Baby died 11 years ago, I'm just now telling him he was a da

I really don't want to get into the hows and whys about my first angel baby's father right now. But let me tell you about Lillianne; she was born sleeping January 28th, 2002 at 14 to 18 weeks gestation. The doctors weren't sure how far along I was, and neither was I (long long long long story, as I said don't want to get into it). Lily's father never knew I was pregnant. Very long complicated story short, I began speaking with Lily's father again in January. I hadn't spoken with him since December 2001. He didn't know I was pregnant. He had made a joke about my son not being 11 years old (implying that he was too young to be his) and I started breaking down crying. I told him about Lily. His reaction was extroidenarily unexpected. He started crying too. He asked me "We had a little girl together?" and "How long did she live?" That he said he's having a hard time because he always wanted children of his own and that he's having a hard time being a grieving parent 10 years removed. He's saying things like "I imagine her up in heaven in my mother's arms, that makes me happy". I don't believe in heaven. I don't know what to say or do. I feel so akward about this. She's been "my" Lily for 11 years. Now all of a sudden she's "our" Lily? My husband didn't have this reaction to our miscarriages, he was so removed. I don't know how to deal with this.

I would probably feel confused and awkward.

At the same time, you've had more time to digest it and take it in... he was kind of thrown this information.

I'd let him have his time to process it.

Let him grieve. Imagine if you were him and just finding out you had a child that died. As far the the heaven comments, let him believe what it wants, try not to comment on it.

as far as him grieving and saying she's in Heaven, I say let him have it. it in no way changes your beliefs. as for it being "your" Lily.. do you think he would have reacted differently if he had known years ago? I can see how you might feel like you're being robbed... you have carried this grief for years alone. but he knows now. maybe it's a good thing he is affected so much.

Quoting Fatty McRunnerPants:" I really don't want to get into the hows and whys about my first angel baby's father right now. But let ... [snip!] ... "our" Lily? My husband didn't have this reaction to our miscarriages, he was so removed. I don't know how to deal with this."

Well really she was "our" Lily the whole time, you just didn't acknowledge that she was shared because up until recently, the dad had no idea. (not judging AT ALL btw...I don't know your circumstances).

You already know that all of this is coming from the fact that he doesn't have any children of his own.

IDK what I would do, I would just try to comfort him in the best way possible which would be just letting him talk. Be patient and understanding of how he is feeling.

Quoting Ur Local Frnt Desk Clrk:" I would probably feel confused and awkward. At the same time, you've had more time to digest it and take it in... he was kind of thrown this information. I'd let him have his time to process it."

Yeah, I guess I just didn't expect this reaction. I expected indifference. I don't want to begrudge him his grief it's just... odd.

I do think he would have reacted the same way had he have known 11 years ago.

I'd let him grieve. Offer him support if he ever needed to talk.

I much rather him show "interest" then the latter..

Quoting ℳary ℐane:" I'd let him grieve. Offer him support if he ever needed to talk. I much rather him show "interest" then the latter.."

This.
My ex didn't care when we lost our daughter at 22 weeks. and he still doesn't. The knowledge
that I'm the only one in this world who loves her and grieves her loss is painful because
she deserved her father's love too.
OP I'm very sorry for your loss.

In the case of men not caring or showing emotion for a pregnancy ''loss''.....some men & women dont see stillbirths/mc as the loss of a child but as a loss of a ''pregnancy'' (not my personnal view but a very real view in this day and age).

I think in part, this is healthy and good for you hun.. you need someone you can talk about this, who's not afraid to show how much this meant to him..

Quoting Tasha & Nika:" I think in part, this is healthy and good for you hun.. you need someone you can talk about this, who's not afraid to show how much this meant to him.."

This is true. I've been with someone for so long who withholds emotions I forgot men actually felt deeply too. I'll tell you about Lily's dad when the emotions die down. It's been an odd few weeks being in contact with him after so many years of silence.

Quoting Fatty McRunnerPants:" This is true. I've been with someone for so long who withholds emotions I forgot men actually felt deeply ... [snip!] ... Lily's dad when the emotions die down. It's been an odd few weeks being in contact with him after so many years of silence."

Take your time hun, this is all very new for you, but yeah I stand by my original statement, this is.. very much what you could use right now.
I understand that it's also difficult for you, because although I'm sure you remember every day, you have have sufficient time to deal with your grief, and you are now at a 'calm' place.. whereas he's not, he's just began grieving. I know this might be hard, but perhaps you could be the support to him, that you never had through this?

I strongly, very strongly believe that what we give to the world, and people, one way or another will project itself back onto us <3

Quoting Tasha & Nika:" Take your time hun, this is all very new for you, but yeah I stand by my original statement, this is.. ... [snip!] ... very strongly believe that what we give to the world, and people, one way or another will project itself back onto us <3"

Thank you for always being there for me.

It kinda feels like I am finally getting the support too. I was made to feel so shameful during that period of time in my life. I'm actually really glad that he does feel anything about Lily. It's a relief almost.

Quoting Fatty McRunnerPants:" Thank you for always being there for me. It kinda feels like I am finally getting the support too. ... [snip!] ... during that period of time in my life. I'm actually really glad that he does feel anything about Lily. It's a relief almost."

Because it's validation that what you were feeling is normal, and it's a beautiful thing, in itself to have someone that loves your angel as much as you do, you know? It makes it all less lonely. I'm very glad you connected with him again

Quoting Tasha & Nika:" Because it's validation that what you were feeling is normal, and it's a beautiful thing, in itself ... [snip!] ... that loves your angel as much as you do, you know? It makes it all less lonely. I'm very glad you connected with him again"

Yeah, it is nice to know that the other parent feels the same way about the loss. I'm glad I am too in a way.