just not bother you.

I'd let her act like she's the almighty queen. I have an Aunt that's the same way. She acts like she's perfect, her life and family are perfect and is constantly bragging about everything in a way that just makes you want to puke. She'll take pictures of all her new crap like her fridge and say "It's probably worth more than your car." Congrats on you special fridge idiot. The only difference is my Aunt is selfish with her money. She gave my daughter three rubber duckies that she ripped off of something for a gift. I could tell she did since they still had glue on the bottoms. I just don't care. I got tired of letting her effect me. Now I just see her as a joke.

You need to do the same with her sister in law. She sounds to me like she knows that you are weaker and she's does smurf in a sly way to make you feel bad even though you shouldn't. You can't let people like bother you in that way.

Start giving her kids gifts that she will throw or give away. Who cares? You put the thought into getting the gifts and her children will see that. That's who really matters. Or just give them something small like coloring books or puzzles and add a small gift card with it. Hopefully she won't throw away money.

Don't ask for anything from her. Don't depend on her. Even if it's something you really need , smurf it. Find a BETTER way where you don't have to deal with her drama or have her feel like you owe her something for it.

If she doesn't like you son , don't bring up play dates. If she does , just go along with it but keep your options open with another plan so that if you won't go you have something else fun to do! Like maybe take the kids to a park or go to the zoo.

There is so many ways to overcome people like that. Don't let them manipulate you into feeling bad for doing NOTHING wrong. I'm sure most people see through that crap anyway.

Even with my Aunt , her own mother confessed once she didn't know why her daughter was so full of hate. She didn't raise her that way and would never understand....

Good luck  

<blockquote><b>Quoting SaucyPoppet:</b>" It's like a train wreck though, hard to look away. It doesn't matter what you THINK she MIGHT have. ... [snip!] ... what is wrong with YOU. It's not healthy dwelling on this smurf so badly. My sister has bipolar disorder. Woopty smurfing doo."</blockquote>



I agree with part of this. I deal with this with my mother daily. She has narcissistic personality disorder and she can be HORRIBLE. She also has severe bipolar on top of it. She treats me terrible I mean like forcing me into abusive situations as a teen, throwing me out with no notice leaving me homeless. Lots of stuff. But I don't sit and dwell daily or weekly the crap she does. You need to figure out the solution on your end instead of sitting there day in and day out crying about the past. It is never going to change because it is the past. Your future is on you though and you are the one allowing her to ruin it.

Quoting I'm His Amy He's My Rory:" <blockquote><b>Quoting SaucyPoppet:</b>" It's like a train wreck though, hard to look ... [snip!] ... It is never going to change because it is the past. Your future is on you though and you are the one allowing her to ruin it."

I just had one of those days where I broke.

In regards to the whole situation, I'm feeling better about it. Talking to my MIL about Easter helped a lot too.

Like I mentioned before, we can all sit in a corner together and watch the kids play, while she runs around frantically preparing the meals and trying to make herself seem perfect and better than everyone else, and we'll just get to relax.

And maybe I'll get lucky and my MIL will get me out of it.

Every once in a while, drama with my SIL just dredges up and I break down. I guess I've just had a couple of those days lately.

But I'm trying to just forget the whole thing, and ignore her, and let her have her fun.

In hindsight, at least I don't have to prepare the meal. This will give me more ample opportunity to keep an eye on my SN child and make sure he doesn't get overstimulated.

Quoting Mommie Dearest.:" Hrm. If I were you I would just find a way to let the things your sister in law does just not bother ... [snip!] ... didn't know why her daughter was so full of hate. She didn't raise her that way and would never understand.... Good luck   "

I truly have done so well.

Since the paint/interior decorating incident, I've really just been ignoring her. When I realized the play date thing last summer, even though she brought it up, I haven't since.

I've been doing a lot. I decided to no longer ask her if she wanted knit items for her kids. I no longer ask for play dates. In fact I do my best to not even run into her at my MILs. Even when she asks me to do things, I'll sometimes agree and she never follows through, it's just one less thing off my plate.

I have officially been working hard on just ignoring her and letting her do her own thing without us. And avoiding her like the plague.

but like DH said, I just have to stop initiating conversations too, which I do have a hard time. I have to stop ever asking her for things.

It's all a work in progress. And I've officially been on the "task" since August of 2012. So I'm getting there.