Just venting.....

Please don't judge me........ Im just venting....

I feel like a terrible mother....I have a 3 year old, that i can't take care of because of my mental health issues...he doesn't even live with me anymore, he lives with my mom. I don't even see him that much because we don't even live in the same state...It makes me feel terrible.

But in a way, its better for him. At least he doesn't have to see me have melt downs and anger episodes from my PTSD.. He doesn't deserve that. He deserves a stable environment. It's not healthy for a 3 year old to be around his mother who is yelling, screaming, and having anger episodes...It's not fair to him.

As bad as this sounds... I am keeping him away from me for his own good. I don't want him to be screwed up because i can't control my anger and i don't want him to see me lash out at everyone because of my anger and frustrations. He's a baby still. I want him to enjoy his life.

It's just torture not being able to take care of my own child, who i gave birth to.. I feel like i have given him up or have given up on him.. It makes me feel terrible. But like i said before, i don't want him to know me as the angry, yelling and screaming mother.

I want him to be happy. Even if that means i have to suffer from not seeing him all the time. He's very important to me, and so is his well-being and his mental health. I don't want him to have mental health issues and have to go through hell like i do. I'm trying to protect him. It's the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I sacrifice my time with him so i don't end up screwing him up.

I miss him all the time. And it makes me feel terrible and bitter on the inside. It makes me feel angry that i had to be abused multiple times in my life to the point where i have this PTSD and other mental health issues... to the point where i can't take care of MY OWN child.

When i see other mothers with their children i just want to die, because i know i will never be that kind of mother. I will never be what he needs. He deserves more than that. I will never be sane. I will always have some type of mental illness. And it makes me sad. And it makes it hard to go on.

Sometimes i feel like he would be much better off without me, and I even think of Suicide from time to time. Not being there for him, It's torture. Its hard to deal with. Its worse than any of the abusive i have ever been put through.

I miss my son, and im a terrible mother. I guess the only good thing to come out of this is that, I am finally working on getting my GED. And im close enough to almost getting it.............

sounds like you may benefit from counseling

You are not a terrible mother. You put his need before yours. Letting your mom take care up him while you try to heal yourself is the best choice and I'm glad you did it. Your son does still need you and he would be devastated if you killed yourself. I don't know much about PTSD but can you go to the doctors and explain how you feel and get some med or switch up the ones you are on now? I wish you the best of luck  

Hang in there! Just because you're not in good enough health to care for your LO right now doesn't mean you won't heal enough to be able to one day! Beating yourself up is counterproductive because A.) It will leave you more depressed and emotionally unstable than you were to begin with and B.) It is energy being spent that is not going towards the goal of you becoming a mentally healthier parent. It SUCKS that you aren't in a place that you can care for you baby but use this time WISELY and if you get good care, really use a lot of introspection and take good care of yourself you will be THAT MUCH CLOSER to being able to care for him. It is hard to realize that you're not the best person to take primary care of your child but it says a lot about your mothering instincts that you care enough to make sure he IS in the hands of someone who CAN care for him- even if it isn't you. Posts like these give me more courage and motivation to finish telling my own story-- I too have been diagnosed with a mental illness and wasn't the best choice to care for my child for 6-8 months. BUT I AM DOING SO WELL NOW! I wish you could see me then and now. I really believe that everything gets better.

Thanks ladies. I am sorry it took me a while to respond...I've just been depressed... I really miss my baby... it's bothering me a lot right now  .