Quoting Mrs. Sherwood:" I, along with the other women in this thread, are trying to help you see it from an outside perspective. ... [snip!] ... doesn't seem that bad. I think it would be best for everyone if you would try to let go of some of your resentment towards her."
I'm realizing more and more, that you guys aren't in this situation.
You all call me crazy and say that I need to be nice to her, let things go because she's such a "nice, caring and generous" person.
but in yet, I can sit down, have a conversation with my husband, my MIL, and some of her sisters(so Dh's aunts), and in yet we all come up with the same conclusion. This is how my SIL is, they've all known it, they've all been in this situation now for 10 plus years, and we all go along with whatever she says because it's how she and her family are.
It's something I know they want to me get used to, everyone knows they've have a lot of years practice dealing with her and her family, but I however are far more hard headed. I don't like being walked over, I don't like being told when to jump when I don't need to, so yeah, I'm not one to just "go with the flow" because everyone agrees that this is how she is, she's never going to change and I just need to suck it up for the family's sake.
She's even said it about herself, "I do change my mind often, I know I have a time management issue, and I have a hard time saying no. I just want to do everything everyone wants me to do, and a lot of times I fill up my schedule and don't realize it." She won't apologize for any of it, she doesn't care and she doesn't want to. I've given her several times to change, to start being more reasonable and she won't change anything.
I more feel sorry for her, I feel sorry for my MIL who has to jump when she says jump or she's not allowed to see her grandkids. I feel sorry for myself, because everytime I try to stand up to her for what she does to me, she'll hold her kids hostage away from my MIL, hurting my MIL. And then I'm the bad guy and I have to make ammends.
But I have such a hard time living life like this. It's not how I was raised, it's not how I envisioned my life. Like ever. That I would be at the mercy of a family member that doesn't even live in my house.
No I don't really want her being rude to my child, but I don't want her installing false hope in him. He's also "slower" than other kids. To him he thinks kids like him, and he doesn't understand a lot of the time why parents force the kids away. And when he finds out on his own accord, he cries for days.
Then I also feel like smurf. He's not biological to this family at all. And I feel like half of this is my fault. I put him in a situation, I spent 2 years trying to build a friendship between my SIL and our kids so he could have at least a friend, and she's ruined that for him. And in turn probably doesn't like him at all. So there's guilt there too. I feel bad for doing this to him because all I've ever wanted is him to succeed and feel welcome.
In my family he's welcomed, in my husband's family he's not. And that's hard for me too.