My Misscarriage

My friend goes on this site and says she's gotten a lot of support so I figured i'd try it out. So here's my story.
My best friend Matt of five years was going through a hard time at the same time as I was. It was difficult for the both of us. One night we were hanging out, trying to keep each other company. He had a different girlfriend at the time, and I was into all of the bad things like drinking. We got a little messed up from partying and went back to his house to crash. I had to get up early the next morning to take my little sister to her basketball game. It started with a kiss and ended with a kiss.
I didn't intend on sleeping with him, he was my best friend. The thought of loosing him scared me more than anything. I woke up sore in the down stairs region, and he was a little sore too.
I ignored it, thinking there was no possible way that I had actually slept with my best friend. I didn't want to ruin our friendship, or his relationship.
We ignored it and moved on with our lives like nothing even happened. But about five weeks later I missed my period and was a little scared. But again I was in denial and chose to ignore all of the signs that were occurring. My older sister who I live with, and I had our periods at the same time. When I didn't get mine she noticed, and urged me to take a pregnancy test. I told her I had slept with Matt, she was really supportive.
Once I took the pregnancy test, I had plans to see Matt the next day at a concert in town for his cousin, and a couple of my friends.
I sat there for what seemed like hours before the two pink lines appeared and changed my life forever. I remember I had trouble breathing when I saw it. I cried all night, until my sister reminded me that stress could potentially hurt the baby so I forced myself to watch funny movies and be happy to a certain extent.
The next day I was with Matt, and when I told him he was beyond scared. So was I. He knew it. And he said he'd be around but ignored me most of the night. I took that as a hint and went outside at about 11 at night and decided to go home so I called my sister to come get me since she had the car.
Matt came outside, wrapped his arms around my waist and let me cry on his shoulder for at least a half an hour. He told me that he was there, and that we'd figure this all out together.
The first two weeks were great! He was there every step, texting me or calling me every morning to see how I was doing. I was sick all day long, throwing up all the time which made me think something was wrong with my baby but I discarded it. Matt was saying that I was just worrying too much.
His girlfriend had to find out at some point. Sadly, it wasn't by me or Matt telling her. She heard from somebody else, and oh boy did she freak out. She blurted it out to every single person who she spoke to. And all of a sudden everybody I normally would hang out with were all over my case about being pregnant.
Matt then text-ed me saying he denied the baby was his, and wanted nothing to do with me.
For the next few weeks I was sad, and then I didn't care. I got a new boyfriend named Anthony who knew about the baby and wanted to be there for us. He talked to the baby all the time, and helped me think of names. He was there through a lot, and was at my side constantly. He adored the baby, and me. It was nice to have a man around that wanted me, and my baby.
I named the baby Brodie Todd, for some reason I knew for sure that the baby was a boy. No doubt in my mind said other wise. It was a boy, I know it.
Anthony was going to be a great father. Once rumor got around Matt heard about Anthony wanting to take over at the father for the baby, and he did not like that one bit. He refused to let Anthony be the father, but he wasn't around. So I ignored him.
Then Anthony cheated on me, we broke up then got back together then broke up. We were on and off until I decided that I didn't want a man who was there on and off for my son. I needed a permanent father for him. Not just a dad who was there sometimes and not others.
My baby was to be born July 27th, 2012 on Matt's birthday.
I miscarried around 12-14 weeks. I got into a huge fight with my ex and it got physical. I still have no idea how my baby died, but he was gone. I got horribly sick, and started bleeding, having deathly bad pain. It got confirmed that I miscarried.
Matt's cousin Dylan and I were very close and he asked about the baby all the time. He wanted to be involved in his family's life, and that included Brodie. So once I told Dylan about what had happened he told Matt. Matt refused to talk to me still, but after a week of me sitting in my room crying. My sister forced me back to the real world. Where I ran into Matt.
After hanging out with a friend Matt text-ed me and asked to talk. He broke up with his girlfriend, and confessed to me how badly he felt for leaving us. That he wanted to be involved. But I had to give him the news that I lost the baby. He wasn't as upset as I thought he would be. But I took him back as my best friend. I know that sounds crazy, it even sounds crazy to me. But I took him back for all the things he did right, and not block him out for the one thing he did wrong.
We were best friends again, and the sixth year came around. On Brodie's birthday, the day he was supposed to be born, also Matt's birthday. We hung out, didn't sleep together. Just hung out, watched movies, and relaxed with each other. Things were back to normal.
I started having panic attacks all the time, and having non stop nightmares. I have insomnia, and a depression disorder now.
I've been suicidal since my son's death, and have physically hurt myself on many occasions. I've tried my best to stop and I've gotten a lot better about it now.
Matt and I haven't spoke to each other since we got into an argument over the baby on December 20th. We talk a few words here and there but we don't really talk at all. We're not best friends anymore. Things are awkward.
With everything that happened, people still ask me if I would go back and change it. But the answer is no, No I would not go back and make my son never have happened. I've gotten a lot of bad things come out of this, but I loved him more than anybody in my whole life. He was my whole world. I don't regret that.

So sorry for your loss, hun. I suffered a miscarriage as well. It will get easier, I promise. Hang in there.

I'm so sorry for your loss hun. I lost my son at 21 weeks on August 21, 2012. If you need to talk i am all ears <3

I'm so sorry for your loss. It gets easier, I promise, but your angel baby will never leave your thoughts. <3

I'm sorry for you loss. it's been a little over 2 in a half years since my miscarriage. If you ever need a friend you can always talk to me <3

Quoting S+K=R [34 WEEKS!]:" I'm so sorry for your loss. It gets easier, I promise, but your angel baby will never leave your thoughts. <3 "

This.