re: So I told her...

Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:" She's done plenty to deserve it. I've stated several times here, I've given her several occasions to ... [snip!] ... kids either, but you know? They're far more accepting that he has SN, and they help me with him rather than alienating him."

I, along with the other women in this thread, are trying to help you see it from an outside perspective. It's hard to see things clearly when you're involved. It seems like you want someone to validate your opinion, which is fine, but the women here are trying to help you. No one here is attacking you, but I've read the entire thread and been involved in a lot of the discussion and I still don't see her as a bad person. I'm sorry OP, she just doesn't seem that bad. I think it would be best for everyone if you would try to let go of some of your resentment towards her.

Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:" So putting on a false facade is better than telling the truth? I'm not that kind of person. And ... [snip!] ... me that does more harm than good. He's going to build up his cousin, and then when he gets older he's going to be devastated."

Would you rather her be mean to you child? She's being nice to him (as you said yourself), buying him gifts, inviting you to family parties...but you still think she's fake. And then she told your MIL the reason that she doesn't want your child around her child - I don't see that as not communicating. She probably thought she was doing the right thing by avoiding confrontation with someone who already clearly doesn't like her.
Maybe you're right, maybe we can't understand the whole situation. But I think you need to consider that it's possible that she isn't all that bad. Many women in here have said the same thing, that she really hasn't been that unreasonable.

Quoting Mrs. Sherwood:" I, along with the other women in this thread, are trying to help you see it from an outside perspective. ... [snip!] ... doesn't seem that bad. I think it would be best for everyone if you would try to let go of some of your resentment towards her."

I'm realizing more and more, that you guys aren't in this situation.

You all call me crazy and say that I need to be nice to her, let things go because she's such a "nice, caring and generous" person.

but in yet, I can sit down, have a conversation with my husband, my MIL, and some of her sisters(so Dh's aunts), and in yet we all come up with the same conclusion. This is how my SIL is, they've all known it, they've all been in this situation now for 10 plus years, and we all go along with whatever she says because it's how she and her family are.

It's something I know they want to me get used to, everyone knows they've have a lot of years practice dealing with her and her family, but I however are far more hard headed. I don't like being walked over, I don't like being told when to jump when I don't need to, so yeah, I'm not one to just "go with the flow" because everyone agrees that this is how she is, she's never going to change and I just need to suck it up for the family's sake.

She's even said it about herself, "I do change my mind often, I know I have a time management issue, and I have a hard time saying no. I just want to do everything everyone wants me to do, and a lot of times I fill up my schedule and don't realize it." She won't apologize for any of it, she doesn't care and she doesn't want to. I've given her several times to change, to start being more reasonable and she won't change anything.

I more feel sorry for her, I feel sorry for my MIL who has to jump when she says jump or she's not allowed to see her grandkids. I feel sorry for myself, because everytime I try to stand up to her for what she does to me, she'll hold her kids hostage away from my MIL, hurting my MIL. And then I'm the bad guy and I have to make ammends.

But I have such a hard time living life like this. It's not how I was raised, it's not how I envisioned my life. Like ever. That I would be at the mercy of a family member that doesn't even live in my house.

No I don't really want her being rude to my child, but I don't want her installing false hope in him. He's also "slower" than other kids. To him he thinks kids like him, and he doesn't understand a lot of the time why parents force the kids away. And when he finds out on his own accord, he cries for days.

Then I also feel like smurf. He's not biological to this family at all. And I feel like half of this is my fault. I put him in a situation, I spent 2 years trying to build a friendship between my SIL and our kids so he could have at least a friend, and she's ruined that for him. And in turn probably doesn't like him at all. So there's guilt there too. I feel bad for doing this to him because all I've ever wanted is him to succeed and feel welcome.

In my family he's welcomed, in my husband's family he's not. And that's hard for me too.

I guess you guys don't understand what it's like to live life according to her ever whim and need.

Like when she drops a pattern in front of me or my mil and says, "Make this for my child, with these colors." Then you tell her it's to hard and she says, "You can do it I know it,"(and she'll expect it in like a week, when it's easily a 3 months project) and then you pick out the colors, and she tells you, "Oh those are all wrong." So she draws you a diagram, then just goes to the store to purchase the SAME colors you did.

Or like when you tell your kids they get to go spend the night at Nana's, but wait like 10 minutes before you leave you get the phone call that HER kids are coming over so your kids can't(because the boys aren't supposed to be together). and then she changes her mind 5 minutes later and decided they have to stay home. There are times my MIL will be halfway to her house when she calls and changes her mind.

All these indecisive decision just put our families through the ringers. It's what I meant by living our life according to her.

You have no idea what it's like to get a phone call from the MIL saying we HAVE to do something because my SIL said she's going to do it and we're all expected to go along. For the "family's sake" I'm so over that reason. There's just so much! It's hard to list it all in one sitting.

Just grow a fing backbone already. You are a grown ass woman - you don't HAVE to do anything you don't want to. Parents naturally don't like to put their children in harms way and thats something you just need to adjust to...most won't tell you about it either, they will just remove their selves from the situation.

If you were my SIL I would be more than happy for you to keep your whiny "woe is me" ass at home during family get togethers.

None of us are in your situation but most of us have the problem solving skills that you lack.
Also, its pretty easy to remove someone from your life...just end all contact and stop thinking about them. You make it sound like you are a follower in her cult. That you are forced to do anything she wants...which in real life is total BS.

Quoting BareFootBabyMaker:" Just grow a fing backbone already. You are a grown ass woman - you don't HAVE to do anything you don't ... [snip!] ... it sound like you are a follower in her cult. That you are forced to do anything she wants...which in real life is total BS."

I have plenty of backbone.

but if it comes down to her punishing my MIL because of something I said? That's a little different.

Just be glad you aren't her SIL, or maybe you would. Perhaps you do this to your family and they just don't tell you either?

Either way, she puts our entire family through hell, not just me. And it's exhausting, it's emotional, and yeah, I'm not going to have her punish my MIL because she's childish like that. So I've already apologized to not have anything come back on my MIL.

I hate it when she does that.

Me grow a back bone? I'm sorry that I have feelings about how my MIL feels.

I grew up in a very tough family. I have more back bone then most people. Although her manipulation for me goes far deeper and she'll extend it to other people. And yeah I'm not going to let my MIL be punished for something I said because I'm the only one in this family that has a smurfing backbone to stand up to her.

I've already cut her out 75%, it's just remainder, so we're only down to family gatherings and that's it.

So officially, I'm breaking down.

The emotional stress of years of what she's been doing to this family is just causing me to break. The fact that other people don't see it either, just makes the old wounds that she and her family have caused open again.

I know changed is possible for everyone. My MIL was like this when we got married, it took her a good year, and now we're on similar terms and friendly, even to the point I think we like each other.

I continue to hold out hope that my SIL and I get there. But until she changes her ways, I don't think it will happen. And with confirmation from just about everyone in this family that only a little has changed since she started having kids, the hope is slim to none.

I know that I'm at my breaking point with her. It's at a point that the drama she causes, even if she thinks it's "being nice", where I'm breaking. I just can't take it anymore.

For those on here who side with her, I guess you guys must have the same personalities, and that's fine too, it's just not one I mesh well with.

Have a nice day to everyone. And trust me when I say, just be glad you don't have to live with this whole situation. Because one little mistake can cause a trickle effect that within just 24 hours can hurt the whole family.

Here's to hoping that someday she'll change her ways and we can be civil again!

You sound crazy.  

GET HELP!

Quoting Mama♥Breezy:" You sound crazy.   GET HELP!"

I think the best part about that statement is that I described her to my son's counselor.

He matter of fact said, "I think there's something far deeper wrong with her."

I shouldn't have to seek help because she drives me crazy.

The other thing I don't understand.

If all of DH's aunts and his mom all feel this way towards her. And I'm the only one who opposes her behavior.

Does that make at least 5 of us in DH's family crazy? Or just me because I stand up to her?

<blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" I think the best part about that statement is that I described her to my son's counselor. He matter ... [snip!] ... fact said, "I think there's something far deeper wrong with her." I shouldn't have to seek help because she drives me crazy."</blockquote>




You should if you're letting something so stupid cause you to break down. You're a grown ass woman, you should not let what she says or does control your life. I couldn't imagine my SIL ever controlling me, and she's an actual problem to my dh's family. They have custody of her kids & she's a "recovering" addict. She's contantly in and out of our lives, and it causes a lot of drama for the family. If I can deal with her and not be a bitch about it, then you can deal with your SIL.

Quoting Mama♥Breezy:" <blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" I think the best part about that ... [snip!] ... it causes a lot of drama for the family. If I can deal with her and not be a bitch about it, then you can deal with your SIL."

And it's something that I have successfully been working on since August. I have been able to ignore her and just cut her out.

But then she says something that DH's mom will force us to do with them at their house(which like I said we're not actually allowed over there unless they say so) out of respect for her and the family.

And it stirs up a lot of drama. Because I don't see why the entire family has to cater to her every whim and why when I try to stand up to her, I'm the scape goat. I'm the one ruining the family, and it matter of fact pisses me off.

I don't want to have anything to do with her. But I get guilt tripped out of respect for the family. And I smurfing hate it. I have to respect the family and be nice, where as she gets to disrespect us and walk all over us, and that's ok, because in her mind she's being "kind and generous."

Whatever.

If she's not going to change, and you know how she is, then why are you still letting her bother you?

<blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" And it's something that I have successfully been working on since August. I have been able to ignore ... [snip!] ... she gets to disrespect us and walk all over us, and that's ok, because in her mind she's being "kind and generous." Whatever."</blockquote>


It's the same here, just don't let it bother you so much. Cause in the end you're the only miserable one.

Quoting Mama♥Breezy:" <blockquote><b>Quoting TheCoopersKnitWitch:</b>" And it's something that I have successfully ... [snip!] ... It's the same here, just don't let it bother you so much. Cause in the end you're the only miserable one."

And I've been doing such a good job. This whole Easter thing and the confirmation from my MIL. Kind of just sent me over the edge.