Cheaters prosper at the expense of others.

Not sure I can do it anymore. Life's sucked since this past summer. Wife and I coexist. By all rights, she shouldn't even be living in my house. She cheated on me. I walked in on it. I took the kids and went back to our house.....her parents bought her a ticket to get home and she's been there ever since. We haven't slept in the same bed since before I walked in on her smurfing another dude. She's apologized a million times and thinks that I need to forgive her.

Before the holidays, my Navy co-workers found out about what happened. A lot of people pitied me.....several made me into a joke. I hate both things. Being pitied and being made into a joke. How they found out was me being served a warrant to appear in court due to beating on the guy who smurfed my wife. I was never arrested, but his lawyer filed the paperwork and I had to go to trial.

The trial went down right before the holidays. It was a smurffy two days. I had to hear every gritty detail from both him and her. She cried the whole time. I was numb. I don't have any tears left. In the end, the judge dropped any and all charges or claims made against me and my BIL and his friends. The smurf on the other hand now is facing ADMITTED sodomy and adultery charges. I think that they'll be dropped because it would mean that my wife would be charged as well. Turns out the judge is a former Marine and doesn't take kindly to someone having sex with a service member's wife. The damage is done though.

I can't look at my co-workers in the eye anymore. My subordinates look at me differently now. It sucks. It sucks. I love my kids to death, they've been the one and only positive thing in my life. It doesn't seem that that is enough anymore. I don't know how much longer I can live like this. After what I went through in court, I have no doubt that I could ever be with my wife sexually ever again. Having to watch someone smurf your wife is terrible. Having to relive it through their descriptions was horrendous. I'm just looking for a little bit of perspective and understanding. I hope that no one has gone through anything like, but if you have I'd appreciate your point of view. This has only gotten worse and rougher than I imagined. I'm just waiting for the hurt to stop at some point.

I'm so sorry.  

:-( sorry to hear this...

I'm sorry, what she did was wrong and you shouldn't have to forgive her if you don't want to, some marriages cant survive infidelity and some can. It sounds like you'll never be able to get through this so i would just go ahead with divorce papers. I know it's hard, Just take it one day at a time.

I didnt walk in on anything, so i cant relate there, but my fiance cheated on me while out of town and gave me herpes. I didnt find out til I was 8 months pregnant with our first son. It is a hard road and there is no right answer here.

Quoting Bob Wehadababyitsaboy:" I'm sorry, what she did was wrong and you shouldn't have to forgive her if you don't want to, some marriages ... [snip!] ... be able to get through this so i would just go ahead with divorce papers. I know it's hard, Just take it one day at a time."

I never thought that divorce would ever come into my realm of possibility. Even after she came back to our house, I thought that I could maybe get past this and one day forgive her. There's just too much. I'm not wired for divorce. I just can't fathom it. I don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I'm living in a vacuum right now. There's not enough air.

Quoting Amberchik78:" I didnt walk in on anything, so i cant relate there, but my fiance cheated on me while out of town and ... [snip!] ... herpes. I didnt find out til I was 8 months pregnant with our first son. It is a hard road and there is no right answer here."

She got herpes as well. We've never had sex again. Don't plan on it either. She's tried to seduce me since it happened. I couldn't get aroused around her if she gave me Viagra before hand.

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I'm so sorry. I think I would feel the way you do. I'm one of those who cannot get past cheating.

One of two things has to happen. Either you need to forgive her and seek counselling to get past this or you need to end this. It is not fair to you, her, or your kids to stay in an unhappy marriage. I know its hard but just hating her and not doing anything won't fix ir change anything. I'm sorry this happened. Gl

The biggest reason that I didn't kick her out on her ass is that I want to see and be with my kids. If I stay in the Navy and deploy again, I'll be away from them and she will have moved with them elsewhere. I can't stand being away from them. Going to sea is miserable. Going to sea when your heart is not in it at all is dangerous. I have a lot of time invested in the Navy, but stayed in mostly for her. It's hard to stay or leave when it comes to both her and the Navy. I have so much invested in both, but at the same time both things have brought me both misery and pain. I could sever ties with both and start anew, but I don't have very much going for me right now. I'm a mess.

I'm so sorry. What a horrible situation to be in. You can't keep going the way you are though. If you really don't want to divorce and think there is a chance you might be able to get past this you should try counselling. If not maybe you should just end the relationship. I don't know if I could get past that if I were in your situation but good luck with everything!

I think the fact you picked yourself up and continued should be commended.

As for the co workers - some of them will have similar situations. Be an example by showing that you can be resilient and life can go on and get better. They will look up to you for that

Because my husband was in the army, is ex wife thought it was a easier chance for her to cheat (she was cheating on him throughout the whole relationship, but he never had proof) he came home from his first deployment to find she was pregnant, he then found out she had the guy living with her, they pawned all my husbands smurf, drained his bank account and it was just crazy smurf. He then became an alcoholic and started to go downhill, he wanted nothing to do with her and the only way he could get her to sign the divorce papers was to threaten that he was going to sue the guy. I met him while he was on his 2nd tour and we've been together ever since it'll be 3 years in October since we've been married and 4 years since we've been together and what I've heard from his army buddies and family he has become a completely different man since I came into his life. So there is always hope, you just need to keep your head held high and don't beat yourself up. Best of wishes to you!!

Why on Earth does my "something is fishy" meter fly off the charts when I see a man posting on baby gaga? I ALWAYS can't help but question motives- especially when it's about how bad an ex wife or baby-mama is…and it seems like if a man is on here, it's always ex lady drama...

If you ARE on here asking for female perspective and not anything else… done.

You need to ask yourself- "What do I need her to do if I can ever forgive her?"
Because your forgiveness of her must be on your terms. It is fine and dandy that she says she is sorry and it's time to forgive her but YOU are the one that knows what that will take. Does that mean 100% transparency and celibacy for 2 years? (No codes on cellphones, going over every phone bill together to ensure everything is on the up and up, special tracer programs installed professionally on your computers to ensure she's not up to no good, being able to call her 10 times on a 15 minute grocery shopping trip to ensure she's being on the up-and-up, having mutual friends "check in" frequently while you're away with everyone knowing the expectations … etc). If that's the case- lay it out on the table for her. If she's willing to do it without question then let her try. If she messes up EVEN ONCE have clear guidelines about what the consequence is- (divorce?). If you think hard enough and realize NOTHING will make you forgive AND trust her- then GET OUT OF THE MARRIAGE. The longer you're married the more benefits/money of yours she is entitled to.