Hard to have a relationship with my grandma

I just get done cleaning, house is perfectly fine, clean floors clean counters dishes done no clutter it's fine, then she comes over and as always when she comes over she says "I'm gonna help you around here, it looks like you could use a lot of help" yet I just got done cleaning. She points out little things my husband and I would never care about, like some dirt in the corner of the broom closet or some crumbs under the toaster, stuff I do once a week to once a month, stuff No one else would see... She looks for stuff that you don't just see unless you search.. I nicely tell her no its fine lets just visit the house is fine and I just cleaned. She insists. I say no thank you. ( she gets serious and stressful when in "work mode" so I avoid it) and then she gets mad and acts like I'm being so mean! I'm not! Then she says "well I'll just leave if I'm not going to be appreciated" then I say why does it have to be either you clean my already clean house or you leave? Can't you visit? She says "i can't just sit around when there's so much to get done.. It's not fair that you do this to me!" ....? Soooo idk. It is a clean house, like seriously. Why should get obsessive problems intrude on my boundaries? If you don't go along with what she wants she's angry. I don't want to never see her, but its soo hard. Had to vent. She just left. On good terms, after I explained for the hundred thousandth time how were five with our house less than magazine perfect and so if we're five with it she should be too. She finally dropped it. Until next time..

I didn't read it all, but why don't you go to her place instead of her coming to yours? That way she doesn't see the "mess."

I would just let her clean.

Quoting melindapple:" I didn't read it all, but why don't you go to her place instead of her coming to yours? That way she doesn't see the "mess.""

That would be my suggestion too, meet at her house, the park, out to lunch or something.

maybe she feels unappreciated and wants to feel needed/wanted. Maybe just let her clean?

It doesn't work like that. She calls and says she's on her way over and if I say it's not a good time she complains about gas money. If she comes over when we aren't guest ready we hide (kinda have to and age can just go to my moms 5 min away) but she yelks through the window and peeps in all the windows. She's alway checking up on if "things are getting done around here" and if she's suspicious she gets with my mom and they get all weird together and have bitter conversations about me and blow up my phone. So it's either don't talk to them at all, or go along with what they want, or argue with them (because choosing to stay silent results in embarrassment in front if nabirs as they tell profanities in the lawn and act like something is seriously wrong) my granny still dies this to my dad too. And my mom. But my parents haven't been together in years. It's all sorts if mixed up.

This is why dh wants me to cut off from my family.

Honestly, she sound a little like my grandmother, although we are close.

She doesnt say anything about cleanliness, but she always wants to "help" with doctor appointments or watching LO while I shop, or go shopping for me.

I asked her why one day, and she said because it gives her a "purpose." It makes sense. When she is doing "nothing" all day and don't have anyone to hover above or clean after, she wants to do something else.

That may be the case with your grandmother, too. Some people just have the personality to want to be the helper of people.

I would let her "help you out." There is no harm from it.

If not, meet her out for lunch or something in neutral territory, or go over to her house.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Mandy Schlatterer:</b>" It doesn't work like that. She calls and says she's on her way over and if I say it's not a good time ... [snip!] ... But my parents haven't been together in years. It's all sorts if mixed up. This is why dh wants me to cut off from my family."</blockquote>




*she..
*yells
*does
Phone keyboard..

I agree with the other poster. She probably just wants to feel wanted/needed in her old age. Imagine it through her eyes...shes old, lives alone. Doesnt have many demands being by herself. She comes over to help the people she cares about.

<blockquote><b>Quoting JessieLeeAnne:</b>" Honestly, she sound a little like my grandmother, although we are close. She doesnt say anything about ... [snip!] ... out." There is no harm from it. If not, meet her out for lunch or something in neutral territory, or go over to her house. "</blockquote>




I do completely understand that, but she complains about it (ecen though sge begged to do it) and then you owe her because "I did (xyz) for you, and you can't (abc) for me? ( the requests are usually things that have nothing to do with her also)

"I did all that for you when I'm tired and have to pay all that gas money, you kids run me ragged"
"But I told you not to do it. You made me let you"
"We'll if I didn't, who would? It needed to be done!"
"No. It seriously didn't. Everyone would be happy and healthy and fine if (xyz) "didn't get done" "

Everyone who meets her gets sooo stressed.
She likes to control people.

But you can't be too stern because she honestly believes she's doing nothing wrong and will get her feelings hurt.

Quoting Mandy Schlatterer:" <blockquote><b>Quoting JessieLeeAnne:</b>" Honestly, she sound a little like my grandmother, ... [snip!] ... people. But you can't be too stern because she honestly believes she's doing nothing wrong and will get her feelings hurt."

Maybe instead of saying it really didn't need to be done, or just shrugging off what she did isn't important, just humor her and say, oh wow, thanks, that really helped out!!

Maybe she just wants to feel appreciated and needed.

Eh, it's hard for people who don't know her to understand. You can thank so much, but there's always something else. If you let her in a little then she's calling and checking on stuff and telling you what to do every day. That's just what she does. Wakes up and starts concerning about my life, my moms, and my dads. Never hers. She's got a negative bitter attitude and is very pushy demanding and unpleasant. She starts nice and pleasent. But it always gets traded for bitterness if you let her in too far. And she can never sit still. She's always "getting stuff done" and complaining about other people's lives. She crosses boundaries. If it could literally be let her help out once a week and have a nice chat, that's cool with me! But it's so much more, so much deeper, and she brings the vibe like there's a huge problem where there is no problem.

She talks with a down and depressed voice about things when I'm feeling chipper and don't want to be down. Complains about "hard times" when she does not know hard times! Our lives are so great and complete, there is much to be thankful for. Complains about gas. Says the word "money" more than most people say "the" and "and" combined!

Thats how elders work. "These kids these days..."

Grandmas always think they are right, especially as they get older.  

I would still pass it off as her being bored with her life. She may be depressed about her life right now, which makes things seem 10 times worse than they are to her. It would also explain her ear for drama.

My grandmother has five girls. She ALWAYS has to be the center of problems. It is just her thing. In the past, they used to come to her for help, advise, to vent. She lives for that stuff.

She is also probably on fixed income, which sucks.

Best thing you can do is not share anything personal with her. Treat it like BG minus the advise part. Don't share anything she will hold. Ask her things that you know she will have an input on... for example, "How do you make the kitchen sink shine?" or something small like that. That will make her feel like she is contributing to the household without going overboard with it.

<blockquote><b>Quoting JessieLeeAnne:</b>" Thats how elders work. "These kids these days..." Grandmas always think they are right, especially ... [snip!] ... something small like that. That will make her feel like she is contributing to the household without going overboard with it. "</blockquote>




That is a good idea. Lol but after the sink she'll be in a spree. I guess it can't hurt. If I set limits. I'm gonna let her help today..

Dh's grandma likes to tell others what to do and is a bit "in your business" but in a very nice non-invasive grandma way.. She doesn't come over randomly to check or push to help and you can have a nice dinner with her with no discussion of problems. She just gives verbal input, and never twice. I like that better.

But she's married and has lots if money, I guess curcumstances are different?
My grandma lives at a nice resort my dad bought her a unit there, nice pools, he bought her a nice van, and she can just relax all day

She doesn't have to be lonely, she can spend time with family much if the week while keeping her opinions quiet or at least quick and respectful, she doesn't have to he on the go go go...

She has one lung and smokes, too..
THAT is annoying.